about to become a single mother, facing huge discrimination.

Hi
I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice for me, I'm about to leave my partner of four years, due to years of drug use, violence, and general ill treatment. I'm finally strong enough mentally and physically, and I'm finally financially capable.
I've been scared and weak before, but now I'm ready.

The problem is, I come from a family background which is extremely religious, judgmental, and very against single motherhood, so much so, that 've spent many years in a horrible situation and suffered depression and anxiety trying to keep my relationship problems secret. After all this time with my partner, I physically can't take anymore and I've planned and saved to leave with my child. We'll have everything we need, except when I make this move, my family will be so embarrassed by what I've done that I will lose their love and support and possibly be shunned by them.

I will be completely alone.
I'm worried I will not have the mental strength to make it on my own with no support.
I'm 32, my baby is 12months.

I really want to do this but I feel like I'm walking into the dark alone with a child.

This might not seem like a big deal, but I'm worried I will suffer depression while I'm on my own and not have anyone, but I cannot stay with my partner, he is awful, and I cannot please my family, their culture doesn't allow for independent thinking, everything they want for me is not good for me and my child.

Hi Joanna03279, welcome to Psych Central!
It sounds as though, if you stayed, your partner (and your family) wouldn't be that much of a relief from depression. Will you have access to counseling or therapy?

Here's a page about things to keep in mind when leaving an abusive relationship. I wanted to mention it because conventional wisdom, at least, warns that abusive partners often become even more dangerous when they find out that their partner is leaving. Here's where that link came from. Those particular sites seem to focus on California; if you're in another part of the world, I hope you find other appropriate resources closer to you.

Good luck!

Hi,
It sounds like you have a plan and the courage to see it through. I had to make the decision at 33 to raise my baby with no family support, or the father's, but I did manage to survive. Now she's and very successful, although we have some issues.
Depression doesn't have to be part of it. Hopefully you can line up support - a T, good medical care, and child care. Being a single mother shaped my character more than anything, although there were tough times, I had excellent health and spiritual support later. Your family might change their minds; mine did and later helped me buy a house. As long as your baby is protected you will be alright. All the best to you!

Joanna, I hope you will take FooZe's links to heart. If your partner is your baby's biological father, you might do well to speak to a lawyer early on about protecting your rights & the child's, in case he seeks custody. Depending on where you are, things could get complicated quickly. If he does, do you think the community will back him against you?

If you are from one of the really "closed communities" like the Amish, there are others who have left. Depending on where you go, it might be possible you for to link up with some of them--if only online at first.

I certainly admire what you are doing, both for yourself & your child. That's a very lucky baby!

Thank you all.
I will be looking into the councilling and therapy, I'll talk to anyone who'll help get stronger, I will also try to find out about my rights after I leave, I don't want the feelings of loneliness to return when I'm on my own.
And I haven't given much thought to my partner causes problems when I leave him, so I'll look into that.
He's very clever, he's always found ways to keep us, and make me believe I was wrong for wanting to leave, but I'm so excited about being on my own I'm hoping I'll be numb to any mental manipulation.

I don't know how women do it on their own with a child, but I'm amazed at how well they do and how happy they seem. I often wondered if those women are happier than Jewish, catholic and Muslim women who abide by what we're use to, until now I'm reading more and more stories about women who have suffered abuse and depression and left.

Thanks for your helpful tips and words I will start doing lots of research (quietly, lol)

Also thank you fooze for your link. I wish I had known all that earlier, it would have been so much easier. Thanks again. X

Hello, Joanna. Does your community have a safe shelter or equivalent? See: http://www.safeshelter.org/Home.aspx

Volunteers assist those who need help in getting out of an abusive relationship and into a place of safety.

I greatly admire your courage and wish you well.

I agree with roadrunner. Getting legal help is important to protect your rights. Shelters are not great environments for babies.

I know in religious communities people will tell you to pray when you are in a difficult situation, but I do not think that God wants us to live a miserable life, he wants us to be happy.
Just to bring up one point you need to consider-if he wants to be in the child's life when he takes your child on visits for the night or weekend you lose control over what happens. Some people stay until their kids get older so the children can vocalize what happens at the other parents house, and if there is drug activity, abuse, etc. they can talk about it to the proper people. It's really hard to terminate parental rights, even convicts can get parental rights, so please consider that in your decision making process.

This is what brought me here to this site, I thought I was losing my mind. I thought surely I am not mad, I am still the same person, but my partner had changed not long after we got married , about six months, and was using drugs. I couldn't communicate with him anymore. I prayed and did everything right, but he was like a different person. Nothing I did was right.
When I was pregnant, I was at home not working and things got bad.Then my baby came and my partner was very demanding, I couldn't cope, everything fell apart and I got very depressed, for a long time I did everything I could to make him happy but it was too exhausting with baby as well and I was constantly trying to make him happy, and things got worse.
So eight months ago when I realised from a lot of reading and desperation that I was depressed and getting worse and worse, I started to look at leaving him. Since I've known in my head that I'm leaving I've felt better and better everyday. some days are hard but it keeps me going.

I could not go to a shelter, I want to be very prepared so there's no turning back. I've saved enough money to get us into a small place. I work one day a week and a lady at my work has been a reference for me to get a house to rent. She knows I'm leaving for good reasons and is willing to help me this way.

I think about what will happen later on but if my husband tries to take my child or harm us, my parents although disgraced, know he has hurt us and I think they will be on my side. But I will seek legal help because I am a citizen and I work and don't do drugs.
EVen though I have had depression and struggled, I've been a good mother, so hopefully that will count.
The law, from what I've read is very forgiving when it comes to men and there children, what I find sad, is they want to see their children when they're not allowed to but they are no good to the women who raise their children, and spend little time at home with their children.
It's so much to consider, it would be so much better if, when they hurt you could just walk out and say leave us alone or the law will get you : )

Thank you again.