[Kayle]

My family is constantly telling me that my boyfriend is mentally abusing me by the things he does such as wakes me up when I am sleeping and thinks it is funny. Or makes excuses for not helping with simple tasks around the house.

They also being my family tells me that my boyfriend will never marry me, and if we do get married he will leave me after we have kids. And if we have kids he will neglect them and treat them they way he treats our cats. (favoritism to one and ignore the other)

Every boyfriend I have had they always have told me I was being abused mentally. Do you think that they are the mental abusers and not my boyfriends. Is this possible?

Lately, I have been feeling that my family is the reason I am seeing a therapist. Just listening to how negative they are in regards to my relationship, no wonder I seem to make problems that aren't even there.

[JustBen]

If your boyfriend is waking you up in the middle of the night because he thinks its funny, he's a major jerk. Whether or not what he's doing qualifies as mental abuse, it's crappy for him to do it and you deserve better. If I were a member of your family, I wouldn't be a fan of his either. That doesn't mean that your family might not be mentally abusing you as well. This is all good stuff to bring up with your therapist I think.

[kimmydawn]

Kayle,

I think that your boyfriend sounds EXTREMELY immature to think that is funny. He sounds like someone who needs your constant attn., and is jealous of even your sleep taking his time away.

Have you talked with t about your family? If so, what does t say about that?

gl and let us know!

KD

[LMo]

Well, in my (mind you, non-professional) opinion, whether behavior is 'abuse' has everything to do with the intention behind it. If your parents are putting down your decisions because they are sincerely worried about you, that would be very different than them trying to chip away at your self-confidence because of their own insecurities about letting go of parental control over you. As to your boyfriend... I'm guessing that he has some redeeming qualities, but all you've mentioned so far are things that would make me NOT want to marry him. Especially about the cats... But whether he is abusive... it depends - do you get angry or upset with him when he wakes you up, or do you laugh with him? If he keeps doing stuff like that despite you asking him not to, then it it's disrespectful at the least and abuse at the worst. But it would take more than just that for ME to suspect abuse. Does he insult or humiliate you?

He doesn't sound like a very respectful guy, at any rate, though.

I can relate to your confusion about your parents, I want to say. My dad has objected to every single guy I've ever dated. Yeah, when I was 12-15, the boyfriends I had were jerks, but I'm 36 now, and I dated some really great guys before I got married. No, they weren't perfect, but they were good to me and I would be thrilled if most of them wanted to date my best friend or future daughter (which is my litmus for whether my dad was 'right' or not). At some point, I learned to trust my own judgement above my dad's, although I do try to take his opinion into consideration.

[funnygirl]

Hi Kayle

You are very wise indeed to take note of these warning signs! What starts out as teasing by an immature boyfriend can result in cruelty and abuse, which is what this sounds like. He is using you as a toy, something to play with like a cat with a ball of wool. Believe me, once you are married, it will only get worse. Some men are like this.

I had a bf like yours. At first I would laugh along with his japes, which included startling me so much I nearly jumped out of my skin, waking me up, constantly imitating my voice when I was being serious, etc, but, after a while it became too much; however, he still maintained it was "only a bit of fun". Maybe it was to him, not to me.

Plus your bf doesn't help with tasks around the house and also favours one of the cats and ignores the other one. This does not augur well for a happy married life for you and any children with this person.

You are mature enough (much more than your bf) to see this scenario as a projection of any future you may have together.

I think your parents can see all this and are simply worried about what will happen if you settle down with him. I'd be worried too if you were my daughter.

There are plenty more fish in the sea!

Do take care and make good choices, all best wishes, FG

[Kayle]

He really only wakes me up when I am asleep in the living room. But anyhow I do get mad sometimes depending on what stage of sleep I am in. When I get mad he thinks it is funny.

As far as marriage and kids. He has admitted to wanting both in the next couple of years but for some reason my family is insisting that he will divorce me or ignore the kids. I do not understand why they feel this way but talking to them (family) on makes more negative feelings come about.

He does not ever humilate or insult me. In fact when we are around his friends or in public he is sweet and more affectionate than when we are just sitting at home doing nothing.

