[Adelissa]

I wrote my life story down (more or less) as a form of therapy. It took 10 pages typed double spaced 12 font times roman 1 inch margins lol)
I thought it would help me pinpoint some of my issues and figure out how to heal. I discovered that there was a pattern in my life with this one person who I love and don't want to alienate that made me feel she was always abandoning me. Some of the "abandoning" was normal it was just done in a way that hurt. First she got married when I was 7 and spent less time with me, then we just weren't as close and I missed her, then I felt abandoned because my mother had what I think was a psychotic break and she wouldn't help me make a decision about how to proceed. (she was seeing and hearing things and it was really weird, she had always been completely normal but this spell lasted maybe 2 days and then she was normal again) She even said I have to protect my own family first, which was a slap in the face because even though I know when you get married and have children that is your nuclear family, and now I feel abandoned because my brother got slightly violent with the person in question and unloaded years of resentment on her in a way that was very scary and scarring for all of us and I don't want her to think of me that way. I am not mad I am just hurting. Because of that and some resentment she holds for my father she avoids me, I am guilty by association sort of. She will meet me for coffee and talk about HER family but if I start talking about my problems she doesn't comment. I have called her crying and she doesn't say anything, just holds the phone. This someone is my big sister and I didn't realize until I reached way back and started thinking about it how abandoned I felt by her. I don't want her to think I am mad or whatever and I acknowledge some of her actions I would probably have done in her shoes but some are unexplainable. When I was in the hospital she came to see me once and gave me a hug but all her conversation was centered around her family and I had nearly tried to kill myself! I don't want to say anything because she is about the only sane family I have left. apparently I had a dream and was talking in my sleep and my Dad said I said her name. I don't remember anything about the dream at all. I texted this to her and she said I was probably coming to your rescue, and I thought does she really see it that way? She has given me a few rides when I didn't have a car, and talked me through a couple issues with my niece when I didn't know what to do when she was sick but I never thought she rescued me at all at any time. I never felt rescued I felt abandoned. Anyway I thought if I wrote all that down here at least I could get it out. I think she is a little emotionally closed off though I have seen her cry. Anyway trying to be my own therapist right now while I wait to find out if my Therapist is going to remain my therapist or if I have to find a new one and this is my first breakthrough I came up with.

[sandworm]

Dear Adalissa,

I have learned some things in the horribly long time I have had to be here. none,
from my family, unless it was "you're in this boat on your own".

What I learned, is that each of us, no matter who we get advice from, or
how wise they are, we each must live with our own actions or lack of actions"

If someone gives us advice, and we follow it, if it be good or bad, We, the individual
must square with the results.". it is almost never the sage or fool who told us stuff.

There are no, "well, so and so told me to do it this way.".

If you feel your sister can handle it and be calm and mature enough to
grow from your sharing >your< truth, then you will gain so much. If she is
the type of person you feel will not receive this well, then you should
do what you must and feel best for you.

best of luck.

SW

[Adelissa]

I really do feel like I am in this boat on my own. That is why I want to reach out to her, I am not worried about the past, it is her present detached behavior that hurts. I have read some about healing your inner child and I can remember crying at her wedding because I thought I lost her, and I just feel like that is my first memory of feeling abandoned and alone. I mean I had playground squabbles (this person plays with you one day not your friend the next etc) but this was the first one that hurt down deep. I am just looking for connections as to if this is still affecting my life because I feel abandoned by everyone now. I feel like I can scream and nothing. I probably won't say anything. She is the perfect example of the problem I am having. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives so when you need someone it is sometimes irrational to expect them to drop everything and take care of you, but there are people out there who help other people and my biggest goal in life is to stop being the needy one and be the helper person. For some reason I see those as distinct groups. The needy, the self absorbed, and the helpers. I don't know if that makes sense but I am tired of feeling needy. In my home I am the boss person, basically the one everyone depends on, Hard to lean on people who treat you like a parental figure. So I want to act like that sometimes and get advice, help whatever and I can't find the right people who are open to it. That is why I came here and why it is so helpful. You all don't care if I am a little bit selfish and write how I feel and what is wrong with me. The world at large is too busy to care.

[Adelissa]

I was told based on the last post that I was displaying black and white thinking describing the 3 groups that everyone has some give and take in them. Maybe in a perfect world, or even normal world, but in my disfunctional world it is sucking me dry until there isn't anything left. That's how I see it anyway...

[Open Eyes]

It sounds to me like your sister knows you have a lot of responsibility and I don't think she wants to contribute and get involved with your situation and caregiving.
It may be her way of distancing because she has made a decision to not allow herself to be responsible of your father and brother, their mental issues and autistic niece.

I don't think that she is purposely abandoning you so much as she has made a choice to take care of her personal happiness. So when she talks to you about her family issues, well that is ok. But as soon as you talk about your struggles, well her silence is a combination of guilt and that she doesn't want to accept any responsibility for what you are stuck with. Sorry, but that is how I see it. She got married and booked and she has no intention of getting involved with the father and brother and their issues.

Honestly I cant blame you for being stressed, you have a lot to look after. I am glad to see your connected with a church or bible group, maybe you need to reach further than you are into a bigger church or something. What do you have for you, it seems your life is about caregiving to others.

((((Hugs)))))

I am glad you found PC, you do need a place to vent and connect and get support.
Open Eyes

[Adelissa]

What do I have for me...the internet I read a lot when I have time, I like to draw and sing and all the things that introverts enjoy but I think what you mean is getting out of the house. I have a membership at curves (Gym) and physically have been unable to be consistent but I go at least once a week, I often avoid church because I am too tired or depressed or whatever, but I am going to try to go this week. I am having lunch with a friend who isn't a really close friend but I would like to deepen this relationship as she and her husband have really been strong prayer warriors for me. Often when I post on facebook something depressing or sad they are the only ones who post so I know they care about me, and her daughter is bipolar so there is some mutual ground of sorts, maybe we can help each other, I know she suffers from chronic pain. Anyway that is my plan for now. Getting out of the house once in a while is nice but too often it is exhausting and I feel like if I am not holding down the fort I am buying things to hold down the fort lately.

