[jonnyHOPELESS]

Late this September, my girlfriend of two years left me. She decided we needed to "take a break" and two weeks later, she decided she didn't want to be together with me anymore. She showed up at my apartment to give me some things back and I haven't talked with her since. I've tried to call her, I've texted her, I even sent her a letter via snail mail and I haven't heard a single thing from her in over four months.

During our relationship, she had hid some things from me (she smoked and got drunk once and slept with another man), and we had some bumps, but it seems like we always bounced back. We had always talked about getting married and having two kids and I couldn't have been happier. She is the love of my life and without her, I feel like there is a big part of me missing. I've been diagnosed with depression and since she left me, I lost my job. I often have trouble sleeping and no matter how many hours I sleep, I always wake up feeling tired.

Everything reminds me of her. She drives a common car, so every time I see a Taurus, my mind wanders, thinking it might be her. She works as a hairdresser in the mall I used to frequent, but now I can't go there because I'm afraid of bumping into her and collapsing. I also haven't gotten my hair cut since because it's just so hard to cope with. I'm lost.

I often wonder what would happen if I were to just die. I don't think I'm suicidal, since I'm too chicken to off myself, but I have just lost all will to continue to live. Due to having no income, I can't get help. I've tried therapy, but after three sessions with three different therapists, I didn't feel like they cared, or that they could help. Quite frankly, I've lost all hope.

So here I am, trying to gain something from nothing, hoping that maybe there's help out there for me.

[Leed]

I'm so sorry this happened. I think all of us at sometime or another has lost someone we loved.

You have got to find some help someway. You really need to speak to a therapist. I know you have no income, but perhaps you can apply for assistance? Depression can be a serious illness, and needs taking care of. Just because you didn't hit it off with 3 therapist, doesn't mean there isn't one out there that you CAN relate to. Many times we have to keep looking for one that we can talk to. I had the same trouble thru the years --- I couldn't find one that felt really "good." Finally, after going thru about 4, I found THE one, and she really helped me. I stayed with her for a long time.

When you break up after a long-term relationship, you have to grieve, much like a death. You go thru the same phases such as shock, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. It takes quite awhile to get thru the grief -- give yourself some time. And try to keep as busy as possible -- develop a new hobby, or make new friends. I know you don't feel like doing much right now, but force yourself. You'll be glad you did.

I wish you the very best. Please take good care of yourself. God bless. Hugs, Lee

When you lose someone you love it's normal to feel horrible and depressed. Let yourself feel the pain. When you try and mask the pain you make recovery that much harder. Loss and pain are part of life. You are going to feel bad right now. Talk to friends and keep looking for a therapist.

Hugs

[needfixing]

grieve as much as you want, but find an outlet too so the loss won't consume you.
cheating on you regardless if she was drinking or not she knew what she was doing.
she totally disrespected your relationship.
leaving you all of the sudden, and not returning any of your messages makes me believe someone else is telling her what to do.

No wisdom to offer really other than im so sorry this happened to you and i hope you manage to bounce back soon. Is there nothing at all, perhaps something you really like doing that will help energise you a bit and help preoccupy your attentions? Have you looked into other ways of maybe being able to access a different therapist or even counselling? It sounds like you might need to be put on medication but of course you will need to get evaluated first. Good luck getting the help you need and please don't give up, you deserve to get better and everyone on here is certainly rooting for you. Sending hugs (if ok)

[Lexie82UK]

I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. My boyfirend of 3 years has broken up with me telling me he doesnt love me and never did. He told me he wanted it to work so badly but knows it wont. I'm a total mess too. I've only been in Canada for 7 months (im from the UK) and I moved here to be with him. Now im the one having to move out, ive just started a new high preasure job a week before he split with me and all of my family and friends are 1000's of miles away from me. lean on your friends as much as you can - they will love you and want to help you. just know you're not alone; i understand exactly what you are going through and the pain is unbearable.

[jonnyHOPELESS]

Originally Posted by needfixing

leaving you all of the sudden, and not returning any of your messages makes me believe someone else is telling her what to do.

