[Distressed2010]

Hey All,

I was seeing this guy, well for a very short time, a month really, it seemed perfect, way too perfect actually, and that scared me. I get super scared in relationships, I have past abuse as a child, I was the scapegoat and golden child at the same time.. had a very confusing childhood.

Anyway, one day I felt he told me a white lie which I still feel he did, but I jsut got really angry one day and yelled at him. After that he pulled away from me completely, I chased him for a week or so,r eally confused because he gave me mixed signals and then I sort of shifted between shouting at him and begging for him to tell me whats wrong. He never opened his mouth.

He needed to pick something of his from my place, even when he came to pick that up, He continued to tell me how much he loved me and he'd call me tonight and we'd talk about stuff... well, he never called, its been a month. I tried contacting him, he ignored me.

I gave up on him. But somewhere I feel really really guilty, like I screwed up or something. I tried really hard to talk to him, even apologized, but he's gone. That is really chewing me up.

Another major thing is that there was this girl who he knows, I was starting to get to know her as friends, and now I know for sure he's said something to her, because she also ignores my calls and has ignored my request on facebook. I was supposed to talk to her about a job at her company...

This really blows. I'm scared that whatever rumor this guy has spread to her will spread in the industry like plague.. I don't know what he's said to her but im 1000% sure he has said something negative (mostly something that isn't true because I really liked this girl as a person)...

What do I do? how do i stop feeling so crappy and worthless? I really feel like crap.

On one end i miss him terribly, on the other I feel so so so worthless... please help!

I also feel i suck at relationships, i have to many issues, like trust.. I never know if the guy means what he says..

[palemoss]

hey i am really sorry this happened. you sound just like me. blow up too easily over small things

if you are able to - let it go and move on, you will meet other guys that will be better

but if you feel really strongly about this and are "in love" you believe
then i would cool off for a bit until your emotions have subsided, maybe in two months or so - who knows he may contact you.

after that period, call him up and in a curt manner ask him if he wants to meet for coffee and that you would appreciate it. if he doesn't respond then he was never worth it. because everyone deserves a second chance.

[Distressed2010]

Hey Palemoss, thanks... not sure If i can call him after a month or two.. I contacted him last when I told him i loved him very much and i was really sorry for hurting his feelings.. he never responded so i left it at that...

Now i have double guilt, one for messing up and losing him, the other for I don't know what he's said to that girl and that really really bothers me for some reason...

[RomanSunburn]

Hey Distressed,

I have a feeling that he probably didn't say anything to that girl. She probably stopped talking to you out of respect to her friend. At least, that is what I would have done. If my friend came up to me and said that he was no longer seeing someone after only seeing the person for a short amount of time, then I wouldn't be comfortable continuing a friendship with the person he was seeing. At the absolute worst, he might have vented a little, but I highly doubt that would turn into a vicious rumor that is going to destroy your career reputation. On this matter, I would try very hard not to think about it or worry about it. Whatever was said, if anything, is beyond your control anyways, so there's no point in trying to worry about things you can't control. If you really can't stop worrying about your reputation, then work extra hard to stay level headed, calm, and collected, and polite and friendly at work.

In regards to the relationship, this is again, beyond your control. You can't control his actions, feelings, thoughts, etc. Try to move past everything and take what you can from it as a learning experience. In the future, if you start to feel panicky in your relationship, try things like journalling about it or having a calm, non-judgmental, blame free conversation with your partner about what you're feeling, why you think you're feeling that way, and what the two of you, as a team, can do together to help ease what you're feeling. Start practicing calm breathing techniques so when you get into another situation where you are yelling and then begging, you can stop, take a few deep breaths, and try to channel that energy into something positive instead of negative.

Try not to beat yourself up over this. Everyone has to go through difficulties to help them learn how to be the person they want to be. Also remember not to stress about things you can't control -- it will drive you crazy. I know everything I said is a lot easier said than done, but reward yourself for baby steps and small accomplishments. Good luck! Remember to take care of you!

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

Hey Distressed,

I have a feeling that he probably didn't say anything to that girl. She probably stopped talking to you out of respect to her friend. At least, that is what I would have done. If my friend came up to me and said that he was no longer seeing someone after only seeing the person for a short amount of time, then I wouldn't be comfortable continuing a friendship with the person he was seeing. At the absolute worst, he might have vented a little, but I highly doubt that would turn into a vicious rumor that is going to destroy your career reputation. On this matter, I would try very hard not to think about it or worry about it. Whatever was said, if anything, is beyond your control anyways, so there's no point in trying to worry about things you can't control. If you really can't stop worrying about your reputation, then work extra hard to stay level headed, calm, and collected, and polite and friendly at work.