[Open Eyes]

((((Andelissa)))))

I think that your caregiving is draining your energy and its is probably stressful.

I hope you can find time to do some get away from it things, take a drive somewhere and see something interesting, a museum or I am sure there must be some interesting things to go see in CA. It can be so easy to get trapped where you are, your a giver, but try to give to yourself.

Open Eyes

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Adelissa

my biggest goal in life is to stop being the needy one and be the helper person. For some reason I see those as distinct groups. The needy, the self absorbed, and the helpers. I don't know if that makes sense but I am tired of feeling needy.

The trick, I think, is to realize that in our own lives, we are all three of those. We get to know ourselves and how we "work", how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world and spend our time adjusting so we get an optimum "us". We are the best helpers of ourselves because we are the only ones in here/ourselves, the expert on Me.

Looking outside ourselves for help with our negative feelings, feeling needy and wanting others to behave toward us in certain ways is usually doomed because we have no hold or influence on other's lives, just as they do not on ours; we can't make them turn around and notice us, respond toward us the way we think we would like.

Likewise, jumping in and helping others often does not work because they are in charge of their own lives and hold the ultimate say in what is helpful to them so can reject our help as not what they want or think they need.

I believe we have to be self absorbed in a sense because we only have our selves to be, we cannot make another give support to us nor force them to accept our help when we think we see them hurting and wish we could help.

Relationships with others have to be shared to work and be satisfactory I think. If a friend or loved one (not necessarily the same) takes and does not give, why do we want them as a friend? If someone we love seems to ignore us and is occupied in their own life and does not seem to want to take time to be with us, they are not a friend and I do not want to be around such a person if all I feel is sadness or hurt when I am?

We can pick our friends, those we like, based on our own criteria of what we enjoy and want in our lives. Looking for people we enjoy being around and who appear to enjoy being around us works best for this. If our immediate surroundings don't show us people who exhibit characteristics consistent with what we consider a "friend" exhibits, we have to change surroundings in some way, find what we enjoy and go where that behavior is being exhibited.

[Adelissa]

I agree with all you said, I don't like it but I agree it is the truth. The problem is you do see people emotionally fulfilled and so I know it isn't a dream and loneliness is a true condition. I love my alone time but I do get moments of who really cares about me, and when the answer is next to none, it is very depressing. I wholeheartedly agree no one person is going to fix me, I have to do the work myself, it is just sometimes you want to call someone and say I am hurting! and have that person respond in such a way that helps you. But until then, I have all of you and I don't take you all for granted, I really appreciate all you do to clarify my head.

[Open Eyes]

(((((Andelissa)))))

You are correct about loneliness being real. I think that you were unknowingly trained to be the caregiver and as I mentioned you have not learned to truely caregive for yourself. You have stepped into your mother's role, something you learned to do by watching it being done. Your father and brother have been trained to be serviced and getting them to be different is like swimming against the tide. Your sister chose to separate and live her own life, so it is not that she doesn't care about you as much as she will not allow herself to be responsible for the situation your stuck with.

Perna is so right about friends, they are not friends if all they do is take, only appreciate you for the things you can give them.

You have a strong sense of responsibility and empathy for others. I hope you can find your way to perhaps getting more involved in your local church and other places where you can meet others that are not just going to take, but can give to you and nourish and support you as well.

I am glad you have found PC and are getting support. There are others that have experienced your issues and concerns, your not alone and others have learned how to take more control over their lives.

Your welcome to come any time for support, there are people here that do listen.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Perna]

If I am alone and do not enjoy it, am feeling lonely, I need to find some activity I do enjoy and pursue that.

I remember I had a book about the history of my local area and lent it to my father and he loved it as much as I did and we discussed it. But while I was reading it, I felt lonely that I had no one to explore the area with, to see where the history had been made, how it literally looked and seemed to me based on the book. I was lonely.

What I wished I had done now is share the book with someone I knew who could explore with me, ask a girlfriend to read the book and/or go driving/hiking with me (instead of waiting to be invited to drive/hike like I wanted to do) or I should have looked up local hiking groups and joined one or local history groups, etc. The best thing I did during my greatest period of loneliness was join the Friends of the Library group and get involved. I met several people who became friends and worked at activities I enjoyed with people I enjoyed and I was not lonely.

I believe when we are lonely there is always a possible corresponding activity that can help us with that feeling. If you would like someone to call when you are lonely, you first have to go out and make a friend who enjoys talking to you on the phone. All of us here enjoy engaging one another on this site so we post and respond to each other. That's no small realization, no meaningless, simple action! We don't just post "needy" posts, if we do, eventually people don't respond because we are not giving as well as getting. One cannot make a friend and just call them and not take calls from them or the friendship ends?

I have friends I have not talked to in person in months or years but I could call any of them and talk to them now if I needed to because our friendship is mutual, they know they could call me and I would be there for them.

Loneliness' purpose is that of a goad of sorts, an unpleasant sensation to get us up and moving and interacting with others.

[likewater]

My sister and i have had our own rough road. What helped was to realize how damaged she is as well. The times when she and i have
let each other down have always been due to our emotional limitations/hurts. I realize our situation is different than yours, but i
think your sister loves you. Im sorry she isnt able to be supportive. I suggest you love yourself and invite people into your life that are
Loving, giving, and supportive . Hugs.