[seeker1950]

Okay, I feel like I'm wallowing in it right now.
Christmas for me is difficult. Daughter and twin grandsons are overseas, and so the other relatives seem to treat me like a "fifth wheel." I got expensive presents for everyone whom I visited over the holidays. I realize I probably over-do in this regard. Christmas Eve with my one and only sister and her family: I brought nice presents for my sis, her husband, the two daughters and their families.
When we were opening presents, my sister came into the room, plopped down two unwrapped boxes and said, "this is your present from last year."
Everyone laughed (lot of people there), and I did too, but it was hurtful to me. (I was sick with the flu the Christmas before.) I'm trying to dismiss this and move on. But it is a reminder of all the time we were growing up together. Sister had birthday parties and presents; I never did. Sister would exclude me from socializing with friends in our tiny coal camp house, slamming the door in my face. I really don't know what she was thinking! Must not "wallow," but move on.
Patty

[roads]

Gosh, no, I wouldn't wallow in what you describe. I'd steam.

I'm so sorry, seeker. You must be often very sad as well as hurt. I hope you can look forward to being with your daughter and grandsons again soon.

Take care. Your art must be amazing--you have much to pour into it.

[Ygrec23]

Hey, Patty! I hope you have the loveliest New Year's and a wonderful 2012! Sounds like you've been spending Christmas with the wrong people. There's that thing about Christmas, it's hard to get beyond passing it with your blood, in both senses of the word. Promise me, next Christmas you'll pick people who love you to spend it with. Ah, family! Some of them are special, but most of them are not. You have many, many friends around the world here on PC, whose thoughts and wishes are with you not only on Christmas and New Year's, but all the time. Take good care! Ygrec

[missbelle]

Next year......no sister.....maybe a cruise...helping at a homeless shelter...anything!!!! .......but the sister....!

[seeker1950]

Gosh! I really didn't expect any replies! You are all so sweet to send you positive thoughts my way! I've thought it would be good to plan a trip for Christmas. IF not to visit my daughter, then at least to a destination that would be uplifting, like the Florida Keys. As much money as I spent on relatives and friends (I didn't even tell you about that), I could afford it! You have all validated my feelings, though it is kind of sad. NO, I won't "wallow," as there is no point. Thanks again, friends.
Patty

[Perna]

Sometimes it is hard to match up our dreams of other people (expensive, nicely wrapped presents) and reality of them (two unwrapped boxes from last year :-) I have had similar instances with my stepsister and her large family who I only see Christmas every year. I keep inviting them out to my place during the summer (I live on the water, have a boat, etc.) and no one shows but they sound so sincere each year with the, "Yeah! That sounds great!"

[costello]

What missbelle said!

You're probably never going to get what you need from your sister, and she'll keep reopening old wounds.

P.S. Maybe she said that because she was embarrassed? That she hadn't gotten the gifts to you for the whole year? That she hadn't even wrapped them? That she hadn't gotten another gift for this year? Sounds like she probably should be embarrassed.

[Severijn]

Sisters can be quite cruel to each other... at least one sister to the other.

Some sisters (often I think) take their childhood/teen relationship with them into life forever. I think that's what your sister did. Kind of a immature prank.

Some family members never change. I doubt your sister will change or listen to you but it's worth a try. Better to find contentment and happiness with friends.

I know it might not be easy, but I would rather spend Christmas alone than with people who hurt me. In fact, that's what I've done since 2004: I've either spent Christmas (and every holiday) working, at a friend's house for dinner, or alone. More often alone than not.

I'm not pretending that it isn't the loneliest feeling in the world sometimes but it is preferable to being with people who only drag me down and make me feel badly about myself...you know? At least you can control what you do: Watch whatever you want, read, eat good food, go for a walk in the snow, eat ALL the chocolate, go for a drive to look at lights. Whatever.

Originally Posted by Perna

Sometimes it is hard to match up our dreams of other people (expensive, nicely wrapped presents) and reality of them (two unwrapped boxes from last year :-) I have had similar instances with my stepsister and her large family who I only see Christmas every year. I keep inviting them out to my place during the summer (I live on the water, have a boat, etc.) and no one shows but they sound so sincere each year with the, "Yeah! That sounds great!"

