desperately trying to move on in my marriage, but I am mentally stuck...HELP

I am 33 years old, a mother of 3 and married to my husband for 7 years, we've been together for 10. Until last year, it was somewhat "normal". There is no history of mental or physical abuse. There is no history of affairs or any other dramatics.
However- things happened... here goes... Please keep in mind I am reaching out to get advice, opinions are welcomed, but please be kind.
I had my baby in feb of last year...it was a tough year for anyone in this economy, and stress levels were high for everyone in my household... My husband and I had been arguing more than the average spat couples may have. He had become very different in some ways, he started hanging out with younger friends, going out drinking ect. In June, he was introduced to Facebook (you can already feel where this is leading huh!) well, I noticed a woman and him chatting on facebook, being that I had never had any trust issues with him, or him me- I just asked one day (July 4th to be exact) who she was... I was given the history of childhood family friends yadda yadda... Well, the chatting became constant, and him and I were still at eachothers throats, so when I began questioning him, it was almost just out of being angry with him in general, but still something didnt sit well with me. I had introduced myself to her in a private fb message, and the response I got back, made me giggle- She said "Hi, my name is "insert name" and I am "insert husband's name"'s friend." however it was repeated as if she copied and pasted it on accident... Well, he came home and I asked him very sarcastically, if he had chatted with his friend, and his response was "well you talked with her today, what did she have to say" so obviously, she went to him. as time moved on, I became very verbal on my concern of their "talking" so often, it had progressed at this point to verbal converstation over the phone, he would come in from work on the phone with her. So, I went to her- I asked her to leave him alone for a while, that I felt that she was an obvious distraction, and we needed to sort out our marriage... I also went to him with my proposal, and was scoulded like a child... 2 days later, he says "we are not going to talk for a while" I said, oh yea? why is that? he says "because she asked me to" I knew then, it was what I thought it was the whole time. A week or so later, we are still in a stink, and I finally just said, what the hell is going on? he was on me about everything from the kitchen floor not being clean enough, to me not wanting to have sex with him a few years prior for a couple of weeks because we were arguing... He came right out and said this "I dont love you anymore, I havent for a while, and the only reason I stayed with you, is because you were pregnant" - I wasnt expecting that. anything but that. He isnt the most verbal man (like they all are lol) but he would tell me he loved me, in the middle of the night when he would roll over and hug me, or first thing in the morning when he would wake up and bring me coffee- those were sincere "I love you's" needless to say, i was devistated. For weeks, months even I tore myself apart, thinking of when or how this had happened... I was trying harder than ever to fix whatever mistakes I had made as a wife to push him away from me. He decided that he was going to move out, and ALMOST did, he lost his job unexpectedly, and couldnt afford to leave. At that point i was kind of in limbo-he at this point, would sleep on the couch, and I know he would hear me cry myself to sleep at night. So, skip forward a lil bit - in October he left his facebook open on his phone and left for a while (stupid) so I began reading... I found a message from August 8th from a friend of her's facebook... (I had blocked her previously anyway just for some added assurance) She asked him how he was, even had the nerve to ask if I was doing better... (ugh) and the response I saw floored me... he told her that he loved her, and wanted to be with her ect. Her response however was very- cold. (I believe it was because she was using someone else's facebook) She told him that she couldnt talk to him on demand basically, but he could contact her between the hours of 11 am till 1130 am, because that was her lunch break... He never called her, she never contacted him again. Digging further into his emails, I found where she SHE <--- had created an email account for him, and given him the information. Most of her emails were flirty fishing for compliments kind of things, aside from her asking for money and things to be sent to her (she is in Mexico) We are in the states. I, as a woman, know when someone is stringing someone else along, looking for some financial something... She never told him that she loved him, she did fuel the fire, by reading my FB posts to him, and privately making comments about me, how disrespectful i sounded to him ect (we all know these types of woman, the whole look at what you've got, and look at what you could have" types) anyway, I waited for him to come home, and I planned on having an adult conversation, with proper words and gestures, however it didnt end up to be that easy for me... I think that I scared him more than anything. I have NEVER been physically abusive toward him, nor verbally... until he walked through the door that day... I missed his head with a plate full of dinner by inches... I threw a bottle of soda and it exploded, all while I screamed like a crazy person and asked him what he expected me to do? I said things that were hurtful, not because I meant them, but because I wanted to hurt him the way he was hurting me... ok, sorry about the tangent folks, moving on a little further, I told him he had until the middle of November, to piss or get off the pot... you are in for the right reasons or you are out...bottomline. After months of lying and manipulating my emotional stability with such malice- I needed him to either leave me alone, or get his head out of his behind and help me pick up the pieces of our lives that he managed to scatter all over. He stayed obviously, and I can say that he is trying. He has apologized to me publically, (on his facebook where all this crap began) and while he has sobbed, asking me to forgive him. I want to. I love him. I know that this is NOT like him, and never has been. I do believe that stress, life, and mounds of other things piled up on him, and he needed a release- he needed an escape, and the internet+a pitiful homewrecker=ESCAPE, even if it was only VERBAL and EMOTIONAL- he betrayed a trust that I have never had with anyone. He knows this, and he was at fault, but not all at fault. We both need to work on different aspects of our marriage, and who we are individually, and who we are together.. hands down thats a fact. Here's my dilema... I cannot stop replaying his words to me that day "I dont love you anymore, I dont think I feel anything in my heart for you other than appreciation for giving me my children" it rings in my head and haunts me daily. It has got to be one of the most hurtful memories I have. Aside from "daddy issues" I even begin to think about it, and my eyes fill with tears. He told me he loved me after 9 months for the first time this past Sunday. It felt good to hear it again, but immediately my joy was overridden by the saddness in my heart from what he had said. I know that he is trying, I see it every single day. I love this man, he is the best person Ive ever known, and I want to forgive him, I actually think that I have, but I cannot make the pain stop. I thought by telling this woman's husband what she was doing would make me feel better, but I couldnt even do that. I tried, but after seeing how happy he is (her husband) in comments, pictures of them and their children ect, It hurt my heart to think of someone else going through what I have.. I didnt tell him, however once I found that she had messaged my husband from her friends account, I sent her husband the following message "hello my name is "blank", you dont know me, however I know your wife... I really need to speak with her, apparently something I told her she didnt fully understand, and I would communicate with her directly, however she blocked me, but not my husband,,,strange huh? anyway, could you please pass on the message that I urgently need to speak with her..thanks" and I did it to scare the poo out of her. To give her one last and final warning to leave my family ALONE... So, now she's happy in her life, her family is the way it was before any of this happened, and me- I am so sad, and so lost and somehow cant seem to figure out how this is fair at all... I am not perfect, not by anymeans, but i didnt deserve this. And now, I cant move on the way I want to. I want to wake up and never remember this, I want my old life back, as bad as it was at times, I'd take a bad day, happy in the arms of a man that loves me, over a GREAT day in the arms of a man that I wished loved me the way did before. Blah, I cant believe I just spit all that out on the internet...but it feels half way decent to atleast get it all out. Thanks, and sorry for being so long winded... but I have to provide you all with most of the details, hopefully so you can see my dilema. Thanks