That's what's eating me up inside. I really think she left me only because her friends told her to. We were working on some bumps in our relationship (I was a bit too needy) and that's just what you do in a relationship. But I think she got in a bit too close with her friends (who are all single, mind you) and she just wanted to live the single life.
I've tried so hard to reach out to her and it's killing me that she isn't contacting me back, or answering the phone. I haven't called her since November, but being unemployed, all I do all day is sit on my couch and think about her. Even when I try to mask my feelings with something I enjoy, it all comes back to thoughts of her.

I think I would feel a little bit better if I were able to talk to her. I'm not over her and I don't know when I will be able to be. It's been a long time and it hurts so much. I break out into tears often and living is just too hard to handle, especially with Valentine's Day coming up.

I'm taking anti-depressants and have been for a month and a half, but I don't think they are doing much of anything to help me. I really don't have any friends, either, other than my roommate. He's never had issues with dating, so he doesn't really want to hear my complaints, so I'm just ... so very lost. Every day is a constant struggle.

[needfixing]

focus on yourself. why not go for a hike, or bike ride just to feel alive again. can you afford to go to school? do you have a hobby that you like?
i feel talking to her will only make you more upset cuz she changed a lot due to her selfish friends.

[Open Eyes]

(((((johnnyHOPELESS)))),

I dated a guy for 6 years when I was young and he broke my heart too. Now, looking back, I was very upset and now that I think of it was depressed for a while about it too. Back then I honestly didn't even think about the fact that I was better off having him leave me rather then me marrying him and later have to experience an ugly divorce. He actually went through this with someone else.

I know that it can be hard to see right now, but you must try to see that there is a bright side. The other thing your not seeing is that your relationship with this person gave you practice in having a relationship. Eventually down the road you will begin to see the warning signs. What it does mean is that you are lovable and capable of engaging in a relationship, this person was simply the wrong one for you, that is all.
You CAN meet someone else that is much more deserving of your efforts, as well as a much better candidate for that comitment of having children down the road.

Ok, lost your job? What about furthering your education, investing in yourself somehow. Taking some classes may give you an opportunity to meet MISS JUST RIGHT FOR YOU out there. Your certainly not going to meet this MISS RIGHT laying in bed and grieving for someone who was NOT MISS RIGHT after all.

And look, you not alone, there is Lexi who has been experiencing the same scenario.
This CAN and DOES happen to people ALL the time. Neither one of you are alone, too bad this wasn't a place where you just happen to bump into each other outside PC.
One never knows where that significant other may present him/herself. I am sure your both good people, but you just met up with the wrong person that somehow isn't the right one for you.

There are THOUSANDS of people roaming the earth, someone is out there for each of you. That is what I believe.

Open Eyes

[jonnyHOPELESS]

I feel like everybody is saying "there's hope" and "there's somebody else out there for you," but I don't see it. I don't feel it. I wake up every morning and she's still the first thought in my head. I can't get her out of my mind. The anti-depressants don't seem to be doing anything and I'm just sitting around, counting the hours until I go back to sleep.

[Open Eyes]

(((((johnnyHOPELESS)))))

It takes time johnny to get over someone, it doesn't happen overnight, the posters here do realize that. Personally I was trying to tell you that, yes, you do need to have hope. But you also have to find a way to not base your life on another person johnny. None of us should depend on someone else making us happy to be honest.
I think that you have to try to think about yourself and what you can do to improve yourself. We simply don't meet partners just by watching the hours tick away until bedtime. Try to devote some of your day to looking for something that can add to your life in some way. It could be a class somewhere learning anything new.

I am just trying to be helpful, I know what it is like to lose direction in life. I know that it isn't easy to find a path again but you have to do your best to try something more than just allowing yourself to feel so hopeless.