Oh my goodness, if someone invited me to such a place, I would be there like, every chance I could! And I would provide goodies to eat! Idk, I find this with people a LOT. I invite people for coffee and whatnot all the time and I hear, "Oh, that would be so fun!! We should totally do it." People are kind of lazy and stuck in their own comfort zones. I don't think it's totally personal in most cases; I just think people have, in general, lost the desire to reach out to each other. Sad, really, but true.

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by Severijn

Sisters can be quite cruel to each other... at least one sister to the other.

Some sisters (often I think) take their childhood/teen relationship with them into life forever. I think that's what your sister did. Kind of a immature prank.

Some family members never change. I doubt your sister will change or listen to you but it's worth a try. Better to find contentment and happiness with friends.

Yes, Severijn...you are probably right. Thank you for your feedback. I'm going to post another response to all who have given me their thoughts.
Patty

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Hey, Patty! I hope you have the loveliest New Year's and a wonderful 2012! Sounds like you've been spending Christmas with the wrong people. There's that thing about Christmas, it's hard to get beyond passing it with your blood, in both senses of the word. Promise me, next Christmas you'll pick people who love you to spend it with. Ah, family! Some of them are special, but most of them are not. You have many, many friends around the world here on PC, whose thoughts and wishes are with you not only on Christmas and New Year's, but all the time. Take good care! Ygrec

Dear Y...such a nice response to my predicament. Thank you. I'm going to post a general update, but wanted to thank you personally.
Patty

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

Gosh, no, I wouldn't wallow in what you describe. I'd steam.

I'm so sorry, seeker. You must be often very sad as well as hurt. I hope you can look forward to being with your daughter and grandsons again soon.

Take care. Your art must be amazing--you have much to pour into it.

Roadrunner, your response was so kind. I am going to post a general reply/update, but I wanted to thank you personally.
Patty

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by missbelle

Next year......no sister.....maybe a cruise...helping at a homeless shelter...anything!!!! .......but the sister....!

Ahh...Missbelle! You speak to the point and true for me.
Patty

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by Perna

Sometimes it is hard to match up our dreams of other people (expensive, nicely wrapped presents) and reality of them (two unwrapped boxes from last year :-) I have had similar instances with my stepsister and her large family who I only see Christmas every year. I keep inviting them out to my place during the summer (I live on the water, have a boat, etc.) and no one shows but they sound so sincere each year with the, "Yeah! That sounds great!"

Thank you , dear Perna. First of all, you are always so wise, and such a valued presence here on PC. I thought my little Christmas story would elicit responses like, "maybe you're imagining this!" Well...at least there is validation here, painful as it is to admit to myself.
Patty

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by costello

What missbelle said!

You're probably never going to get what you need from your sister, and she'll keep reopening old wounds.

P.S. Maybe she said that because she was embarrassed? That she hadn't gotten the gifts to you for the whole year? That she hadn't even wrapped them? That she hadn't gotten another gift for this year? Sounds like she probably should be embarrassed.

Actually, Costello, she wasn't a bit embarrassed. Each time I called her prior to Christmas get-together, she was at the mall, shopping, shopping, shopping. Her house was decorated to the 9's, big spread of food for the gathering, and her invitation to me was rather half-a$$ed. I went, because I really wanted to share the holiday, see her now twin grand-daughters (8 months old). I also have twin grandsons, and we have that in common now.

I just wanted to thank you personally for your insightful response.
Patty

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I know it might not be easy, but I would rather spend Christmas alone than with people who hurt me. In fact, that's what I've done since 2004: I've either spent Christmas (and every holiday) working, at a friend's house for dinner, or alone. More often alone than not.

I'm not pretending that it isn't the loneliest feeling in the world sometimes but it is preferable to being with people who only drag me down and make me feel badly about myself...you know? At least you can control what you do: Watch whatever you want, read, eat good food, go for a walk in the snow, eat ALL the chocolate, go for a drive to look at lights. Whatever.

