[fonseca1]

First off a little background: My boyfreind and I have been together for nearly three years. He cheated on me with his ex girlfreind in the beginning, so we broke up for a year and a half, then tried again to see if it would work this time. He has not cheated on me since his ex, but he has lied to me about other things that make me wonder if he's really trustworthy or if i'm just fooling myself.
One big thing for me: I do not approve of porn in my relationships. I have tried allowing it in previous relationships, and all it has ever done was make me feel like a sex object to my man and extremely insecure about myself. My boyfriend knew this from the beginning, and I have caught him looking at porn multiple times, even after he swore he wasn't doing it anymore. Based on this, I dont know if I can believe him when he says he hasn't looked at anything like that.
Another thing: When my bf and i got back together after that year and a half, I found out he was flirting with other girls behind my back, online. It stopped after a couple of weeks into our relationship, but my insecurities haven't gone away. I'm always afraid he might still be finding something or someone else to 'enjoy,' for lack of a better word.
Now I haven't caught him with porn in nearly four months and I haven't found out about any flirtatious stuff with other girls in a long time, but this doesn't rid me of my insecurities. No matter what I do, I'm always afraid that he's doing something behind my back. I'm always afraid that I will never be good enough for him. He says he's stopped with the porn and stopped flirting with girls because he loves me and only me and wants to make things work with us, but how can I know for sure he's being honest? After all of the times he lied to me, I dont know if I can believe him anymore. I want to, but I'm so afraid that once again, i'll find out something else....
I cant help my insecurities, so what should I do? Should I find a way to work through them or am I beating a dead horse in thinking this relationship could actually work someday?

[Leed]

Since he cheated on your early on, and kept doing things that hurt you, it seems to me that he doesn't care alot what bothers you and what doesn't. I can understand why you don't trust him.

But please, don't measure your self-worth by the things that HE does. If he's making you feel "less-than" or not worthy, why stay in the relationship?

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that has NO trust. If my man didn't make me feel like I was #1 in his life, and if I had to "spy" on him to make sure he was being good, I'd get out of the relationship. Love without trust really isn't "love."

I wish you the very best. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

Trying to control someone else's behavior cannot work for you. You have to be secure in yourself, first, before you can trust another. If you make the relationship about how good a "gate keeper" you are, who the other person is talking to, what they're watching, thinking, how they're acting, you have no control and will always feel insecure.

[Irreplaceable]

1) Men are visual...I won't get into the debate of whether or not he should or shouldn't look at porn, but I think it's unrealistic to think that he will never look...He's human...He will look....I'm a woman...And I will tell you this....I am very faithful to my bf....However, I am not blind...I will comment on an handsome man/someone I find attractive...It's not done out of disrespect...I may be involved with someone, but I ain't blind...I will look from time to time...But that's far as it will go....I've gone to male reviews (which is a form of porn/adult entertainment, someone correct me if i'm wrong)....Again, I'm in a relationship, but I ain't blind...As long as you keep things respectful, there should be no problem...

2) Whether or not he is still flirting with girls online, it's possible he is, and it's possible he isn't....From his responses, he knows that you are insecure...If he is still flirting, of course he is going to lie...Because he knows you are insecure, he will most definetly tell you what you want to hear, because he doesn't want you to be hurt...And because he knows it is wrong...If you would have not caught him flirting, I really question whether or not he would "stop" his behavior...

3) By you forgiving him, you can't keep holding things over his head....Do I think you have a right to be suspicious? Yes....Because of the things he has done in his past...I think that if he hasn't given you a reason to be suspicious since you forgave him, it's not really fair if you question him or by playing Columbo...

4) You only know what he tells you....

5) You have to either
A) Trust that he is telling the truth and move on in your relationship...
B) Play spy by checking on him...Cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, whatever....Hey, I'm not condoning it, but I've done it in the past so I can't judge...Just prepare yourself for the worst
C) End the relationship if you can't deal with always questioning what he is doing....

Now as far as the porn thing, I understand your frustration....Think of why he is doing it...If you feel comfortable, why not offer to watch porn with him? The only way that I think a man would be disrespectful with porn is if he is addicted to it and if he chooses porn over me...And also, if he is constantly trying to make me be the women that he is viewing....Anything outside of that, I would say is "normal" for a guy to do....

[emptybee15]

I had to leave my cheating ex the day I found out. I'm insecure from the start, so, if you do something THAT horrible, my trust is completely gone and I'll no longer believe anything you say from that day forward.

Once a cheater, always a cheater usally deems true. So, stop making yourself insane trying to wonder and figure things out...if he can't make you feel secure after he messed it up, leave him alone.

Best Wishes!

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by emptybee15

I had to leave my cheating ex the day I found out. I'm insecure from the start, so, if you do something THAT horrible, my trust is completely gone and I'll no longer believe anything you say from that day forward.

