[tohelpafriend]

This is a subject we addressed in T, also it has surfaced during this time: "How to break free" of harmful, or "schema" patterns in familial relationships as adults, especially adults in T, working to move forward.

If anyone out there did T with, or studied schema therapy, you know there are set patterns of behavior we may revert to or repeat on and on and on which were "grooved" into our minds (now some are sub conscious), about our identities in relationship to the responses we got or didn't get from parents, sibs, ex marriages, but mostly it all harks back to our personality shaping in family when we were young. Well, now I'm faced with NOT WANTING TO TURN BACK, GO BACK, OR EVEN THINK BACK, to interracting with family members still living, who have held me back either because of their insecurities or because they needed me for some purpose.

I feel like the bottom is dropping out. I don't want to see any of them anymore, for my mental health and forward propulsion, except my grown children, who are "my own", now "their own" persons. Even letting go of that is hard. I feel like I've gone through an enormous storm of reflection and letting go; sitting at the gate in some futuristic airport, and I cannot go back.

This includes "going back" to a place in time, a city in a place, where a big betrayal occurred from one sister. She will not confont it, will not speak of it, as though nothing happened. Yes, I forgive, but I want my own future. Since my parents died, the glue holding us together as relational is "gone." Basically I'm asking if anyone has "left" family for better times and pastures, to become themselves, and said goodbye with peace. I have my boarding pass, waiting for my flight to non-stop future, which, in reality is one day at a time building a new life, working with a new psych doc, exploring career options. Does this all sound childish? Rejecting? I suppose for those in happy marriages or bonded relationships it's different -- their love for one another is the all-important connection.

No more betrayal bonds....no connections with anyone who has emotionally abused me; is it too radical thinking? Will I over-isolate? Am I antisocial toward them? My childhood is intact; it's my adulthood now I'm protecting from their harm. I guess one could call that neutrality. Help!!! Any positive comments would be welcomed.

[objtrbit]

Hey there;

Yeah it really sucks sometimes when family and friends become detrimental to us in our lives; I had to filter out people in my life that fit that description.

It never has to be forever, I find..if at any point I want to reach any of these people, I can try and contact them again, so I have that comfort since I struggle with anything that is truly written in stone;

Your sister must have hurt you really deep-I hate the whole acting like nothing ever happened thing too..it depends on what you're willing to tolerate. Its this hope that somehow one day the person will change, or validate, that makes me want to keep some hope of the relationship alive, personally. If you are trying to take care of yourself though, you can end up feeling selfish and have guilt-but I have found that one I stopped "connecting" with them, I really was able to live in a free-er feeling state.

There's no clear cut answer to these kinds of things-but in my opinion i hope you keep talking about it.... you'll find an answer that you can be the most happy with-you know, what benefits you the most;

take care,
-obj

[shezbut]

(((tohelpafriend)))

I have estranged myself from my family for similar reasons. I could have sworn that no one could possibly understand the way that I feel inside towards almost everyone in my family. Seriously!

For years, I haven't had any interest in my family. I've been drifting for years, emotionally and physically (avoiding all contact with them). I have 2 young girls of my own, and I don't want them to suffer because I can't handle my family. My ex-hub continues to go to my family's house, so the girls do continue to have regular contact with their grandparents and an elder uncle. I, however, avoid all contact with family.

I do question myself, wondering if my reasons for avoiding are good enough. My re-enforcer is that I'm not a BS'er. I don't believe in acting cool, while I feel angry or sickened by another person. The stuff happened years ago to me, but until I accept it I cannot accept those that played a big part in the abuse occurring to me. My parents may not have SA'd me, but they didn't take healthy precautions to protect me. They raised me in a very sick extended family, which had a huge impact on my upbringing.

Does that help you feel any better about the thoughts that you're having? Have you talked with a T about your idea? My T supports my decision. He encourages me not to isolate myself, but also try to respect my own thoughts and emotions in life.

[Koko2]

Family are the Company you can't quit, kind of like the mafia.

[tohelpafriend]

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((tohelpafriend)))

Does that help you feel any better about the thoughts that you're having? Have you talked with a T about your idea? My T supports my decision. He encourages me not to isolate myself, but also try to respect my own thoughts and emotions in life.

.

Hi,
I appreciated reading your reply very much. My T seemed to just string me along; I'm getting a new one. I liked what you wrote that your T encourages you to respect your own thoughts and emotions. I'm sorry for what you went through. In my case, it was a long time ago, too, but really all 4 siblings have been emotionally and verbally abusive. I reflected on one sister's personality yesterday; and think it's the old "manipulation and control" act. Some have to control because they are empty or not free inside, just my perspective. When they can honestly dialogue with me and accept my perspective as valid for me, then I might connect in the future. Thanks for reading my post. I wanted to add I'm learning to assert my own boundaries now. How wonderful you have two young children!!!

