[Turquesa]

My sister died in 08 leaving her husband, son, her sisters and the rest of the family desolated. Her husband died suddenly a year later, leaving a big debt and his son to deal with the mess. I helped my nephew and invited him to live with me and my husband. The first few months my nephew didn't want to do anything and I attributed it to his depression so I let it be. Later I insisted for him to do something productive instead of sleeping till 12 or 1 pm and going to bed at 3 or 4 am. He got into school for a trade that he is good at but he has just been expelled because of his bad grades. My husband tells me that he needs taugh love and I agree but I feel profound sadness to make him leave my house. I am also afraid that his life is going to be much worse and he will end developing a mental illness. Here at my house he has some restrictions but when he is alone he will smoke and drink even more, he will live in worse conditions and I wonder if he would ever keep a job. He is unmotivated, lazy, and very irresponsible. He is also intelligent, confident, verbal and sociable. I have had countless conversations with him, written him letters also but he continues with his unproductive life style. If anyone could give me their opinions I'll appreciate it.

[heytheresunshine]

I would suggest trying family therapy. Whatever you do, make kicking him out of the house the very last resort. Depending on his age, if it gets to the point where you are unable to care for him, you seek help from the Department of Children and Families. My parents did this-and DCF took voluntary custody of me.

[kaliope]

It sounds as if you have done everything you can to reach him and if you have not got thru by now, there is little more you can do to improve his situation. your husband is right. i know it is difficult considering his circumstances, but he will only continue his current lifestyle knowing that he has you to fall back on for support.

has he got therapy yet? you could make one last ditch effort. Therapy and strict conditions for living in your home..job/returning to school with a plan to become independent in x amount of time...(you dont state his age but im under the impression that he is an adult at this point) if he doesnt follow these guidelines he will have to find a new place to live.

again, i know his past makes it difficult, but you have to focus on his future in becoming a successful independent adult and his current lifepath is not heading that direction. you can take steps to guide him there, but if he rejects these offers and support, you do not have to be party in watching him destroy himself.

good luck...

[Turquesa]

Thanks for answering. My nephew is already an adult. Therapy would be useful.]

[Turquesa]

Thank you for your opinion. My nephew is already an adult and you are right, I do not want to be a witness of his self-destruction. Therapy is expensive and he doesn't have medical insurance. I was thinking on giving him an ultimatum and stricter conditions but he is always trying to bend the rules and do what we have told him not to. It's tireing. I am inclinated to think that telling him that his stay in my home is over because it is not helping him mature and prepare himself to be an independent man. That he's thrown his chance to get a career and has wasted his time, gas, money, energy and effort. And that's it. In the past he talked abut joining the army and I am sure that a couple of yeas serving will be very good for him. We'll see if now that he has failed in his education he will talk again about the army or it was just words.