[Kayle]

I know he is very immature. I have talked to my family about things that go on around the house and they are very negative about him. In fact the one comment they make a lot is about his job. Because he will not look for a better job, they tell me I need to find someone who has a future and money.

His job is in customer service. For as much as a crappy job it is, he only makes a couple of thousand less than me a year. He splits half the bills for the house and is able to cover them with no problems. So I do not know what the big deal is.

[JustBen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kayle said:
He really only wakes me up when I am asleep in the living room. But anyhow I do get mad sometimes depending on what stage of sleep I am in. When I get mad he thinks it is funny.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I can't really agree or disagree with your family. I don't know what they've observed of this guy. Based on what you've just said, though, I'm going to reinforce my earlier opinion that he's acting like a jerk.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He does not ever humilate or insult me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

In my opinion, doing something that he knows will upset you just for a laugh is both humiliating and insulting.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
In fact when we are around his friends or in public he is sweet and more affectionate than when we are just sitting at home doing nothing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That would be a problem for me as well. It's like he's concerned with putting a good face on things when he's out in public, but when you're alone together, he's not as concerned with being sweet or affectionate. If you're thinking about marrying this guy, consider the fact that you'll spend many, many years alone with him--that's the behavior that's got to count.

I hate to sound so negative. I just hope you'll have an honest coversation with him about all this before you make any commitments.

[jennie]

What are the signs of abuse?

Does your loved one:
<ul type="square">[*]ignore your feelings?[*] disrespect you?[*] ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?[*] ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?[*] withhold approval, appreciation or affection?[*] give you the silent treatment?[*] walk away without answering you?[*]criticize you, call you names, yell at you?[*] humiliate you privately or in public?[*] roll his or her eyes when you talk?[*] give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?[*] make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?[*] seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?[*] tell you you are too sensitive?[*] hurt you especially when you are down?[*] seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?[*]have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?[*] present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?[*] "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?[*]try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?[*]complain about how badly you treat him or her?[*] threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?[*]say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?[*] ever left you stranded?[*] ever threaten to hurt you or your family?[*] ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?[*] seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?[*]abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?[*]compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?[*]promise to never do something hurtful again?[*] harass you about imagined affairs?[*]manipulate you with lies and contradictions?[*]destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?[*]drive like a road-rage junkie?[*]act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?[*] question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?[*] interrupt you; hear but not really listen?[*] make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?[*]use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?[*] incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?[*] try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"[*] frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?[*]treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?[/list]
<font color="red">
Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
<ul type="square">[*] You express your opinions less and less freely.[*] You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.[*]You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.[*] You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.[*]You feel emotionally unsafe.[*] You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.[*] You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.[*] You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.[*] You doubt your own judgment.[*] You doubt your abilities.[*] You feel vulnerable and insecure.[*] You are becoming increasingly depressed.[*]You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.[*] You have been or are afraid of your partner.[*]Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.[/list]</font>

excerpt from http://drirene.com/verbal1.htm

[Maven]

Thanks for posting that, jennie. I have to wonder, though, how many people in a relationship don't find something in that list that applies to them? I found several. I'm stuck in my situation, though.

Kayle, I have to tell you, I do think your boyfriend sounds abusive and immature. Your family may be too involved in your relationships and maybe your life, or they may be involved just enough. I do think they care about you. You said they've said these things about every boyfriend you've had. It's possible that you have a pattern of finding abusive men. Many women tend to seek out the same type of man each time, so perhaps you should talk to a therapist to try to find out what you want in a man, vs. what you're finding.

[LMo]

I can honestly say that I don't find anything in that list that applies to my relationship with my husband. Our relationship is far from perfect, but he does none of the things on that list, thank the stars...

[Lexicon78]

My relationship has a lot of the symptoms of abuse....

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I used to have all those symptoms, however not in that relationship anymore....But yup those are all the signs...

[(JD)]

Good posting here on this thread. Abuse is catorized into 4 areas: emotional, physical, sexual, and neglect.

I don't know what his problem is with this, but if you can't sit down and discuss it (why are you sleeping on the couch?) then either go to counseling together or call it quits while you haven't invested much time. It doesn't get better by itself, imo.

TC