[Deedina]

What's the best way to deal with frequently irritable, angry spouses.
When confronted, anger intensifies, defenses go up and no resolve.

[lancetrot]

Make him go back to the therapist and get the right medication.

[MsMesuggah]

Deedina... sometimes...inadvertantly... a spouse or S/O can be the source of irritation. I know that can sound kind of like playing the "blame game". For example....my best friend has this penchant for saying that I am saying things I don't say because he needs a hearing aid and refuses to acknowledge this. This causes a lot "friction" between us and heck yeah...it does "irritate" me. But the best solution is to "walk away" until the issue is resolved. Unfortunately in my case, I am afraid that it may lead to a break-up in a friendship of almost 5 years. A stubborn person can be a source of irritation but there comes a point when one has to decide if the value of the relationship is worth the headache. In the case of spouses though...just add another "pearl" to your string as like an oyster builds pearls around the irritant within its shell...so must a spouse. Good luck !

Shalom

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Deedina

What's the best way to deal with frequently irritable, angry spouses.
When confronted, anger intensifies, defenses go up and no resolve.

At some time when he or she is not irritable and/or angry I would say "I have noticed that you are frequently irritable and angry and I would like to know what is bothering you;" then if I got an irritable and/or angry response say "Your response just now is an example of what I mean. As your spouse, I should be able to ask you a simple question without getting such an angry non responsive reply. We're married and I love you and we should be a support for each other. I want to know what is bothering you. Please tell me." If the next reply is more irritable, more angry, then I'd say "I don't intend to live like this. If you cannot tell me what the problem is, will you tell the doctor/a counselor/our rabbi/pastor/priest?"

The key is to stay calm and to listen hard for the response. If the response is "Stop nagging me! You're always nagging me!" Then, even though you might not be nagging your spouse, you have to realize that your spouse has just blamed you for the irritability. At that point, you can reply, calmly: "Thank you for your reply. When you are calmer, we can discuss what you call my nagging."

If the reply is "Stop making a mountain out of a molehill! I'm just tired! I don't want to discuss every little thing with you!" then you can reply, "When you are calmer, I'd like for you to make an appointment with the doctor to find out why you are so tired."

If the reply is "You know what the problem is! You promised to stop drinking/stop smoking/stop spending...and you haven't done that!!!"

The point is to listen to the reply and have a calm statement of what you want in terms of action as your next comment. While your spouse is angry is not the time to discuss whatever the problem is; but by giving a calm thought out statement of action, you are letting your spouse know that you will not live walking on eggshells and that you expect the problem to be resolved.

If your spouse is physically abusive, you already know this and the advice above is not for your situation. If you are doing something you know upsets your spouse, giving him or her a chance to say it and then being willing to address your actions is the first step to recovery and it helps enlist your spouse's support.

What doesn't work is cowering, caving, or ignoring unhealthy behavior in a spouse you are living with. It's entirely possible the spouse will stonewall, deny anything is wrong, or blame you vaguely. The next time he or she is calm, the same scene might happen again. At that point you have to be willing to act; different situations will require different solutions. You might have to suggest he or she leave for a few days; you might leave for a few days; you might have to make an appointment with a counselor,doctor, rabbi, priest, pastor for yourself and go by yourself if your spouse will not. What you don't want to do is, by doing nothing but tiptoeing on eggshells around your spouse, agree to him or her controlling the relationship through anger.

I am not a doctor or therapist. You may read through my advice and think it does not fit. But I have dealt with several significant people in my life who were as you described. When I stopped allowing myself to be 'handled' this way, change happened. What you want to do is make those changes so that you are happier; taking control of your life will help you do this.

[Perna]

Another person's anger is about their problems, it is their anger. "What can I do to help you?" might help calm a person down and get them working productively to solve whatever problem they are having?

If another person is angry at you, that does not make it your problem or mean you have to do anything in response. If you do not agree that the problem is both of yours, decide you do not want to be part of that problem and its solution, you just have to state your decision.

"You were late getting dinner on the table!" That another person uses "you" instead of "I" statements just means they are blaming their own problems (being hungry and wanting to eat at X time) on you. That does not make them your problems!

Confronting the person with statements such as "If you want dinner at a particular time, YOU make it!", just keeps the blame going back and forth (now we are blaming our frustration at being a "target" of another person's moods on the other person; not everyone would react with frustration (the frustration we feel, is ours), some might think the other's "where's my dinner?" as whining/petulant and laugh that a grown man would express such a sentiment, for example) because of the use of "you" statements rather than "I" statements. Just going back and forth with "you" statements does tend to escalate the situation.

Always try to respond to another with "I" statements. You only know about yourself and how you feel. In this case, you might inform the other as to your feelings about the situation, or your take on the situation.

"I feel frustrated, do not know how to reply, when you blame your hunger or time scheduling decision malfunctions on me."

"I am sorry dinner was not ready when you anticipated it being so. Next time I am not going to be able to have dinner ready when we normally eat, I will try to warn you so you can eat a snack, would that help?"

"I am sorry dinner was not ready when you anticipated it being so. I will try to prepare dinner so it is ready within an hour of your evening homecoming but sometimes that is not possible. In the future, I will try and let you know when those times will be so you can be better informed."

If you want to re-negotiate the dinner situation entirely, you have to start a conversation about that, hopefully not act in a passive aggressive way of thwarting the habit that has been formed.

When/if your spouse "announced" that dinner would be at 6:00 p.m. every night and you went along with that (whether out of fear or for some other reason) that is your problem, not the spouse's. It is your job to take care of yourself emotionally because you are the only one who can, they are your emotions. Taking the less confrontational path out of fear will almost inevitably lead to anger later and it will often feel "stronger" because the person will have been "led on" by your doing what was asked, implying you agreed with what was asked.

Stating your own feelings, where you stand on any situations that have anything directly to do with you (where a demand or assumption is being made on you or a request is being made of you) is the best way to keep situations as non-confrontational as possible. Yes, you have to say, "No, I do not want to do that" but that is easier than saying nothing and doing what is asked so that you are resentful, angry, feeling taken advantage of (you cannot be taken advantage of without your consent; non-response is consent) and then when you say, "No, I do not want to do that" there is the legitimate complaint from the other side "But you were doing it!" and the disruption of what the other person had come to depend upon. So, now, both people are feeling resentful, angry, and abused instead of there just being the simpler discussion of how to get dinner on the table each night?