ups and downs

the last few days have been ok. I find myself worrying about what people are thinking about me as my ex's smear campaign continues. He is extremely manipulative and has already recruited people to "his side". I am not saying anything to anyone.

A few things that he has said makes me want to go to where he is doing this and confront him as he is COMPLETELY misrepresenting what has happened here! I know that this is what he wants. As I have changed my phone number and he has no way of knowing what I am doing or where I am. I have been through this so many times before. I cave, I go to him, he sweet talks, manipulates me and I go back. I ALLOW it! I don't know what it is about him. I just can't resist. Doesn't that sound ridiculous?! It does to me! I also have this foolish need to understand "why" he is doing this (I already know why - to control me) and to try to "explain" to him what all of this is doing. I have to remind myself that he does not have the capacity to see his behavior as he is painting himself to be the victim. I have to abandon these ideas!

I refuse to give in! I made a choice to end the cycle of abuse and have a better life. I have to work on my low self-esteem. Let's face it, that's what got me in this predicament in the first place. So I have to figure out why I care so much about what others think of me. And why the heck do I need validation from a man who only wants to dominate, control and abuse me. I know that a few of you posted to my initial introduction, that you had similar experiences with ex's. How are you doing with this? What did you find that helped you?

You are doing so well FireWoman! Keep strong. Do not worry about "why" you do something, just keep your focus on working on your self-esteem and be proud of your commitment to ending the cycle of abuse and have a better life.

Having good self esteem will make the "why" questions seem a bit ridiculous too. Don't think anymore about what he is doing or saying, you know what you are doing and that's all that is important. If people "believe" him, you don't want to be friends with those people anyway, anyone who "takes sides" due to someone's complaints and whining instead of knowing the people involved well and their character and actions aren't friends. He can call you whatever he wants; you know you are not that and that's all that matters. That is what self esteem is; knowing who you are and working on your life to make it the best you can for yourself.

You are taking care of yourself and that is awesome. Like you I have also suffer from low self esteem and allow myself to be manipulated/controlled. it is hard to know sometimes why we behave like we do. If you make a commitment to taking care of yourself, you can also change the rules of your relationships and break the cycle of abuse. It is really hard, when you are a caring person, but it is so easy to let someone manipulate your compassion and female instinct to take care of people.
You need the love of a caring and compassionate person, not one who is stuck in a desire to control, manipulate and control you.
I wish you well in your journey