[LazyLogophile]

My boyfriend can literally play video games all night, for hours and hours with no break. I have to pull him away from video games to put the baby to bed, or to even play with the baby sometimes. I have to remind him what time it is in the morning because he plays video games from the moment he wakes up until 10 minutes before he has to leave. He will always offer to help me get the baby ready to go, and doesn't complain or get a bad attitude when I interrupt him for help with things around the house, or to just spend time with me...but I can't help it. I still get a little annoyed by the amount of time and energy he spends on these stupid games. He plays online strategy games, which are all interactive and allow him to play on a team. This makes the gaming more interesting and a bit social, which I understand and relate to. I used to play my Xbox online all the time...when I was SINGLE and before I had children. I never play online anymore, and I rarely get around to playing a game (and I never get to finish). I would say that I spend roughly 2 hours a week playing video games - and that is if I have a week when I can play them at all. Instead I busy myself with chores, taking care of my son, and taking care of my non-profit work (I work from home). He spends at least 1 or 2 hours a night and an hour in the morning playing games. The same one pretty much every time. It's a little annoying. I find myself missing my old relationship sometimes. We did things TOGETHER in my previous relationship. My current boyfriend is a bit of a loner. He refuses to make friends where we live, and has offended most of my friends when they come over for drinks by constantly challenging their point of view when they get into philosophical debates (which always happens because he turns every conversation into a debate). I have started to conclude that the reason he prefers video games over real people is because he is the type of person that can't relax and just have a good time watching a show or having a casual chat. Every chat has to be a serious political, sociological or psychological discussion, and one that he has to "win" by either talking the person to death until they don't want to continue, or verbally backing them into a corner so that they are in a constant state of defending their point of view while attempting to get him to listen to what they are saying. So, he plays video games all night. I suppose it wouldn't bother me if he did that and allowed me to have my friends over unmolested. But if I invite a friend over, he will use the opportunity to debate with them, which eventually makes them uncomfortable enough to not come over and see me. I have tried to bring this up to him, but I don't want to make him feel bad. I know that he is trying to be social in his own way, and that he simply doesn't know how to restrain himself. It is difficult for me, though, because it makes it virtually impossible for me to have close friendships with other people. If I am only able to talk to them on the phone, through texts, and through facebook, I can't really have a deep relationship with them. I don't think he is intentionally cutting me off socially, but that is the result.

Does anyone else have this problem (or have had this problem) in their relationships? How did you choose to handle it? Do you think it would be appropriate for me to ask him to restrict his video game time in order to spend more time with family? Or are the video games just a symptom of the bigger problem that involves his inability to socialize?

Thanks for any input.

[Harley47]

Hi Lazy. I hope I can be of some help.

I can relate to a decent extent to your boyfriend. While I don't let it interfere with my social life, I've seen the sun rise over a controller once or twice. I don't think that's entirely abnormal, but if he has a child, it's time for a priority shift, in my opinion. It is, however, pretty easy to get "absorbed" into these sorts of things. There is certainly a subculture among gamers, and some even consider "gamer" as a title to describe their lifestyle. Not bad per se, but if it interferes with a relationship or a child's well being, it's time to put down the controller.

I've known people who speak in the same manner you describe, and it is hard to feel comfortable talking to them or in their presence. If I were you, for both points, I would sit him down and tell him precisely how you feel. It is possible to be honest and get your point across without being "pushy" or impolite.

That's my input, at any rate. I hope I was of some help.

[shezbut]

Hi Lazy,

It sounds like you've got some resentment building between your boyfriend and yourself. I'm unable to relate to your bf's perspective, so I'm referring to you sounding resentful.

I'd recommend carefully wording what you say to your bf. Be honest, of course. Just be careful not to attack him with, "You do ___ and it's driving me nuts!". That would only make your bf feel defensive. Instead, say, "I feel as though you prefer to play video games than talk with me. I feel lonely and frustrated (or ____)." Hopefully, your bf will be willing to discuss the topic further.

Personally, I believe that your bf's disinterest could be depression. Perhaps he's feeling a little overwhelmed with a girlfriend and baby living with him? Part of him may be yearning for some individuality ~ needing some space, and he's therefore withdrawing from you. Depression certainly can cause people to be argumentative and snippy.

Best wishes to you!

[LazyLogophile]

Those are both very good points. I have talked with him about it a little bit. When our son was a newborn, he spent all day on the computer. He worked really hard as an independent contractor, made a lot of money, and then wasted it by taking almost a year off and playing video games all day. I offered to go back to work, but he said he wanted to handle the finances and that he felt our son would be better off with me at home to take care of him. I really wanted to stay home with him for the first year, so I accepted this as an agreement between us and expected him to handle the finances while I took care of the baby. I did my part, but he didn't do his. Instead he would go to another room and play games all the time. We did spend some time together, but the time we spent was only a fraction of the time he dedicated to gaming. This started to annoy me after a while, since I felt like I was making a lot of sacrifices and he was making almost none. When the money ran out, I again suggested I go back to work. He found a job which would cover expenses, so I took on a non profit job that would cover my student loans so he wouldn't be burdened with them (I had money saved from when I was working, so he didn't pay my loans during my maternity leave). After that year was over, I finally got the courage to tell him that his gaming was excessive, in my opinion, and that I felt like our family always came second.