Once a cheater, always a cheater usally deems true. So, stop making yourself insane trying to wonder and figure things out...if he can't make you feel secure after he messed it up, leave him alone.

Best Wishes!

She said he hasn't cheated....I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater....People can change....However, if someone told me that they have cheated in the past, I would look at them side ways...Because it is true that history repeats itself...I wouldn't automatically think that they would cheat on me, but I wouldn't be a fool...I wouldn't think that I'm exempt from being cheated on, but I would try to give the person the benefit of the doubt....While being cautious while dealing with them....I have to judge your actions while you are with me....

Edit: And I agree....If I find out you have cheated, the relationship is done...Because I will never be able to trust you...I already have some insecurity issues....

[emptybee15]

No, she said he cheated at the beginning, but hasn't SINCE. It's in the first sentence. Hello!

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by emptybee15

No, she said he cheated at the beginning, but hasn't SINCE. It's in the first sentence. Hello!

Ouch...My bad...

My original comments still stands as is....

To the poster, it all comes down to what you can and can't accept....If you're going to stay in the relationship, you two need to talk...

[fonseca1]

Originally Posted by Irreplaceable

1) Men are visual...I won't get into the debate of whether or not he should or shouldn't look at porn, but I think it's unrealistic to think that he will never look...He's human...He will look....I'm a woman...And I will tell you this....I am very faithful to my bf....However, I am not blind...I will comment on an handsome man/someone I find attractive...It's not done out of disrespect...I may be involved with someone, but I ain't blind...I will look from time to time...But that's far as it will go....I've gone to male reviews (which is a form of porn/adult entertainment, someone correct me if i'm wrong)....Again, I'm in a relationship, but I ain't blind...As long as you keep things respectful, there should be no problem...

2) Whether or not he is still flirting with girls online, it's possible he is, and it's possible he isn't....From his responses, he knows that you are insecure...If he is still flirting, of course he is going to lie...Because he knows you are insecure, he will most definetly tell you what you want to hear, because he doesn't want you to be hurt...And because he knows it is wrong...If you would have not caught him flirting, I really question whether or not he would "stop" his behavior...

3) By you forgiving him, you can't keep holding things over his head....Do I think you have a right to be suspicious? Yes....Because of the things he has done in his past...I think that if he hasn't given you a reason to be suspicious since you forgave him, it's not really fair if you question him or by playing Columbo...

4) You only know what he tells you....

5) You have to either
A) Trust that he is telling the truth and move on in your relationship...
B) Play spy by checking on him...Cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, whatever....Hey, I'm not condoning it, but I've done it in the past so I can't judge...Just prepare yourself for the worst
C) End the relationship if you can't deal with always questioning what he is doing....

Now as far as the porn thing, I understand your frustration....Think of why he is doing it...If you feel comfortable, why not offer to watch porn with him? The only way that I think a man would be disrespectful with porn is if he is addicted to it and if he chooses porn over me...And also, if he is constantly trying to make me be the women that he is viewing....Anything outside of that, I would say is "normal" for a guy to do....

In regards to the porn thing: I have offered to watch it with him and he told me that he doesn't agree with that. He believes watching porn is meant to be by yourself. Honestly, the porn thing is the biggest situation to me. I believe he is not flirting with other girls anymore and I believe he is not out cheating on me. I just don't know what to do about the porn. We're supposed to talk about it tonight, and I hope that by doing so, we'll be able to get to an understanding of some sort. It's just really hard to accept porn in my relationship when I have such insecurity issues.

[LylaJean]

In regards to porn, here's where I stand:

My husband looked at porn once since we have been together, and said he felt like he was cheating on me. So, for him, it's wrong. I know that if he looks at porn, something is wrong in our relationship, because it's a boundary for him.

I'm thankful that he feels that way, because in a previous relationship porn was a big issue. I was in a relationship for four years (we dated through high school and some college, so we were young) and he looked at porn often. I was insecure and immature and it hurt my feelings but I wasn't about to say anything. That was, until it started really effecting our sex life. He wasn't as interested in sex because he had just been watching porn an hour earlier, and he was no longer available for me sexually. We tried watching it together but it was just too much for me, I'm not at all that type of person. Anyways, we decided together (meaning I won the battle) that he would stop. Now, it wasn't his decision so much as he was just trying to please me, so as soon as I wasn't looking he was back at it, just now he had to keep it a secret. He was a volunteer firefighter, and one night when he left for a gas leak he asked me to get on his computer and google map the location, and boom. Porn. I spent the next hour looking at his history and realizing just how much he had been hiding from me, and it caused a huge fight.

If he is chosing porn over you, big issue. If he's lying about it, big issue. But if it's just something that he does once in a while, he's open with you about it, and it doesn't change your sex life, well, then maybe that's an insecurity problem on your part that you'll need to work on if you want to make the relationship healthy.

Best of luck. We're here for ya.