[asdtodv87]

i am 24 years old and my boyfriend is 26. We went to middle school and High school together and never once got together despite me having a crush on him . First off i was with his friend on and off for 3 years, our relationship was very dramatic and i eventually broke it off for good because i knew it wasnt right for either of us. about 5 months later my boyfriend( right now) and i saw each other randomly and hooked up. From then on we started seeing each other but kept it a secret from everyone from October till February in hopes of not hurting my ex. This created a problem between him and i because i eventually started to get wierded out and started thinking why are we hiding this relationship still if we both want to be with eachother? For that reason our relationship moved very slowly.
I always had this feeling in my gut that there was somthing wrong but i guess i didnt want to beleive it. I really wanted to have a trusting honest relationship with him because my past relationships were both very jealous and i didnt at all want that. There were a couple incidences that rose my suspicion but i for some reason never got my questions answered so i just brushed it off my shoulder. His ex was always in the back of my mind for some wierd reason. they were together for 5 years and i heard things and saw things that made me get insecure but i didnt have any concrete evidence. I should have trusted my instincts. He always had his phone on him and always had to be in my presence if i were to use his computer. I never checked his phone or computer but one night while he was in the shower i felt like i was going to find somthing. I quickly scrolled down his calls, nothing. Then i went to the texts scrolled down and came to this number not saved saying " beleive me im hurting more than you"... i saved that number in my phone and when he got out to go make dinner i called the number. I knew who it was going to be. His ex! at that point i grabbd all my things said a couple choice words and left.i texted her and she told me everything and even sent me emails. He was telling her he would leave me for her and he wanted to marry her. The worst part is i was moving in with him two weeks later. I had lost my job and my lease was up so we were going to take that step but thank god i found that out because who knows how long that would have gone on for. I moved to Denver two weeks ago to get away from it all. He wouldn't leave me a lone and kept saying how he loves me and wants to be with me only and blah blah blah. Since i got here we have been talking every day. I sound pathetic but i do still want to be with him. Hes saying that he will move here and is basically doing everything in his power to make me know that hes being truthful when he says he only wants me. I guess i just dont know what to do. i always was that type of person that would never be with someone who cheats. i think that is the worst thing to do to anyone and he did this the entire time we were with each other. I don't know what to do. I either need to cut all ties or forgive him and just take the risk long distance. I just really dont know if i can trust him again. Hes a great talker and i love him still after what he did to me. i have no one to talk to here and my family and friends wouldnt understand why i would even give him the time of day. I feel like im stuck in the same rut as i was in san diego and somthing needs to change.

[Yoda]

You may still have feelings for him but he does not sound trustworthy. Move on and find someone who will treat you better. Yes it hurts and you miss but you will get over that part.

[Harvestdream]

Agree with Yoda ^^ You're young, and he sounds like he really knows how to play people. Be thankful you found out now, and not after you'd moved in together. Are you sure you're really missing him, and not just the routine and "security" of the relationship?

What a really crappy situation, sorry you had to go through that (((huge hugs)))

[lad007]

Well the part that would bother me is that he said he wanted to marry her. If he really wanted you, he wouldn't say that to another woman. He can be as sorry as he wants, but he's the one that said that. Sorry you were treated like this. I know you are lonely, but try to find some interests to keep your mind off this guy, and don't take his calls. If you do you'll get sucked in again.

[Irreplaceable]

I'm gonna give it to you real blunt and raw....And what you decide to do from here on out as far as you two's relationship is up to you...

You would be an absolute FOOL to take this guy back...Point.Blank.Period. Girl, you are waaaaay better than me...I woulda handa dude's balls to him...One thing I cannot stand, is a liar and a cheater....Dude is a player....Plain and simple...He is stringing the both of you along and you're both going along with it....If you ask me, he doesn't sound like much of a prize....

First thing you did wrong, you ignored all the red flags because you wanted to be with him so bad....Bad move...Two, you are still talking to this guy AFTER what you found out? Oh, ok...Sooooooo, you're gonna lie to me the whole relationship, have me making plans on moving in with you, and all the while, you are still talking to your ex? Really? And you already know that 9 times outta ten, they been sleeping together...

I cannot understand this for the life of me....Why women are so confused about what it is that they want to do after dude done cheated...And most importantly, disrespected you...And not just cheated once, BUT MULTIPLE TIMES...Your whole relationship was built on a lie...He was doggin you OUT to his ex...I get it...You care about him. But you must care about him more than you do yourself...If ya'll was married or have kids, I could see how it would be harder to walk away...But after a year?

Like I said, do what you want...But you are doing nothing but asking for trouble and to be sh*tted on by him...Once again...You're thinking about giving this dude another chance? I wouldn't even entertain him with answering his calls...He wants you because he think he can do it again...I woulda ripped dudes balls off and handed it to him...That was foul what he did....

