[LoveHopeStrength14]

There is something that I realized about myself:
I've never been able to feel comfortable being on my own and in between my long term serious relationships I find myself causally dating men that really didn't mean much to me.

I'm learning and recognizing these relationship patterns and it's hard and sometimes I find myself feeling bad about myself.

I enjoyed having that other company by my side, waking up getting the good morning text, buying that new outfit to get ready to meet a guy for dinner, and just knowing I have someone there makes me feel good. This pattern has caused alot of stress bc I then mistaken the attention I'm getting from men and ending up being with men who are horribly wrong for me. I don't feel lonely but I just enjoy having the feeling of being in a relationship.

Thats a pattern that I need to break and change. I want to learn how to enjoy my own company and not be in a relationship.

Please give me insights on how to more forward from here.

[afterrain]

You can go out with guys just as friends. Take the time to really get to know one before getting in a relationship. Try to give it a month or three to see if you like the person. And there is nothing wrong in just being friends.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by LoveHopeStrength14

I want to learn how to enjoy my own company and not be in a relationship.

Hi LoveHopeStrength,
That is insightful and courageous. It's a little hard to "get to know yourself" and spend time alone. But I think it's worth it. Hmm. My ideas:
Take a class in something you have always wanted to try: Oil painting? Metal sculpture? Writing? Boxing?
Try a 12-step group? (I have found this one helpful): http://www.coda.org/
or try a social group like meetup.com...
Sending supportive thoughts.

[missbelle]

First you have to like yourself...and feel that you are a whole person without some guy. Sometimes that takes a while, a long while.You have to decide to work on yourself. I found that when I stopped being in a relationship I had to own up to things I used to blame the other person for. I had to stop finding my happiness in someone else and expecting them to make me happy. I had to own up to mistakes that I would blame on the other person..."like if it was not for them I would not have done this!"

When you have found the "you", you will find that you are great company. No magic answers again...just hard work to discover who you are!!

Hugs;

[Travelinglady]

You didn't say anything about women friends. I know they can't give you all what a male can , but they are very important for a woman's emotional well-being. I enjoy going shopping, to the movies, out for coffee, etc. with my female friends.

I am married to a great guy, but still these friends are important! I have one (also married) who I see a least once a week. In the meantime, at least once a day we e-mail each other or call.

Please know that being boyfriend-less is not a crime! As someone suggested, find hobbies, go "stag" to events, join clubs, volunteer, take a class, and, overall, please learn to love yourself, if you think that might be an issue! (If need be, then a T can help with this matter.) Best wishes! You ARE a fine person to spend time with!

[alwaysrejoice]

Wow its great you recognize the pattern. You could try something new? I go to craft classes, maybe there is something in your area like that?

[eskielover]

I left my husband after 33 years of being together to being completely alone to start with. Several men wanted to be friends, but I wanted to be by myself & figure out who & what I finally stood for & believed after so many years of being tied together even though I was a very independent wife who had her own computer engineering career for 15 years & went & did the things that interested me even while I was married.....but there were values that I gave up also.

I never had women friends because my career was all men mostly & I enjoyed playing racquettball with the men because they were more equal to my ablilty & it seemed that women were only interested in talking about their children or their husband's work & were never themselves......so I never bothered to have any women friends.

I am still married because of the complicated financial situation we are in, but I live 2100 miles away from him & never talk with him unless there is some business need that has to be handled. When I first moved away, I got involved in the reading club at the library. Bible studies at church, & I have a wonderful group of people who ride horses that I am involved with. We actually have several different groups of riders our back country horseman's group & several women's groups that get together.

Along with that, I volunteered for the decoration crew at the World Equestrian Games last year & that has led to another group that gets together annually & decorates for the Rolex 3 day event at our KY horse park.

I remember first being alone in my home that I bought with the money from selling my mother's house after she died. I stood in the kitchen looking into my refrig & relizing that all the food I had in there was what I liked & it wasn't anything that my husband liked or had in our refrig when I lived with him. I could handle my finances the way I felt was right & not only that, but I knew everything about my situations. I didn't hire the best people & had some real business problems, but so have many others who are married. At least my husband couldn't think that what he was telling me was correct & ended up being a lie.....I knew exactly everything I was involved with & where my finances stand at every moment of the day. I find that it is such a blessing to be alone. I don't need a man to make me feel valuable or care for me. Thank you, I can care for myself for most things & when I need a strong arm to take care of something that I don't have the strength for, one of the men from church are kind enough to come I help me out.

I fixed the jack on my horse trailer by taking it apart & finding it was just a little pin that had broken. I changed the roller on my garage door that broke. I couldn't unfasten the pipe that broke that went into my toilet in my master bath & I couldn't get my garage door open with the broken cable & not having money to pay to have it fixed, I just get by with making due & getting the help I need to get into the state where I can make due.

I found wonderful women friends that I never considered having before. We have very interesting talks & they are about all kinds of things from politics to religion to horses to gardens & everything inbetween. It keeps my life interesting & very fulfilled. I have many friends who are married & many who aren't & get along wonderfully with all.

After my husband not communicating to me about the death of my horse this last weekend & knowing that he never communicated with me even when we were living together married, I am just so wonderfully happy to not have to have anything to do with him except when there is something we have to take care of relating to business or taxes. I realize I never respected him from the beginning which really kept me from ever truly loving him (ah how wonderful is hindsight). I have never missed being around him & absense never made the heart grow fonder....it just made me more & more happy to be by myself & not have to depend on anyone but myself who I knew I could trust.

Hope this can give you some insight from someone who is happy being alone & what I have do to keep myself busy & interested in life. I live on 10 acres of beautiful countryside with woods in my back acres surrounded by farms in every direction. I can't imagine ever living in the city again.....which is something coming from Los Angeles California. Life isn't easy.....but It's good & I wouldn't trade it for any other. I would change some of how things are right now like getting my other horses here with me.....but my 5 american eskimo dogs give me complete unconditional love which is so very easy to return. I don't need a man to get dressed up for to make me feel good about myself. Sometimes those little kisses from my eskies is more wonderful than anything that a man could provide & definitely is filled with more feeling.

Pattern's are not easy to break.....but recognizing them in the first place is the first step you can take to stopping your actions. One has to be aware before they can do anything & this is a good place to start for you. Find your interests & delve yourself into them & put your efforts into what you like to do in life that makes you happy without a man being involved......from there you can start to feel more & more independent.

[Emily_Strange]

I did the same thing. I didn't break the pattern until I ended up with some bipolar guy who was emotionally traumatic to be with. I took many months off, although I still slept with people on the side like you. Finally I gave it all up completely. I had the best girlfriends in the world who I scheduled time with every week. I picked up new books, new hobbies, until I really stuck with a few. Took time to think about my career. I got a better job finally. I felt better about myself with that and was able to take more time for myself instead of use my small amounts of time to self medicate with men. Buddhism helped.

It wasn't until I was really hurt and felt good about my job that I grew out of it.

I spent a summer going to swing dance lessons with a woman 20 yrs my senior. There was no sex involved. Quite honestly it was the best time I've had since being in my last serious romance. You can enroll in a class, even if you don't have a partner-and often there are others looking to pair up as well. At the end of the night, there is no pressure to go home with anyone and you often get to dance with different partners so it's getting great exercise while also being able to nonchalantly "check out" the other team. Double dip if you like or keep it clean if there's no attraction, no harm done. Dancing is the world's best natural medicine for the soul, hands down-and the most fun you can have with your clothes on.