[ACanthony]

I've been going out with 'Sara' for almost 4 months. We both really care about each other. She's a good girlfriend and I enjoy her company, friendship, etc. However, Sara has a LOT on her plate right now. We both acknowledge that she may even be better off NOT in a relationship. But we would definitely not want to break up with each other because we do see a bright future ahead of us and we understand we just have to be patient now. Since Sara has a lot on her plate (let's just say she has a difficult home environment and had emotional problems stemming from a past relationship) sometimes she's not able to always give me the time I need. I might have phrased that wrong. Okay, she's a very good girlfriend overall but there are sometimes when she isn't a good girlfriend. My problem/question is this: I need to learn how to not take things so personally and understand that her issues are exactly that: her issues. I'm such a happy person but when I think too much about certain things involving this relationship it does get me upset. When I am in one of these moods I do blame Sara for causing me to feel this way yet after I get over it I realize I made 99% of the problem up in my brain. Does anyone have any tips on just thinking less about these problems? Thank you

[dolfan99_34]

All I can say is stick by her. She needs you, so just hang in there. I know what you're going through as I am going through a lot right now myself with my girlfriend.

It drives you crazy and you have to let go of those inner demons and not listen to them because they will mess with your head.

[lastyearisblank]

Well there are some things that you can do that might help. These might be a little generic because it is hard to tell exactly what might help but some things that have worked for me....

1) Focus on keeping your own schedule and your own life apart from being in a relationship, keep seeing your friends or family, they can help with giving advice too....

2) Realize that you can lend a hand to help but you can not fix other people's problems for them. Sometimes people go through a hard time in their lives while happening to find someone they care about a lot, and that's not a reason to quit or give up, but you might have to prepare to be ok not being able to help (always).

3) Enjoy the good times you do get together, since that is the whole point, to be happy!

4) Forgive yourself for feeling bad. You said that you are "making 99% of it up," which sounds very negative and pessimistic. I hope you can be less hard on yourself about this.

Good luck!!!!!

Originally Posted by ACanthony

I've been going out with 'Sara' for almost 4 months. We both really care about each other. She's a good girlfriend and I enjoy her company, friendship, etc. However, Sara has a LOT on her plate right now. We both acknowledge that she may even be better off NOT in a relationship. But we would definitely not want to break up with each other because we do see a bright future ahead of us and we understand we just have to be patient now. Since Sara has a lot on her plate (let's just say she has a difficult home environment and had emotional problems stemming from a past relationship) sometimes she's not able to always give me the time I need. I might have phrased that wrong. Okay, she's a very good girlfriend overall but there are sometimes when she isn't a good girlfriend. My problem/question is this: I need to learn how to not take things so personally and understand that her issues are exactly that: her issues. I'm such a happy person but when I think too much about certain things involving this relationship it does get me upset. When I am in one of these moods I do blame Sara for causing me to feel this way yet after I get over it I realize I made 99% of the problem up in my brain. Does anyone have any tips on just thinking less about these problems? Thank you

[RomanSunburn]

I think you said it perfectly yourself. These are her issues, not yours. I think when you start to get upset, you should repeat a little mantra to yourself "She loves me. This is not a personal attack on our relationship. These our her issues she has to work through." Repeat that a few times, focusing on deep breathing and feeling centered and grounded. Once you feel a little better, I would try do something else to take your mind off your relationship. Lastyearisblank made a great point -- keep going on with your life. Having a strong separate identity makes for a strong partner in your relationship, and having strong partners with a good sense of self and independence leads to healthy relationships where you can give support and love without "need." If you are able to be strong, loving, and supporting, you'll help her reach a place where she can become the same.

Good luck. I hope I made sense!

[sarek]

Its tough to get used to that kind of thing. My long distance gf has quite a few issues which make so many things that everyone else takes for granted impossible or very difficult. And sometimes its easy to get frustrated and let emotions get the better of you(bad, bad, bad idea)

I am learning to cope with it, little by little. That is not something you do quickly, its a learning process. I guess in order to overcome problems like this it is necessary for both of you to dig deeper into what is the heart of your relationship. Once that foundation is unassailable you will be able to deal with whatever else comes your way.

[ACanthony]

Thanks everyone
I didn't want to go into specifics but I guess I will.
'Sara' has a 1 year old child. The dad is not in the picture. I am more than willing to make sacrifices for Sara. Sara lives with her parents and the parents watch the child while Sara goes to work. The parents give Sara a guilt trip. Every moment of Sara's life outside of work the parents want Sara to watch the child at all times. As a consequence, I am always driving to her place. Which is fine. We don't spend that much 1 on 1 time together. It's always with the child. Which is fine. I understand what I'm getting into. We will plan some trips together just us two but at the last minute she makes me feel bad saying "I feel bad. I don't want to leave my child with my parents." She is upset the child likes her parents more and is worried she will be a bad mom. She feels guilty the child does not have a dad so she tries to be an extra good mom....Guys, I help out all that I can. When I go over there I am always helping with the child, watching her as Sara showers or eats. I'm there for her. I told Sara that I don't mind making sacrifices (and I don't make her feel guilty at all) but I told her every once in a while we need 1 on 1 time. I see a bright future for us. And I wouldn't even mind becoming the child's father down the line. It's just so frustrating.

[Panda_Girl_17]

Awww...

Maybe you can ask her for one night to go out for a dinner, and see a film or something...

You two should be entitled to spend one-on-one, maybe schedule every Sat., or which ever works best of y'all, just to hang out together...

I dont hink this is much help but...