Misskeena...that is so SO true. I had a close friend begging me to come to her house. I should have done that instead, but I felt "family" was more important. NOT in the future!
Thanks,
Patty

[seeker1950]

My update: I haven't been able to sleep since this Christmas debacle that I subjected myself to....Will drift off to sleep only to wake re-experiencing the insult. Hey...I totally realize I'm allowing myself to be a victim here, and even MORE telling, allowing myself to be victimized by the family dynamic in which I was raised.

Interesting also that sister is heavily into religion, like it's her life! I wonder how that meshes with her treatment to me? I sometimes think she and her family are brainwashed. I do know she has disdain for me because I don't partake in the fundamentalist/pentacostal beliefs.

I weakened this evening and actually tried to call her, to verbally TELL her how she had hurt me. Mercifully, I think, there was no answer. It would be to no avail anyway, and I would be made to feel foolish and flawed.

In the past, when I came here for help, I was deeply hurt by experiences beyond my control. I found the compassion and insight I needed. PC is wonderful in that respect. I also have had a whole "library" of self-help books that I've practically memorized in order to deal with such hurts. Funny, I got rid of all those books, thinking I'd never need them again. But the essence of what I learned remains, and I must return to it.

Thank you all for your kind responses.
Patty

[lynn P.]

(((seeker1950))) - I don't blame you for being hurt, even very mad for what your sister did. This was rude and not funny at all. If you were too sick to visit last Christmas, she should has visited you when you felt up to it...and given you those gifts. This isn't fair or acceptable for her to behave this way.

In the future, you should spend time with those family who value your presence. If you can't find this in family, then share it with friends. It was already mentioned it would be better to be alone or volunteer Christmas dinner at a homeless shelter, than be with family who condones this kind of behavior. I like missbelle'a idea.

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

(((seeker1950))) - I don't blame you for being hurt, even very mad for what your sister did. This was rude and not funny at all. If you were too sick to visit last Christmas, she should has visited you when you felt up to it...and given you those gifts. This isn't fair or acceptable for her to behave this way.

In the future, you should spend time with those family who value your presence. If you can't find this in family, then share it with friends. It was already mentioned it would be better to be alone or volunteer Christmas dinner at a homeless shelter, than be with family who condones this kind of behavior. I like missbelle'a idea.

LynnP...First of all...so glad to see you here! Your voice is one that I value highly on PC. As for sister, I know I must move on beyond this. There are other, more rewarding and meaningful ways to experience the holidays, and I will remember this.

Patty

[sandworm]

Dear Seeker,

I have made a resolution "since my mom's ultimatum" to create a short
explanation for friends, potential romance partners and such, that I
do not suffer then go to my family for comfort and support; I do not
seek their company for holidays (though I will if it seems the best choice
that year) and I am preparing a few choice past events to tell my friends to
demonstrate, that IF I LOVE MYSELF, I will not inflict my family on myself, or
those I care for like friends.

This preparation, I find makes friends not flood me with proddings to
'go see you folks" or, "so what fun are you doing for the holidays, seeing mom and dad??".
They will have to be reminded (my friends) regularly, because life brainwashes us that
family is thicker than water. My family's skulls are, thick aright.
Sw

[seeker1950]

[quote=sandworm;2170948]Dear Seeker,

I have made a resolution "since my mom's ultimatum" to create a short
explanation for friends, potential romance partners and such, that I
do not suffer then go to my family for comfort and support; I do not
seek their company for holidays (though I will if it seems the best choice
that year) and I am preparing a few choice past events to tell my friends to
demonstrate, that IF I LOVE MYSELF, I will not inflict my family on myself, or
those I care for like friends.

This preparation, I find makes friends not flood me with proddings to
'go see you folks" or, "so what fun are you doing for the holidays, seeing mom and dad??".

Sandworm, Thank you, and what a great, wise response. I have to post an update on this situation, and I'm going to do it in a new topic in the Relationships thread here.
Patty