[Perna]

I would not do so much talking with him now that you have moved; if he really wants you, he can move like he offered? He can literally show you he wants to be with you by being with you, not just calling/texting and trying to string you along.

I think a relationship that is not "formal" (i.e., engagement or marriage) is much harder to have hard-and-fast rules about; you were the one I believe who wanted to keep the relationship "secret" for your ex's benefit? Obviously he was doing some ex's fence mending on his own, trying to let her down gradually, and/or figure out what he wanted. All that happens when there are no formal ties; it's fine to say one is "committed" but one really isn't until one lives with, has children with, becomes engaged, marries, etc.; anything else is more just "going steady", getting to know the other person, dating.

Wanting to be with someone is not the same as saying to that person, "I am going to date you exclusively." We all have multiple friends and have friends of the opposite sex, ex's, etc. but if an ex is not ex, then they are current. Communicating with an ex when you are in another self-avowed, committed relationship should be done only with the ex! I know everything my husband says/thinks about his ex-wife, and, since she and I are "friends" I tell him all I am saying/doing with/thinking about her too.

There should be no drama about ex's; they are either ex or they are not! That doesn't mean one cannot talk to them but I think one shares/is transparent with a current love all contact with a previous love! The two of you had no trouble deciding to be secret together and that's pretty much how it should be about most subjects, especially ex's.

Think of what you want for you; you moved for your own reasons, think of your ex in line with those thoughts -- let him come be with you rather than thinking in terms of you wanting to be with him? Allow him to make a grown up decision for himself and act on it.

I have discovered for myself that if I quit with the assumptions about others based on what I want (you want to be with him so assume, since you are "there" that he wants to be with you) and let others act independently (be with me) that it makes it easier to understand my relationships. You have moved on to another location; let him get a job in your location and a place to live for himself, get his life doing what he wants it to do near you because he wants to be near you! Even sharing a place at this point would be premature; you would probably assume that because he was in your place that he wanted to be there and that might/might not be true as he could also be using you, you wouldn't know. Another person who doesn't appear to run their own life very well, setting goals for themselves and going after them and sharing them with loved ones, etc. is probably not going to be the best partner for your own life? Even if they claim to only be living with you while they find a place/job that does not show very good planning or organization skills that you may want/need in a committed relationship later?

[asdtodv87]

Originally Posted by Harvestdream

Agree with Yoda ^^ You're young, and he sounds like he really knows how to play people. Be thankful you found out now, and not after you'd moved in together. Are you sure you're really missing him, and not just the routine and "security" of the relationship?

What a really crappy situation, sorry you had to go through that (((huge hugs)))

Im not sure at this point if im just missing the security of a relationship. I just feel like i was doing things differently in this one . It sucks because i felt like this was the most healthy relationship i had ever been in but in all reality it was the most dishonest one i have ever been in. I think within time ill start to see things much clearer by not being around him, hopefully!

[asdtodv87]

Originally Posted by lad007

Well the part that would bother me is that he said he wanted to marry her. If he really wanted you, he wouldn't say that to another woman. He can be as sorry as he wants, but he's the one that said that. Sorry you were treated like this. I know you are lonely, but try to find some interests to keep your mind off this guy, and don't take his calls. If you do you'll get sucked in again.

Your right... thanks for the response... the bad thing is he already has sucked me in.. ive tried many times to not pick up but its so hard when someone is calling you 10 times in a row and sending texts all day. i think the only way would be to change my number , but then i feel like why should i have to change my number when he created this? its just a rediculous situation

[autumnevening]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I have been through something similar, and found that the only way I could heal and get my life back to normal was to cut off all communication with my cheating ex. This included blocking numerous email addresses, blocking facebook accounts, and eventually changing my phone number. It isn't fair that you should have to make all these sacrifices when he's the one who messed up, but making them could save you a whole lot of greif! (Believe me!). I wish you all the best during this hard time! *hugs*

[RomanSunburn]

Is there a way you could call your phone company and ask them to block that number from your phone? Is that even possible...?

I'm sorry you're going through this; it's definitely a horrible situation. Just try to remember that he lied, either to you or to his ex, but either way that makes him a liar, and you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and honesty. Good luck!

[babydoll233]

Please listen... stay far away from this guy, the same thing happened to me and I got really hurt. I did not move but i changed my number and he still found out my number. He cheated on you and put your needs in the trash, he is not for you, you are so much better off without him, he is a liar and he is good at it. Cut your losses and live your new life in you new place, there is someone out there for you, I found my husband 6 years ago and have never been happier. Good luck and stay strong!!!!

[kaliope]

You say "I always was that type of person that would never be with someone who cheats."

You have already been seriously violated by him.

When you consider staying with him, think about how much you will be violating yourself.