[Idealsummerluvv]

Hi,

There is a severe lack of communication between my husband and I.
And I can't seem to break thru.

When all he wants to talk about is the bills and complain about our 20 year old son- part of me shuts down.

We've been together since 1988.
I keep thinking this should be easier or else there is something really wrong with me. I know I tend to isolate anyway (I have depression). He is also a sober alcoholic with no program.

I keep thinking about how you can't get bread from a hardware store and worry that, even though he is sober- what if I can't get from him what I am trying to get?

Hope this makes sense to someone.

[lynn P.]

I'm sorry you're both having a hard time. I think you both would benefit from 2 things. Most people and couples don't know 'how to fight fairly' - most of us have experienced fighting and end up hurting or getting hurt. I'll leave you a good PC article, with a set of guidelines to fighting fairly and this can be used in any relationship.

Since you back down and retreat from serious discussion, you both can agree to a set time or day to discuss issues. Since your son is part of the problem, you both along with your son need to address what's the solution. Since you said he wants to discuss the bills, this indicates some financial stress and another common problem for people -- which is not knowing how to properly handle money. Reach out for some common sense financial counseling and come up with a budget. Write down everything you both spend money on and see where you can cut corners.

Next problem is, him finding an outlet for his past substance abuse. The more he feels in control of this, the less stressed out he'll be in other areas of his life. The problems won't go away, therefore retreating will only cause more frustration, as the problems increase. Best of luck to both of you.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd/2...relationships/

[Confusedinomicon]

Maybe you can try and do small activities together?

My parents have been together about as long as you have. They don't do a LOT together, but they set out a period of time everyday to watch t.v./movie/talk about politics. They will also make dinner for one another sometimes, too. My sister and I don't live with them, either. (We're 19 and 22 respectively)

My dad is a recovering alcoholic (17-18 years?) and he volunteers a lot. It bugged my mom in the beginning but she realized it helped in his recovery and self-worth.

Also your son is old enough that he should respect both of his parents. If he can't follow your house rules you should kick him out.

[IceCreamKid]

[QUOTE=Idealsummerluvv;2249341][COLOR=Indigo][FONT=Fixedsys]Hi,

There is a severe lack of communication between my husband and I.
And I can't seem to break thru.

When all he wants to talk about is the bills and complain about our 20 year old son- part of me shuts down.

We've been together since 1988.
I keep thinking this should be easier or else there is something really wrong with me. I know I tend to isolate anyway (I have depression). He is also a sober alcoholic with no program.

I keep thinking about how you can't get bread from a hardware store and worry that, even though he is sober- what if I can't get from him what I am trying to get?

Hope this makes sense to someone.

It does make sense although I would ask which of you is the hardware store? While you are worried about not getting from him what you are trying to get, is your husband also frustrated that you don't want to listen to him talk about the bills and his concern for his son? I can't help but think that for the two of you better communication might start with the obvious; listening to him talk about the bills and your son. I wish you and your husband the very best. I encourage you to tell him how proud you are of his sobriety.