[krisakira]

I feel like whenever I'm sick, no ones ever there to really comfort me... I mean, sure my boyfriend has taken me to the hospital before and was there the whole time during my ear surgery. He even bought some soup and meds for me a couple times. But he never says any comforting words, like I'm here for you, or it's gonna get better, and doesn't even ask me if theres anything he could do to help. I have been sick the past few days (even worse tonight), and I could not get to sleep the night before. I was shivering and chattering my teeth and had a fever and my body hurt so bad that I actually was crying. It was 3am. Sure, my boyfriend has to sleep (we live together, by the way), and he has a job to go to, 8-5... But i really felt like I needed some soup to help warm me up and perhaps soothe me to sleep. But there was no way I felt like getting off the couch to get me some... Technically, I could, but I was so miserable I just didn't want to... You all know how that is. Also, there were no clean dishes, so I would have had to clean a bowl too. So, I called my boyfriends cell phone and he picked up in the bedroom. I asked him if he could wash a bowl and make me some soup real quick. He was very grumpy, which is quite understandable considering I woke him up. I told him he didn't have to. But he said, "Well, I guess I could..." and I asked "Are you sure?" and he said, "Not really... " so I said "You don't have to" and he said "its ok... " like one of those disappointing bothered voice. So he got up and washed a bowl and made me some soup. It was really nice... But, i know he didn't want to... I mean, its not like he had to be overly joyous about it, but I wish I had someone in my life who actually wanted to help me when I don't feel good. Someone willing to even volunteer themselves to do something for me. He doesn't even check up on me, see if I'm ok. I wish he did those little things. No ones ever really been there to comfort me much. My needs were overlooked a lot, especially growing up in my family... My boyfriend made me feel like a bother, and selfish, for making him do that for me. I cried a lot, but he went back to sleep. He actually called in today saying he was sick so he didn't go to work. Im sure it wasn't just because he was up for 5 minutes, right?? It reminds me of my dad. Damn i hate how it reminds me of my dad. Cant ever wake him up for any reason, not even when I needed to go to the ER, nope didn't take me... I hate the transference there. he's not my dad. I'm terrified of him turning in to my dad though. But right now, I guess all I want is for someone to rub my back and make me some soup, and run their fingers through my hair, kiss me on my head and say, it'll be ok, I'm here for you... I guess when you are sick, maybe your feelings are heightened or something. I just feel totally insignificant.

[lad007]

I'm sorry you are not feeling well, but I think it is way too much to expect that someone get up at 3am to make you soup when they have to work the next day. I would not expect my husband to do that. If you have a life threatening illness or something, wake them up, but not over that.
Most men are not nurturers, and not mind readers so you have to be very specific about what you need, or they don't know. You can't expect them to act like grandma and take care of you. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. So tell him exactly what you need, but not at 3am. Hope you feel better soon.

[krisakira]

The thing is, I told him he could say no to making me soup at night. It wasnt something i expected him to do, but not even during the day will he comfort me or anything. I guess it's just the 1 time I felt like I needed him.

[Confusedinomicon]

Have you talked to him about this?

It is something that is hard but it is possible to do. Maybe in his past relationships he never had or was expected to be so caring. The only way you will find out is if you talk to him. Good luck Kris<333333

[odoyle]

I am sorry you are feeling sick Kris. I hope you feel better soon.

Originally Posted by lad007

Most men are not nurturers, and not mind readers so you have to be very specific about what you need, or they don't know. You can't expect them to act like grandma and take care of you. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. So tell him exactly what you need, but not at 3am. Hope you feel better soon.

For the most part this is true. I mean personally I'm a nurturer, but I sure am no mind reader. And most guys know that when their lady says "You don't have to if you don't want to..." it means you better freakin well do it.

Honestly, you need to be direct and talk to him what you want. If you try to drop subtle hints, he's never going to get it and you are going to continue to feel unimportant. Have you ever really opened up and told him what your dad was like? Maybe it's too early in the relationship for something like that, I don't know. But it could be something to consider.

The thing about the male species is that we are about as dense as granite. We just don't pick up on things very well. If you have a sit down talk with your boyfriend, tell him what's bothering you and how you feel, and he still doesn't get it or doesn't respond, then he might not be the guy for you.

Whatever happens, I hope it works out for the best.

[krisakira]

Confusedinomicon: yeah kind of. he surprisingly brought it up when I was texting him while he was at work. (he has a lot of down time between phone calls so he is allowed to, or at least can get away with it lol) he told me he is between a rock and a hard spot cause he wants to comfort me but he has work. it made me feel better that he really does want to comfort me but feels like his job is compromising it. i know it makes sense, but it really did make me feel better knowing he really wants to comfort me. i think thats all i really wanted to know, or be reassured of.

My H is also not a great natural comforter, but he makes up for it by being willing to listen to my feelings about his general deficiencies and he's willing to try to change.

But, I have to be very specific about what I want him to do. And very specific about asking for it. I think what I hear in your story is that he's not reading your mind and comforting you in the way that you want. And, yeah, the one time you tell him directly, you wake him up at 3am and ask him to make you soup? I wouldn't be so happy about it either, as soup at 3am hardly seems like a necessary activity. If you are feeling well enough to eat at 3am, I don't think you need someone else to heat up a can of soup for you. You may want someone to be there in this way for you, and that's okay, but I don't see how it was a need.

I would suggest, as others have, that you talk to him about feeling insignificant, and help him understand why you want him to be there in the ways that you want. Ask him if you can lean on him a little when you're sick. Then tell him specifically, at reasonable hours, what you'd like him to do.

Anne

Anne

[krisakira]

when i say "you don't have to" i really do mean it... i don't like it when someone does something for me, and really doesn't want to, makes me fear he will resent me for it. guess I'm weird lol