All I want is a friend.

I want to talk to someone. But I can't. And it hurts, it's killing me. Each day is worse than the last, I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I hate myself and NO ONE understands ANYTHING. I hate that they are always talking about stuff that upsets them, and I can't say anything because I can't trust anyone. I promised my mum I would never ever self harm ever again, and I did it. Because I am pathetic, and a failure and I hate my life. I know I probably sound like a spoiled teenager, I'm sorry. I have concerns for numerous mental illness (schizophrenia, ocd, anorexia, depression etc), and I just want to talk to someone, anyone.

School found out after teachers saw me being depressed and saw my cuts, so they talked to me on three separate occasions, and now think I am absolutely fine. I'm worse than ever. I see no hope in anything, I am paranoid of everyone's intentions, I have low self confidence, I starve myself, I still self harm. I am not looking for sympathy, I just need to vent this out.

It got too much and I told a close "friend" and another person. She couldn't stop crying which made my depression worse, but now she thinks I'm fine and when I look depressed (I try not to) she tells me to "cheer up you emo". That hurts. She thinks she has terrible problems and thinks no one is as confused as her (she's gay, and is always hinting it to people). The other one said she understood (she used to self harm) and I told her about my mental health worries, I thought I could actually trust someone. I was wrong. She doesn't even acknowledge my existence and ignores me. I don't like any of them any more, how horrible am I. I can't trust them, they are always talking about me behind my back, I practically begged one of them to stay with me in town when it was getting dark (I was on my own + I get anxiety) but she just walked off.

School told my mum who was extremely upset. I promised I would never do it again. I guess I lied. I don't deserve my parents, or anyone. I have insomnia and am sinking deeper and deeper into a hole which I cannot get out of. I'm scared, I'm really really scared. I have so many hopes and dreams but I can't reach them because of all this. I have really important exams coming up in less than two weeks and can't concentrate enough to revise for them. I'm a failure, and everyone knows it. I get bad thoughts and I think people can read my mind, so they are going to think I am a terrible person.

I prayed last night. It was midnight and one again I couldn't sleep and I was crying a lot. I prayed to God to kill me. I wanted it so badly, I still do. I just want a friend, I feel so alone all of the time. I hate this stupid world, I don't even think I am human. I can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

I'm not even religious, but I believe something is out there, a force of some sort. I pray for a friend, I want a true friend more than anything. This sounds so cheesy, but I feel alone all the time (I have no pets, siblings or cousins either, so I don't really talk to anyone). I also hate social events because of paranoia.

I have been asking to see a psychiatrist since I was 11 (I just turned 15), but I don't see the point any more. Everyone will just think I'm crazy and lock me away. I can't trust anyone enough to tell them my problems. I hope you don't think I am a coward. I try to be strong and brave, but I suppose I'm just a loser in this stupid world.

Thanks for reading.

Life is tough, and i know how you feel with the trust issues. i never tell my friends or family whats wrong with me. This world is a scary place when you're alone, I've also wished to just die numerous times in my life. Therapy does help, keep asking your parents to take you to see one, it really does help. I hope you count me and the many people here at pc that want to help you as your friends. If you need someone to talk to msg me.

I feel you pain, for one so young. It won't always be like this for you, but it sounds like you do need a therapist whom you can confide it and with whom you can build a trusting relationship. If you have any money of your own, or a relative who could help you (as you are a minor), and drive you to a psychologist or psych Dr. (you may need medication)....that would be good for you. Or is there a trustworthy counselor at school?
I know when one of my daughters was about 15 she was so angry about everything and agreed to see a counselor once, which would have helped her and me; then chickened out because she felt uncomfortable. Life will change for you, it always does. You are too young to be suffering these things alone. I can assure you God listens and hears; don't give up on that source of help. I hope things get better for you, I really do.

Peace,
"tohelpafriend...."