Shezbut, you hit the nail on the head with your observation that he might be depressed. When I confronted him about his gaming, he confessed that he was overwhelmed by fatherhood and didn't feel ready to be a family man. He said that he did some soul searching and decided that he wanted to stay in the relationship and try to make our family work. Since then he has taken some very large steps in being a more present father and partner. I guess it still bothers me that even though he has made a lot of progress, we still don't seem to connect. I feel like he connects more with his online friends than with me. I thought for a while that maybe I was too demanding, and asked him what I could do to make him happier. He said that I wasn't demanding and that my expectations were legitimate. Still, his constant need to play games bothers me a little. I don't mind if it's once a day for an hour or too, but he will spend 10 to 15 minutes with the family, and then go play a game, and then spend another 10 or 15 minutes, and then a game...and so on. I have things that I would rather do, but I put my son first, and I put my relationship first. I try to keep the house clean for us and for our son. I play with our son all day, and then am expected to watch him most of the night as well. Because of his attitude towards my friends, I have little social life. When I suggest that we leave our son with my parents so we can go out or have time off, he claims that my mother is abusive and doesn't want to leave him there. He doesn't seem to understand, despite my efforts to communicate it, that I need time away from my son so I can also replenish and have personal space. This sort of problem is not constant. Sometimes we will have a week or a month when things look promising, but it doesn't take long for his habits to fall back into place and leave me taking on most of the responsibilities. I am about to start a full time job, and honestly can't wait.

I fear that we are making each other unhappy. We want to stay together so our son will grow up healthy - mentally and physically. It is difficult, though. My partner hates living in the state that we live in and wants to move. I have supported him in this, but have told him that he needs to make it happen because he tends to talk instead of doing. I'm tired of picking up the slack and being the one to make things happen, so I refuse to waste energy on an unnecessary, and possibly disastrous, move.

I am not sure if he would act differently towards someone else if he and I were to break up. I think his core personality is quite selfish. His ex and I have communicated a lot, and my partner talks about their relationship in great detail. She apparently didn't feel like he cared about her, because he was distant and analytical towards her and their relationship issues as well.

Maybe I should just give up and move on? Maybe it's not the gaming that really concerns me...but the fact that he might feel trapped in a lifestyle that doesn't suit him. Honestly, I would rather be in a relationship with someone who is interested in parenting WITH me, rather than doing the bare minimum to simply slide by. I am someone who strives to be the best person I can be. He doesn't seem as enthusiastic about growing, and would rather talk about how he already knows everything he needs to know. It's frustrating.

Sorry for the rambling...I think you guys helped me actually get to the core of my dilemma, rather than placing blame in certain areas. Now I feel like even if he was to give up gaming forever, it wouldn't make him any more interested in being a good partner or parent.

Sigh. And I still don't want to leave him.

[Invest]

Hello lazy!

I just read your post and I feel exactly like your boyfriend! Although I dont have a kid yet I am in a wonderful relationship with a great and lovely woman. And I LOVE video games! Ive been playing since I was 12, now Im 27 and video games are the only things on earth that keeps me entertained, that gives me some interesting tasks to do and that makes me feel great. I am also a loner, but I work as a successful programmer and I am in the last year of my field of study. My girlfriend and I already broke up for 6 months because I kust wanted to play games then - no wait, I did not play I just WANTED to play all the time and couldnt think about NOTHING else! I was addicted and obsessed and coulndt care less about my GF. When we broke up I really felt that a part of my heart has gone and I cried all the time. Today its better, I can go out with my gf again but still I will never give up playing games because it safisfies my so much like nothing in the world (except my gf) and my gf and I just need to handle this. Gaming is my lifestyle, its what fits my character. I would totally write more to help you and make you understand my gaming point of view eventually but my train arrives now and I need to get out. Let me know your thoughts please :-) greetings Invest

[Invest]

Here I am again. To clarify this: we are in a relationship now again. But i needed to learn to set Priorities! My gf will always be more imPortand than the pc. And sometimes i need to completely stop the gaming if i feel it gets excessive again. Anyway, gaming can be something very awesome but it should never be the Only activity! There is a life next to gaming. So let me tell you my advice, the only thing that helped in my case. My gf tried everything, really everything, before this last step: she broke up the relationship. In the months after that i realized what i had and wanted her back more than ever. I realized that she is my treasure and no game can give me what she can give me. I stopped playing for 6 months and then we came back together. I was so addicted. Today i play again bur as soon as i see that my mind can only think about games i need to stop. You may not believe it but in my latest phase i had only video games in my mind. I only saw gaming vids on youtube, wanted to know everyhing bout the newest games. I didnten even play so much but also watched alot other people playing games (stream or youtube) today everythin is better and i enjoy life again. Also i think i would totally stop playing video games if i had a child. I wanna be a good father. (i have no kids yet like i said) oh train stop - let me know your thougts please. Greetings invest

[LazyLogophile]

Invest, thank you for your response! I really appreciate hearing your point of view. The two of you seem to have a lot in common. He took programming in college for a long time, and is very good at it, but decided against it because the amount of time you have to spend going back through all the code you wrote if there is a mistake, or a glitch somewhere. It's a frustrating job that doesn't get the credit it deserves. Most people think programming is easy, but I also took a few programming classes and have written several websites from scratch and know first-hand how time consuming and headache-causing it can be. So, I totally respect your chosen line of work.

