Hi I'm new and could use some input

Hi I'm new here and looking for some input from someone who may struggle with the same problem as me. Long story short, I was dating this boy 20+ years ago and when he left for boot camp, he stopped keeping in touch regularly so I assumed that meant he just "wasn't that into me". I was hurt, but I didn't let it keep me down for long. I started dating a friend of his casually. He suddenly remembered I existed when he came home from boot camp and while he did say he was sorry, but overall acted like no time had passed since we last spoke. But it had been over a year. I let this go because I was just happy to see him. When he left again for his new duty station, the contact from him dwindled again and I was really confused, hurt and frustrated. I began seeing the friend again and wrote army guy a letter telling him that I didn't think we should be together anymore because he didn't take me seriously as his girlfriend. About a year later, I married the friend and we were together for 19 years. One day my son and I were in this mountain town taking in the scenery and surprise surprise, there's army guy after all these years! We exchanged numbers and began talking by phone and text. We also saw each other a couple of times and started talking to each other like we were back together again. I had mentioned that my marriage didn't work out and that I was just trying to get my life back in order and be a good mom. Well 3 months had gone by since we started seeing each other and talking again, then as soon as he sees my last name, he texts me "so you did marry "m" huh?" I answered yes and that I thought we had already established this. About 5 minutes pass then I get another text from him saying "I'm sorry, but here's the "let's just be friends" speech". That was the last time I heard from him and I'm crushed. It's been 2 and a half months and he won't answer any of my texts so I'm trying to just let it go. I still can't help thinking about what the hell happened and what did I do to deserve such cold dismissal? I keep thinking it had to be my fault and how do I fix it. Any advice on how to stop this rediculousness and just forget? I developed some pretty intense feelings for him during our brief few months of seeing each other, but his actions tell me that they aren't mutual. Please help me rationalize this foolishness. 20 years has passed and he still can't get over it? Or maybe I'm the one with the problem. I just don't get it. Haven't we all done things in the past that we regret? How long do I have to pay?

Hi ~ It sounds to me that this last time was because he saw your last name, and found out that you had married his friend. He wasn't very pleased with that for some reason, and he just "split." Yes, it's childish, but he hasn't acted as an adult for the last 20 years! He kept finding you and then disappearing over and over!

He's bad news, dearheart. I think you'd continue to get hurt by this guy. I hate to say it but you're better off without him. You'll find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated -- with respect!

Please take care of yourself, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Ouch. No it doesn't sound to me like you're the one with the problem, except maybe giving too many chances. I've been in a similar situation and while the logical part of me said "fool me three times, shame on me twice" that doesn't do much to stop the pain while you're in it.

He does sound immature or commitment phobic or a combo of the two. But it sounds like that's just the way he is and probably has nothing at all to do with you--I mean certainly there's a reason he is still single 20 years later and it's not about you.

I agree though it's best to move on from this one. All the best to you in your healing.

Hello, I'm really sorry to hear about your heartache It sounds like he might have afflicted himself with some jealousy or envy upon realising you'd married a friend of his, perhaps he felt a bit foolish too considering he didn't know about it all this time. My opinion based upon what you explained is that he's selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. If he truly cared he wouldn't have dismissed you out of his life like that, so I agree with the other two responses that you're better off without him.

I'm wondering, how often did you think of him while you were with your husband? Did you still have feelings for him during your marriage, or was it only after you broke up with your ex that the feelings came back?

As far as the pain you're in at the moment, I know it's so cliched to say, but time really does heal. It may take another 6 months to a year, but try your hardest to keep your mind off him. Try joining a community group or use a social networking site to make some new friends, and one day something inside you will click and you'll think 'why did I even like him in the first place?' That's how I tend to get over my heartaches, and it always seems to work for me. I wish you all the best over the coming months and hope the right man enters your life sooner rather than later.

x

Hi Dan,
Thanks for the input. As for your question, I thought of him off and on throughout the 19 years of my marriage, wondering how he was, if he settled down, had kids etc. But I wondered that kind of stuff about all of my old friends and exes. It was only when we started seeing each other again that those feelings came back. I'm just really hurt because I was genuinely enjoying getting reaquainted as adults all these years later, and I thought he was too. But like the other posters said, there's a reason that he broke off his engagement after a 3 year relationship, and broke up with the girlfriends he had after her. He told me it was because they "thought" they were in love, but it "didn't feel right" and that's why he broke off the engagement. He then proceeded to tell me that he's never been in love but he'd "give it all up if he could". I think he's just really immature and a commitment phobe, but I just can't get my head around his cutting me off at the knees without even giving me a chance to have my say. I didn't want to marry him, I just wanted to continue getting to know each other and see where it might go.

HI Sadness

Yes he may be a commitment phobe but as previous posters said it may be best to stop any contact even if you see him again. My first impression from reading your first entry was that he was also playing mind games with you. Those kind of people give them a wide berth. Look for men that are honest and commited to you. Avoid immature men who havne't got their **** together.