[parsifal]

Hiya,

I'm wondering if there are clear signs that I'm ready to be friends with my ex? I ask because I miss my ex, but I don't feel like I want to get her back as my partner; I feel like I just miss having her around. But I want to be very careful, obviously: I don't want to prolong any grief I might still have, and I don't want to upset her or myself and make being friends difficult in any way.

Thanks

[LMo]

My personal opinion, knowing what you've shared about your story?

All signs scream NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Give it at least a year before you even consider this.

[dottie]

Hi. May I ask how long you have been divorced? In what ways have you moved totally ON with your own life...being on your own? Living life on your own terms?

[parsifal]

Wow, a YEAR? That's a really long time. I was thinking more like a month or two. Can you elaborate at all? Feel free to PM me.

[parsifal]

Oh well we went out for a year or so, and we got progressively distant in some ways, though the actual "friendship" part of the relationship was open and frequently visited. But in like early December, she thought we were broken up but we weren't, and then she want away for three weeks and I didn't really hear from her and it was really hard for me, and then when she got back, we broke up. That was.. a week ago

I'm asking these questions to protect myself, and also because I do genuinely feel like I want to be friends with her eventually.

[LMo]

Hi Parsifal - I'm rushing to get ready to go on a short vacation, but will definitely spend more time with you about this when I get back on Tuesday, I promise!

[parsifal]

lol okay thanks LMo I appreciate your care! Have a good vacation!!

[LMo]

Hi Parisfal - sorry to take so long to get back to you and thanks for the reminder!

How are you feeling these days? Any better? Any new developments?

Ok, well the reason I say I'd wait a year is because she hurt you very badly. I am guessing that if you're anything like me, you probably have a number of conflicting emotions running around in your head. When my ex-huband announced that he wanted a divorce (which was a big surprise to me), part of me felt panicky and wanting to cling to him, but the other part of me knew that the more distance I gave him, the more likely we could eventually salvage at least a friendship out of it. The main problem with him was that he felt horribly guilty about breaking up with me, especially as he has a hard time with confrontation in any form. Your ex sounds very simliar to that, from what you've written. I still loved him - how could I possibly have been "friends" with him and go from being intimate life partners to just chatting about the weather? My opinion: a relationship can't revert so quickly. Do you REALLY think you could spend time with her without fighting the urge to rehash what did/didn't happen, or ask her if she questions her decision, or to confess that you still want to try to make it work? Even if you succeed in keeping your mouth shut about those things, her guilt will make her hypersensitive to mere suggestions of such things, and your body language and facial expressions would likely give away more than you realize. My ex couldn't deal with being reminded of the guilt he felt, and every time he saw me, invariably he would build up even more resentment that I was "making" him feel guilty -- even though I kept most conversations to thinkgs like the weather. And plus, it was torture for me to do that. How could I really be a friend to someone who had hurt me so badly?

A year from now, your hurt, her guilt, and both of your resentments will have subsided substantially. Right now, I believe that everything is too raw, from what you have written. If she initiates a friendship, I would be a little suspicious of it, because it would seem selfish considering that she knows how much she hurt you by breaking up with you.

But keep in mind that my reply is based on just a few posts that you have written about her. I know that there are a lot of facts about your relationship that I don't know, so let's make this the beginning of a discussion, rather than having my advice be considered my final word on the subject, ok?

[Lexicon78]

I'd say it's definitely too soon at this point. I would also suggest giving yourself 1-2 years before trying to be this woman's friend. As upset as you were before it would concern me if you were seeing this woman as it could really mess with your head. It may not be an intentional thing but the mind has a habit of playing these tricks on us where we think we'd be ok but when it comes down to it we are really not.

I was with this woman for a little over a year and thought I could be friends with her. Boy was I wrong! I was so jealous and wanted things to go back to the way the used to be...although the friendship was there I often found myself wanting more when I had previously thought I would be fine being just friends.

I just don't want you to get hurt.

[parsifal]

Thanks, you guys :-)

LMo,
It makes me happy to hear you talk about it like a discussion. Thank you so much. I'll think about it some more and reply :-) Your words (and yours, Lexicon) make sense. I feel like one reason I want to be friends with her, though, is that I want to tell her not to feel guilty. And I feel like just not saying at least *something* to her would feel to her like I realized what a jerk she is, and that I'm cutting loose. I know she has issues with all this, and maybe it'd help to just say in an email, "hey, this might take a year"? I'm angry, yes, and I still have mixed feelings, and from time to time I find myself telling her how angry I am in my head, but I don't want her to hate herself. But hey, maybe she would be better off doing this alone? And maybe my feelings are clouded. Shrug.

[LMo]

I think she would be better off dealing with her guilt alone, truthfully. You can help that by being friendly if she tries to contact you, but anything beyond that would be overeager. I don't think it's your job right now to make HER feel better. If anything, you trying too hard will probably make her feel worse.

The world is small. She'll hear it from her friends if you are out being social and are handling things well.