As far as the love of video games goes, I am exactly your age and understand that our generation, and the generation before us, views gaming a lot differently than the baby boomers. We all grew up with video games, either on a console or on the computer, and we don't view it as a sign of immaturity to like playing video games until your 90 years old. It's recreational, just like playing soccer or the piano. You build problem solving skills, hand-eye-coordination, and focus. I appreciate all of this. As I said before, I used to be a pretty serious gamer. I almost went pro. I was in training, and doing tournaments every weekend while I was working full time and going to school. But I also learned from that experience. I saw how consumed I became with my gaming, and how I would let my other responsibilities - like time with my boyfriend (now my ex), attention at work, and motivation to do school work - fall to the sidelines so I could game more. That isn't healthy.

My boyfriend is pretty good about spending time with us now, but he wasn't for a over a year. He still plays games a lot, in my opinion, which I am OK with, but I don't like how it affects his attitude. If he doesn't get his gaming time he is irritable and sulky, which I find unattractive because he is a man who needs to be focused on taking care of and spending time with his family. He is in his mid-thirties, and should be able to prioritize by this point in his life. I love to game, but do I spend that much time gaming? No. I spend it with my son instead. I sneak a game or two in here and there on the weekend so I can allow myself to have some frivolous fun, but I know that if I become too involved in a game I will neglect my family, and my family comes first! I suppose I am frustrated because I completely understand his desire to play, I really do. I have been there. I just wish his priorities were more inline with mine, that he could find the same pleasure in spending time with his family that he finds in video games. There is MORE satisfaction to be had with real human interaction than can ever be experienced in the virtual world of a game, but you have to be open to that and understanding that life is a game with no clear "win" or "lose". In a video game you can virtually build yourself into a God-like thing, so good at the game that you become unbeatable. But life isn't like that. It is more complex. I think that gamers, in general, have a personality that seeks shelter in a video game with clear-cut rules to escape the complexity and hardships of real life. Our family needs a MAN, someone who will face these hardships head-on and work with us as a team to overcome them and progress forward, making our lives better rather than complaining about it.

That's just my two cents. You seem to understand that having a child will require a dramatic shift in priorities, and I'm glad that you were able to understand what excessive gaming was doing to your relationship and then you DID SOMETHING about it. That gives you an A+ in my book, for what it's worth. I make mistakes, I know my boyfriend will make mistakes. We will take each other for granted sometimes, take our son for granted sometimes, and that is normal. I just want a partner who will recognize when this is happening and take the necessary steps to even things out again. I hope that makes sense.

I just took a full time job, so my son will need to go to daycare during the day. I can only hope that this new, busier, lifestyle will encourage him to wake up and see how precious his time with his family is, and how insignificant his video games are in comparison.

Thanks again for your reply and perspective. I wish you the best in fatherhood, when that time comes, and I hope that this post will encourage you to take that responsibility seriously at that time. Life is too short to neglect the people who love you and are there for you so you can play your video game for one more hour.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by LazyLogophile

You build problem solving skills, hand-eye-coordination, and focus. I appreciate all of this. As I said before, I used to be a pretty serious gamer. I almost went pro. I was in training, and doing tournaments every weekend while I was working full time and going to school. But I also learned from that experience. I saw how consumed I became with my gaming, and how I would let my other responsibilities - like time with my boyfriend (now my ex), attention at work, and motivation to do school work - fall to the sidelines so I could game more. That isn't healthy.

It is not so much other responsibilities being dropped that we baby boomers object to :-) but the alleged social interaction isn't "real". Your boyfriend has not and is not learning to interact with other actual people (like your friends) or people in a wide variety of activities. The constant gaming, too, becomes a habit that can't be broken easily any more than an addiction can and he will never get that time "back" to learn what he might have liked to know.

Eye-hand coordination and focus for what? More gaming. It's great if you're a toddler/young child and need to learn eye-hand coordination and focus but one has that (or wouldn't enjoy gaming) by the time they're adults. Getting "better" is only for that task, not all tasks needing eye-hand coordination (he can't play tennis better can he?).

I would ask him to radically re-think his current life (you and your son, his work/school, whatever) and what he sees himself doing/being in five years and then make your decision on what you see yourself doing/being in five years if they "match" well enough.