[shannonh1028]

Ok, so here is my issue.

About 2.5 years ago I found out that my husband whom was my fiance at the time cheated on me. Since then we have married and I haven't had any trouble with trusting him, which is hard to do since he works out of state and is only home for a few days a month at best. Lately I have been having anxiety about the issue and feeling that something just isn't right. On one of his trips home recently I decided to use his laptop to play some games and an instant message came up from a girl. I didn't respond to her but it made me curious of what he has been up to. I logged into his recent IM conversations and realized that he had been chatting it up with girls from online porn sites. The porn didn't bother me at the time, but what he said while IMing did. I explained to him that I seen the conversation and I knew that he was viewing online porn. I stated my concern about his statement and how he was also viewing porn at home while I was asleep in the other room. He promised to not IM the girls again. Since this I have now continued to log into his IM conversations while he is out of town working. I have not seen any more IMs to girls but I have checked out his emails and noticed that he has joined a tripple X sex site for dating purposes. This site asks you to put your status and what you are looking for. He states he is looking for a 1 on 1 for dating, sex, fetishes, all sorts of things and also has his marital status as I'll tell you later. So now here it is. He isn't doing the IMing from his normal IM email he is using their IM system to chat with nasty girls. I just don't know what to do. His actions are really bothersom. I have heard many times that a predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I just hope this isn't the case.
On top of him performing these acts, it seems as if he is attempting to accuse me of something. I made a statement to a friend about how it is like being a single mother with a perk of a pay check, this statement was made because the friend asked me how I do it all. After that statement was made he became aggrivated and accused me of living the single life when he wasn't home because I didn't answer my phone a couple of times when he called. Another incident happend just this past weekend. I had a birthday party for our daughter. He of course wasn't home because he has been working for the past month and a half. I told him that most of the parents dropped off their children and left but one guy stayed and helped me out with the hamburgers and hotdogs. My husband flipped out about another man cooking on his grill and how it was b.s. that I let a man in the house when I was there by myself. (I was only alone with this man for maybe 30-45 minutes before some family finally arrived and we were never alone, who is alone with 9 children running around? I am sick and tired of the accusations towards me when I do nothing at all. I am a stay at home mother of 3 kids, two of which go to school and the baby stays home with me. Why am I getting all the harsh treatment? What am I to do? I have a hard time with confronting him because I don't want to get him mad and end up in some huge fight. When I do bring up an iffy situation I always use a calm voice because I know if I don't I will have hell to pay. But he flys off the handle at me for no good reson. I have become obsested with this issue. I can't seem to fall asleep before 4 O'clock in the morning, then i'm dragging my butt all day because I haven't slept. Then of course I become crabby and take it out on the kids. I have become that mother that yells for no apparent reason. I am yelling at the wrong people obviously, they have done nothing to deserve being screamed at. I think I really need to speak to a therapist about this situation and others that I am dealing with. Sex has always been an issue for me because of my childhood and it is still haunting me today. I love my husband dearly and don't want sex to be an issue of infidelity. I do "give it up" when he is home but he's never home. I feel like he wants a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed and i'm just not that kind of person. I can take it or leave it, no big deal for me. I have told him I will work on being more sexual but it is difficult to do when I don't feel appreciated and I fell like I'm just a peice of meat that is here to serve him, cook, clean, take care of all of the household chores (even the manly ones), carry, birth, and raise the children, and then when all of thats over have sex.

I know this is alot to take in. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks bunches y'all
Shannon.

[lad007]

Well I can understand you are upset about the porn, I would be too. I also know you are tired from all the hard work you do.
If you want to stay married and it sounds like you do, you can try to find ways to be what your husband needs when you are alone. You mentioned you have family, can they take the kids the next time your husband is home and have a romantic evening with him?
He is a guy and they need sex. You shouldn't feel like a piece of meat, this is your husband. Men have those expectations and if they don't get want they want they look elsewhere sometimes. It's not your fault, but try to see it from his side.
A lot of men want a lady in the street and a freak in bed, so you could work on that. Try to expand your mind on that a little. Buy a book on positions or something and some new lingerie, tell him you want to try something different. May do wonders for both of you.
My husband loves that kind of stuff, and even does the dishes and cooks a little now!

[odoyle]

Hi Shannon,

That sounds like an awful situation to be trapped in.

If I may express a personal opinion, it sounds to me like your husband is going on the offensive, to keep you on the defensive so that you will not voice your concern about his activities. I have seen it many times, where someone who is sneaking around becomes aggressive to try and draw attention away from themselves.

I am very concerned about the effect this is having on you, and subsequently your children. If the stress and worry is keeping you up all hours of the night, and you are subsequently taking it out on the kids, then it needs to stop. I think that a therapist would be a great place to start, but easier said than done, right? If your husband is always away from home working, then who is going to look after the kids, etc.

You did say a couple of things that indicate there may either physical or emotional abuse involved. "Fly off the handle" and "hell to pay" are the two that stood out. If that is the case, then I would really urge you to seek help. Again, not just for yourself, but for your children as well.

Ultimately you have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who is looking for sex partners on a XXX dating site, who goes off on you to try and draw attention away from his own infidelity, and who is having this sort of affect on your family. Ask yourself, where do you see yourself and your kids in 10 years if this continues?

[IceCreamKid]

You've been sold a load of hogwash. You're working, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week with children in the house. Even when you are asleep at night, you are there ready to protect your children in case of fire or other emergency. You have every right to be tired, and you could have sex swinging from a chandelier and still be tired because of the nature of your daily life. If you and your husband want your life together to change, together you must change. That means both of you. The total burden shouldn't be placed on you and no amount of trashy lingerie or catering to your husband's sexual fetishes is going to fix the real problems in your marriage. The next time your husband leaves you for six weeks, take that time to sit down and decide what you want your life to be like. When he comes home, ask him to do the same. Then together the two of you should sit down, fully clothed, and compare your wish lists. If you need to, get a marriage counselor to help.

[alliwantislove]

the distance between you is whats killing ur marriage. i feel that u dont feel appreciated. distance is always hard on a relationships. dnt keep ur feelings in communicate with ur husband let him know ur thoughts and feelings. how long has it been since a date or a getaway with ur husband?

[shannonh1028]

Originally Posted by alliwantislove

the distance between you is whats killing ur marriage. i feel that u dont feel appreciated. distance is always hard on a relationships. dnt keep ur feelings in communicate with ur husband let him know ur thoughts and feelings. how long has it been since a date or a getaway with ur husband?

Having a date night or a getaway is very difficult for us. It really souldn't be because his mother lives a block away but she will say that she will watch the kids for us and then she won't answer her phone, so we got to the point that we don't even ask. I visited him in N.C. for our anniversary last month and plan on going up there again to visit for Thanksgiving, but again we have the kids. I think we have been out together 1 night in the past year. It is rediculous, but I really don't know or trust anyone to stay with my children so we just hang out at home and may have a few drinks and play some darts while the kids are sleeping. Our life is really quiet boring and I find it unfullfilling most times. I am have been trying to look at the brighter side of things for the last week or so and eventhough it has been difficult at times I find that my days are getting better, especially when the kids behave.

[alliwantislove]

its very important for couples to have their time together ALONE. its hard when u have kids. me and my husband go out alone at least once a week. its really nice to just enjoy each other. make each other feel appreciated and wanted. i understand the feeling of just leaving ur children with someone i sometimes dnt feel comfortable leaving our daughter with my mother in law lol i know theres a website called care.com they run background checks on any sitters u hire from the site.

i wish ur marriage the best. and i hope you feel better