[lizzie4249]

Hi, I'm new to this and was looking for some outside advice!
I was seeing my now boyfriend for about 6 months before we became an item. During this 6 months he constantly talked about his ex girlfriend. He was broke up with her about 3 years at the time but was in a steady 4 year relationship with her. Every single day we were together he would always bring her into almost every conversation. I now know pretty much every detail about her without even meeting her! I even know what moisturiser she wears due to him telling me one night. Since we became an item he never mentions her. I confronted him about it lately and he said he never taught we would end up in a relationship, we both just taught we were having fun at the time!

Am I crazy to be extremely insecure about his feelings for her? I find myself constantly questioning myself wheither he still has feelings.
All comments appreaciated!!

[lad007]

Well before you got together did he mention he wanted to get back with her when he talked about her? I think the fact that he has stopped talking about her is a good sign that he doesn't.

[palemoss]

Hi,

Oh my God. I was in the exact same situation a few months ago. I was dating this guy, we had been friends for about 2 years, he had been in and on and off relationship for 4 years, but always pursued me. Anyway, we dated and he would bring up his ex (not alot, but substantial).

It.drove.me.crazy.

In fact it made me feel so insecure and paranoid that I was being used, I became depressed bc I was really in love with him.

You are valid in feeling insecure, men who do this are a) idiots, b) inconsiderate jerks, c) confused about whether they are emotionally available.

However, you can take the high road and talk to him about it in a civil manner and explain how it makes you feel insecure. Ask him if he is able to love you. Ask him if he still wants to be with her.

This is your life and your emotions, protect yourself. And remember what the risks are for breaking up ...

[Hazel Glitter]

My husband talked about his ex for 4 years straight and he just now seems to be gradually getting away from talking about her. I think he just realized I was tired of hearing it. He also constantly talked about his son that he raised until he was 6 and found out he wasn't his. He even would compare that child (who he no longer has contact with) to the child we had together. That really upset me but it seems to have gradually went away also.

I believe that there was unfinished emotions in both yours and my situations but in your situation he seems to have come to the conclusion that he wants to be with you and that he is willing to get over his past. I would hang in there as long as he does not constantly bring her up anymore. If he keeps bringing her up, he apparently has not gotten over her and is not ready for a relationship with you. I wish I would have seen this flag (among many) at the beginning of my marriage.

[lizzie4249]

Thanks for the help guys! No he never brings her up anymore now that we are in a relationship, sometimes I do as part of the insecurity of the situation and he usually gets mad at me for bringing her up and says he only ever thinks about her when I bring her up! He says he's happier with me than he has ever been and he was so young when he was with her! (about 17-21). Even though he reasures me if I bring it up I still wonder WHY he talked about her in the first place, I have ex's too but I have so little interest in them now that they never even pop into my head! Maybe it's just a guy thing, or maybe it's because she was his first girlfriend/love?? No he never said he wanted to get back with her or that he had feelings for her, it was pretty much just loads of memories of her and him together popping into his head! I think the best thing I can do is stop tormenting myself and forget about it..

[odoyle]

Originally Posted by lizzie4249

Thanks for the help guys! No he never brings her up anymore now that we are in a relationship, sometimes I do as part of the insecurity of the situation and he usually gets mad at me for bringing her up and says he only ever thinks about her when I bring her up! He says he's happier with me than he has ever been and he was so young when he was with her! (about 17-21). Even though he reasures me if I bring it up I still wonder WHY he talked about her in the first place, I have ex's too but I have so little interest in them now that they never even pop into my head! Maybe it's just a guy thing, or maybe it's because she was his first girlfriend/love?? No he never said he wanted to get back with her or that he had feelings for her, it was pretty much just loads of memories of her and him together popping into his head! I think the best thing I can do is stop tormenting myself and forget about it..

The brain can be an evil thing, Lizzie. Sometimes it likes to force us into these painful, repetitive thought patterns that torment us.

Here is what I think you should focus on. He's with you now, and he seems pretty devoted to you. He never brings her up anymore, and he even feels uncomfortable when you do. If all his attention is on YOU, then I think it's safe to say that he's available to love you.

Guys are NOT very complex creatures, for the most part. I would take what he said about being happier with you than he ever has been at face value. And the next time you start to feel insecure, remember what he said