In regards to the relationship, this is again, beyond your control. You can't control his actions, feelings, thoughts, etc. Try to move past everything and take what you can from it as a learning experience. In the future, if you start to feel panicky in your relationship, try things like journalling about it or having a calm, non-judgmental, blame free conversation with your partner about what you're feeling, why you think you're feeling that way, and what the two of you, as a team, can do together to help ease what you're feeling. Start practicing calm breathing techniques so when you get into another situation where you are yelling and then begging, you can stop, take a few deep breaths, and try to channel that energy into something positive instead of negative.

Try not to beat yourself up over this. Everyone has to go through difficulties to help them learn how to be the person they want to be. Also remember not to stress about things you can't control -- it will drive you crazy. I know everything I said is a lot easier said than done, but reward yourself for baby steps and small accomplishments. Good luck! Remember to take care of you!

Hi RomanSunburn,

Thanks. I would understand if she were friends with him and out of loyalty she did that but she and him aren't friends, they'd only met twice.. in a group.. that's why i feel he has said something to her because she all of a sudden has stopped communicating with me.. i've seen him lie about others and pass around others personal stuff so that's why i wouldn't be surprised if he'd done this...

Secondly, I try so hard to tell myself his response is beyond my control and i believe it is too, what makes it hard is that my actions were under my control and I feel like i blew up the love of my life ( as crazy as it sounds becuase i only knew him for a month) but i really really really liked him, A LOT! i felt he was my soulmate, and i constantly feel i messed up big time, but then theres the other side of me that believes that i also realized i did wrong and i apologized (i tried to fix it, and if he really cared he could have said it to my face he was hurt by my actions, but maybe then again he's nonconfrontational...or doesn't know how to communicate unless its passive aggressively..), i could have communicated in a calmer manner but at that time he said something and i just blew up... i have a hard time controlling my anger if its aroused in teh middle of a conversation..

i'm feeling extreme guilt and am feeling responsible for all this.. that's what i need help with at this point

[palemoss]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Hi RomanSunburn,

Thanks. I would understand if she were friends with him and out of loyalty she did that but she and him aren't friends, they'd only met twice.. in a group.. that's why i feel he has said something to her because she all of a sudden has stopped communicating with me.. i've seen him lie about others and pass around others personal stuff so that's why i wouldn't be surprised if he'd done this...

Secondly, I try so hard to tell myself his response is beyond my control and i believe it is too, what makes it hard is that my actions were under my control and I feel like i blew up the love of my life ( as crazy as it sounds becuase i only knew him for a month) but i really really really liked him, A LOT! i felt he was my soulmate, and i constantly feel i messed up big time, but then theres the other side of me that believes that i also realized i did wrong and i apologized (i tried to fix it, and if he really cared he could have said it to my face he was hurt by my actions, but maybe then again he's nonconfrontational...or doesn't know how to communicate unless its passive aggressively..), i could have communicated in a calmer manner but at that time he said something and i just blew up... i have a hard time controlling my anger if its aroused in teh middle of a conversation..

i'm feeling extreme guilt and am feeling responsible for all this.. that's what i need help with at this point

do you feel guilty bc you disappointed him and yourself?

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by palemoss

do you feel guilty bc you disappointed him and yourself?

Hey,

Yes, first i feel guilty i hurt him and i messed it up for myself because I really liked him...i feel like its ME who's responsible for losing him..
then i feel angry, because he didn't confront me and pretended everything was okay by saying it was but his actions were different, they'd changed...

i also then feel angry that the reason i shouted was because he was telling a white lie.. wasn't being direct.

he's not very direct, he doesn't confront... he gets passive aggressive... which is fine, i dont expect him to be different.. but i'm angry at the fact that atleast he should kind of try to talk it out with me so he doesn't just end the relationship completely.. without understanding my side...

So there's a lot of mixture of feelings, i swing back and forth between guilt and anger, and then sadness is somewhere there.. now i'm also hurt that I never got closure, its like i just got kicked to the side and dropped and thrown away without reason.. its not like I did such a BIG thing like cheated on him, I just yelled at him ONCE.. not saying its right, but saying that the punishment for that is not fair...he left me.

To top that off, i'm 1000% sure he's said something to that girl because he knew we were talking business, he knew i needed to meet with her regarding work soon.. and he also knew i liked her as a person and we were probably gonna be friends in the future (me and her)...