[kdclement]

I'm so stressed and I hope I can make myself clear enough because this problem is causing my bipolar to really swing and I need some help, seriously. I tried to cut myself over it last week b/c I was at my wits end. I'm not sure how to fix any of it or if I can.

Fist of all there were many circumstances that lead to me deciding to put my daughter into foster care when she was little and it was like ripping my arm off and giving it to someone else. I tried to keep her at home but she was becoming dangerous to other people in the home. I don't want to go into the things that happened but we were in counseling and I tried so hard to have her come back home but she'd gone through many foster homes. I was a part of all of the meetings and always there to have regular visitation. The program she was a part of was one that was specifically for kids with intense behavioral problems. Pretty soon she didn't want to take her meds, she was in and out of juvy and she refused to see me. After 33 foster homes I didn't know what to do and had a family at home as well. I know she's hurting and I have always loved her but she feels like I gave up on her. I'm hurting so badly that it's hard to live with myself. Sometimes I don't want to anymore. I feel like I tried so hard but nothing ever worked. I myself have bipolar and it makes my bipolar crazy to this day when I try to deal with it all. Recently over the holidays she wrote to me and told me I gave up on her and how she would never do that to her daughter. Well, I wanted to end it all and I still have a little of that happening now. My partner doesn't really understand all of the mood disorder problems and when I try to talk about it she almost defends my daughter. I understand she was young and I was the mom. I feel like I did what I could and tried so hard, now I just feel guilty, sad and so angry. I want it to end and I want to fix it but I can't. It gets on all of my other relationships and everything I do is effected. I feel like I can barely function and I want to cry all the time. I'm easily irritated at people that have nothing to do with it and I just want to crawl in a hole. How do I make it better? Is it possible? My heart is breaking

[LylaJean]

I'm so sorry, sweetie, that you are and have been going through this. You will get through it. Everything gets better in the end, and if it's not better it's not the end. Your daughter's anger is her own, and no one can get through that but her. I have no doubt that you made the right decision. It isn't your fault that she feels failed by "the system". It doesn't sound like she has done much to help herself. You did what you could and there can't be a better mom than that.

My aunt gave a daughter up because she was too messed up to be a good mother. It has since taken a while, but her daughter and her now have a great relationship. It took maturity on the daughter's part to see that my aunt did what she could at the time and tried to give her the world. Your daughter will see that someday I hope.

Prayers with you.

[tohelpafriend]

Originally Posted by kdclement

I'm so stressed and I hope I can make myself clear enough because this problem is causing my bipolar to really swing and I need some help, seriously. I tried to cut myself over it last week b/c I was at my wits end. I'm not sure how to fix any of it or if I can.
I feel like I can barely function and I want to cry all the time. I'm easily irritated at people that have nothing to do with it and I just want to crawl in a hole. How do I make it better? Is it possible? My heart is breaking

I read your story with compassion. Have you had the chance to discuss with her the behavioral issues you were helping her with at the time, and that, as you write, 'she didn't want to see you.' I don't know how to make it better, except I'm going through something of a power trip with my 33 yr. old at the time, and she refuses to see me before she moves to CA. I do know it is not healthy for anyone to take on guilt from anything anyone else says, if we believe we've done the right thing, and it sounds as if you certainly did all you could at the time. I
Have you discussed your feelings with your T? I do hope you work through this, even counselling with your daughter, and perhaps in the future she will understand the situation and take responsibility for her own actions in your decision. It doesn't seem fair that you should suffer from these emotions.

I've learned not to be manipulated by my children, for they will surely try; if they cannot honor me, I am not their judge, but they will be judged. My job is to keep on loving them. My older child won't even see me over an issue; she uses it to hurt me and drive the knife deeper. I have to forgive; what else can I do?

[lad007]

Sometimes we make decisions in our lives that we feel that is the best for all concerned. You were hopeful that the outcome doing what you did would be positive, but you had no control over the outcome. You made that decision because you thought it was in her best interest.
Try to forgive yourself for doing what seemed to be best at the time. She sounds angry, and just try to be there while she works through it, but the past is the past. Just tell her she can live in the past, or go forward.

[kdclement]

Originally Posted by lad007

Try to forgive yourself for doing what seemed to be best at the time. She sounds angry, and just try to be there while she works through it, but the past is the past. Just tell her she can live in the past, or go forward.

thank you so much for your kind words, my heart feels a little lighter

[kdclement]

Thank you everyone so much....just knowing you are out there helps.