[MIMM420]

First of all, I am in the wrong. So please do not judge me. I've learned a lot of things through this mess. But I got involved with a married man. When we met it was instant love and we bonded on nothing more than communication. We talked about life a lot, past and exisiting problems and we bonded through eachothers personal experiences. We began seeing eachother and then tried to break it off quickly for several reasons. But mainly because we were falling in love and that was not right for the situation. It did not last and we continued the relationship. 8 months in he told his wife and that was the beginning of two long years of seperation. She moved out, he moved out, she moved out. They own a house together but no children. His wife was very co-dependant on him and was not handling the situation well (I guess who really does) and over the course of two years he tried to ease her in to this new life without him while also adjusting himself. Change is still very hard on someone even when it's their initiation. In any case it was constant 2 years of hatred, depression, hurt, guilt, anxiety etc. She would not let up on him and this has taken a great toll on him and our relationship. Through all of this our relationship remained strong and he continued to express to me to stick it through and stay by his side.

She finally began moving on, new life, moved away etc. Our life together was falling in place (or so I thought it felt). Things were close to normal and it felt good. Many friends, family etc were accepting the situation or finally understanding things and life was moving on. I had been living in his house for probably a year with him. Bits of resentment would come out of him at times, or he would be sad etc. But we always worked through it.

Now after everything, the fight we fought and being steps away from making it he asks me to leave. He needs time. He feels too badly about his divorce and the role we ultimately played in it. I understand this, but I don't understand why after all of this time he would choose to do this now .... why not months ago? A year ago? It's been almost 3 years with me.

I always expressed to him how important it is that we remain open, communication is the key to a successful relationship, he would express to me that although our foundation didn't start a solid one that he was sure we could persevere and it indeed is solid enough to make a life. So I am confused, and hurt, and very sad. I did everything I could to be supportive of him through these year, even though it was very painful for me too. I cannot be mad at him and I know I am in the wrong very much so that makes this pain I feel worse. But our love was so deep. He says he still loves me. He just needs time and wants to disassociate he and I from her.

I don't know where to go from here. I miss him deeply and am trying to give him his time. But I am scared. I have had enough relationships to know what is good and beautiful and despite our complications it's what we had and I am so very scared to lose it forever.

[MIMM420]

This post is really to hear people's perspectives ........ for my sake as well as his. I care about him with all my heart.

[Broken1900]

I am the other side of the story. I am the wife he cheated on. Well he dossn't call it cheating because it was a phone thing. At least that is what he told me at first. Then I find out he was calling up to 30 times a day and texting her up to 100 times a day. He is in the miliatary and I moved with him for 10 years. His unit was going to be deployed for the next 3 years. So I wanted to move back home to be close to my family. Our son really had no relationship with them. Well he was upset because when he got leave he could not come here. He had to stay on base. So he needed some one to talk to. Would you call it cheating ? We have been married 12 years and have a son. And we met on the internet, I was in love with him befor we every met face to face.

[OurLadysTears]

I could be wrong, but it sounds as though he is grieving over his past lost relationship, which is normal. When a relationship ends, normally a person needs time to gather themself before starting a new one. I don't know the circumstances of his past marriage when you two started talking (whether it was running on dry ends or maintaining some normalcy), but regardless, he was never given the time to make a proper transition. He is probably starting to realize this now that stressful situations aren't bogging down his mind. I think he probably does need to time away to mentally adjust to everything that has happened over the past couple of years. I do think you two need to try and communicate and understand each others feelings a bit better.

[Kattic]

This may have nothing to do with your situation, but I believe that for many people who are dissatisfied with their marriage, they can find themselves drawn to a new person, as a way to help them disengage from their marriage.

Once the marriage is over, there is the realization that what occurred was not simply a matter of finding the perfect mate and ending an existing marriage . . . rather, the "new love" was simply a way of extracting one's self f/ the marriage. It gave a sense of purpose and reason and sanity to the act of divorce. And it was exciting.

I have known folks that then rejected their lover once the divorce was finalized . . . b/c the lover represented the reason "why" a divorce had occurred. It takes all the reponsibility off the the cheater.

This may have nothing to do with your situation - just throwing it out there for you to consider.

[Tatyana2009]

Why do you blame yourself?

He is a grown man, who decided to have an affair with you and leave his wife for you and get divorced. Now he has what he wanted but does not want it anymore. Please do not blame yourself.

I dont know him - but it looks like there is a pattern there - like a child who has a cherished toy but the toy but he is not really attached to it so he finds another toy and so on. He may have attachment issues and please do not beat yourself up.

[Tatyana2009]

p.s. why should you move out and not him?

[lexie86]

Before i say anymore how long how long have you been giving him space for etc, have you had any communication at all and how recently etc. Does he speak with his ex wie still?