I read your post and admire you for fighting for your family. That is very admirable.
It will take time for you to trust your husband again, and it is up to him to provide you with reasons that show you can trust him again. And you have noticed that he is trying.
As far as you not being able to get that thought out of your head, he most likely said that in anger to hurt your feelings, and it did. But if he is proving that he does love you, and is sorry for all this, try to look at the whole instead of one small piece. Judge him by actions, not some words he said when you weren't getting along.

I agree with lad007 totally on all points. It is hard to get that one mean action/thing said out of your head. Every so often it rears its ugly head and hangs on like a bad cough. So sorry you are going through this, I know how much it hurts. About 2 yrs ago my husband contacted his ex on FB and I busted him....he lied and told me it was her that initiated contact. I hacked his FB and found that that was a lie, he was bad mouthing me to her and she was playing right into it, even tho she was married too. A serious part of our relationship died that day. We have been together 17yrs with 4 wonderful kids. Every man in my life has slept with their exes while still with me and he knew how much it would hurt me and he still did it, so this was extremely hurtful and demeaning to me, so I can empathize. I have told him that I forgive him but that it is going to take a long time for him to earn that trust back. I just gave him his FB acct back this past month, everything he gets on there is sent to my acct and he is aware of that. I am still reeling over this but I do love him and know now that he realizes how bad he hurt me he is trying so hard to fix it. I am so glad you shared here and wanted to let you know that I understand the pain that echo causes, it may always be there but what works for me is when it starts is to make a check list of the positive things he has done no matter how small and compare the 1 against the many..... it helps me, hope it helps you also.

HUGE hugz
Nams

Wow you are one amazing woman. I'm going through something similar and your post has helped me. Thank you

Wow this story is sad. I wish you strenght to look forward and forget about the past. Please enjoy life again I really wish you can ��

Hello aramirez, first off I have to say you are very strong to have gone through what you did and still have the drive to move forward as you have. After all you have been through, you must see how far you have actually come. Yes, there is still that painful memory that, at times, overshadows all the good that has come of this. So I agree with others when they say to focus on those good points.

I tend to have a similar dilemma. I often let things bother me a lot longer than they probably should. And more often than not, it's because I don't understand, therefore I can't move on. When I was a child, my dad studied Scientology. I was never a huge fan of it, but one good point he taught me from it was "When reading, never pass a misunderstood word, otherwise you won't understand the passage as well as you could". I view life in the same manner. If something occurs and I don't understand the "why" then I have a hard time getting past it. My solution? Asking "why". Once I understand something, I don't necessarily have to agree with it, but just understanding it, allows me to accept it for what it is.

In this specific case, maybe you need to ask him why he said what he said. Then you can go from there as to how to proceed; whether that's accepting it, addressing it, or forgiving it. At least you'll know what all you're dealing with.

I wish you the best and hope this pain passes for you.