Taking care of ourselves should never bring guilt or accusations of selfishness...I'm learning to do just that.....we have to love ourselves. I think women especially are taught they just have to care for others...that's their role or nature....we've come a long, long, way. I'm learning to guilt=free care for myself and become a happier person for it.

I hope you find a good T; and taking the baby with you is a good idea. When my older girl was in nursery school, I did things for myself...lunch or a gallery, shopping; sometimes left the baby home with a sitter; but it isn't a good idea, in retrospect. Don't trust anyone with your children unless you get references. that's just said from experience.

all the best on your journey,

[blkchr91]

You have got to be kidding. I didn't choose my family, but I can unchoose them. I have been estranged for life by most of my family and that is a matter of fact. I have estranged myself from some folks in my family and that is also factual.

Originally Posted by Koko2

Family are the Company you can't quit, kind of like the mafia.

[Sloane]

B"H

dear tohelpafriend,

i understand how we have patterns of behavior that developed early on from our relationships with our family members. however, I think we have the personal responsibility to learn to understand the patterns, how they originated, and how to change the way we react even with people who still act within the defined patterns. for example, my father is highly critical of me which can easily lead to arguments as he is highly defensive as well. I have learned how to change how I react to his criticisms and create a situation where there is no room for an argument. in my situation, it is not about being right as it is about being calm and sane. for example, my father may say I am not properly dressed for an occasion. rather than argue with him, I pull the old "join and amplify routine" which requires me to agree with him and make his point even better. so, I respond by saying, "I agree with you completely. this was all I had in my closet that was even semi-suited for the occasion, so I was not left with any choice but to wear this. next time, I will make sure I am better prepared so I have something more suited to the occasion. thanks for pointing it out, and I could not agree with you more." while he was wrong in that the outfit was appropriate, I deflected the argument he was prepared for by agreeing with him and making his point even stronger. for me, it is not about being right, rather it is about maintaining civility. I just turn my head and laugh at him behind his back for being a rude jerk.

In addition, I think we need to learn to forgive others for their inability to grow and evolve out of those patterns. perhaps they are not capable of doing so. perhaps they like the ill-suited patterns. as long as we allow their use of the patterns to hurt us, we are being victimized by them. the way to take that power away from them is to forgive them for yourself. you do not need to forgive them to their faces as they are probably oblivious to the fact there is a problem. forgiveness of others who hurt us is the most powerful gift we can give ourselves.

as far as you feeling that your relationship with your sister is moot, for lack of a better word, since your parents have passed away, I could not disagree with you more. your siblings are all you have left of your parents. perhaps as you grow older you will feel that sense of being an orphan which is common when both parents have passed. only your siblings can help dissipate that sense as only you and them share the understanding of your parents. I lost my mother z"l many years ago. my father remarried two years thereafter. ever since he joined with his wife he has created a new family for himself and begun treating me as he does now. before, I was daddy's little girl. he has forgotten all my life except for that which has occurred since his new life began. I already feel that sense of being orphaned as he is no father to me worth having. thank goodness we live on opposite coasts. this sense of orphan-hood has led me to want to connect with my brother who has many limitations as well as personal challenges. I do my best to keep up with him as he and I are the only witnesses left to our family life growing up...the good, the bad, and the ugly. my brother has done some unspeakable things to me which were betrayals, but I forgive him as well as he is not capable of understanding or changing. he is just barely hanging on as it is in reality. I make it a point to look at these family members without judgment and with empathy. by doing so, I can better understand what makes them tick as they do. then, I go about having the best possible relationship I can have with them as they are part of my past that nobody else has witnessed. perHaps you can look at your siblings through this type of lense. granted there are people who are just too unhealthy to have in our lives, but, as siblings, I think ou guys need each other in the long run given what kind of shared history you have. if you try to see them with love and compassion and use the "join and amplify" technique to avoid discourse, then you may find the value in keeping them in your life. you just need to control your own patterns, so as to avoid the inevitable pitfalls they bring about.

I hope some of this made sense to you. it really works for ny relationship as a good way to approach life in general. ask your therapist what they think. I wish you well. please do not shut yourself off from your past as it may be something of a resource for you later on. family is the group of friends you are born into, friends are the group of people you choose to be your family. however, they are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

take care and be well.
sloane

[tohelpafriend]

Hi Sloane,

Thanks! You made excellent points, especially about forgiving without discourse; I've done that. Also, needing them as something as a resource in the future is true. This is just not the time to see them, at Christmas. I had to laugh at the situation with your Dad about your outfit because that happened to me... I was visiting them, didn't bring a posh outfit, so borrowed my mother's suit jacket and looked the part!! The part about seeing the patterns, controlling them as you say, and maintaining our right response to them is excellent; I'm just growing in that area.

That must have been difficult to adapt to a new family scenario and all that goes with that. I was spared that. I agree, our family history is part of our history, but only part.

I appreciate very much your taking the time to help me, and you really did. Hey, we're both in CT!!!! All the best on your journey. Peace, "help"

P.S. I like the 'join and amplify' part. I want to be a peacemaker; don't want any grudges to block that.