Personally I try not to feed into my own issues. I struggle with depression that is related with my PTSD and I also am dealing with some troubling losses and ongoing issues. I try to find anyway possible to provide my brain with other ways of pulling it away from constantly circling around my own issues. I post to others here like I am doing with you. I remember the times when I did work out of troubling times in my life. If all I can manage is vacumming the floors in my home or doing something productive at all, I do it and consider that I did something positive that day. You could try to talk with a therapist too, it does help. Keep trying a little everyday.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[jonnyHOPELESS]

You know as much as I think I'm ready to get over her, everything is a reminder of her. I'll dream about her all the time. It's constantly shoved in my face by the whole world. How do I get over that? I'm not trying to argue, but I'm just trying to get a grip on things. Nothing seems to help.

I've heard many people saying that I need to concentrate on myself, but I'm not sure what that really means. I'm tend to be a selfish person, but I always am looking for her. Not exactly my ex, to say, but "the one." I just don't feel like my life is going anywhere and I'm in a deep rut.

[gma45]

I am sorry you are hurting, it sucks! You must feel like you need closer as she just up and left, no real reason that you know of right? I think she does owe you an explanation, it might be hard for her too. You really need to take care of yourself though, nobody want's some one that just sits around all day feeling sorry for themselves. Maybe it is time to get back to work the busier you are the easier it will be to move on or just forward. Life can be good again. Take care

[Open Eyes]

((((johnny))))),

It sounds like you have more than just this ex bothering you. I know this might sound tright but, I think that you may benefit by finding a good therapist that you can work on some things that you may not be recoginizing on your own. I work with a therapist myself and he has been such a help to me. Though I have had my struggles with him, he has been so helpful in working with me to see some of my issues and why these issues are there.

As you have admitted here, you have been trying but you can't seem to get out of this rut. That is because your just not seeing HOW to help yourself. So when that happens anyone who struggles like your struggling has to find someone else to help them see what they can't seem to see.

It is like anything else you could not fix on your own you would hire someone to fix it for you or teach you how to fix it. Whether it is a leaky pipe, a broken furnace or a vehicle that wont run right, there are people who can help you fix these things. Well therapists are there to help you with your own issues as well.

" How do I get over that? I'm not trying to argue, but I'm just trying to get a grip on things. Nothing seems to help." quote johnnyHopeless

The above statement is exactly what I am talking about in this post to you my friend.
It was pretty much my own opening statement when I first sat down with my therapist.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[jonnyHOPELESS]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It sounds like you have more than just this ex bothering you. I know this might sound tright but, I think that you may benefit by finding a good therapist that you can work on some things that you may not be recoginizing on your own. I work with a therapist myself and he has been such a help to me. Though I have had my struggles with him, he has been so helpful in working with me to see some of my issues and why these issues are there.

The trouble with that is that I'm unemployed, so I have no source of income. Therapy is expensive and after paying three separate therapists for one session each to find out that they didn't meld with me put a large hole in my pocket.

@gma45 - I think that if I had some closure, I might feel better. I want to talk to her. I want to see her, but I know that's just going to open a pandoras box of emotions.

I was looking through my files on my computer for a picture of myself to send to a relative and stumbled across pictures of us having fun and I broke down. Not to mention, it's Valentine's Day, it was not a good day for me. The second I saw her smiling face, I started shaking and crying. Still not feeling like I'm getting any better.

[Open Eyes]

Well, I understand the desire for closure all too well. But even if your ex does give you some feed back it may only serve as you wanting to say "Yeah But" back and you may still feel like you have not gotten closure.

Often in a situation like this the other person may not really have a "one big answer" that your looking for or can accept. It sounds to me like she obviously doesn't want any more interactions with you and it may very well be due to her own inability to define the reason. The reason could be that she somehow had outgrown you or felt that you could not truely meet HER needs somehow. She may not truely know how to explain it to you, may fear that you will only want to find a way to continue the relationship in which she apparently has no interest in doing.

I am sorry that you dont have the answers. But it seems like you have tried to contact her and she is just not responding. Unfortuanately we cannot MAKE other people give us what we need.

All you can do at this point is write to her and tell her that you miss her and you would like to know what happened or if you did something wrong that your not aware of. You can tell her that you will accept her choice but that you just want some closure. And if she still doesn't respond then you have to settle for that and move on somehow.

Open Eyes

[jonnyHOPELESS]

I'm very conflicted. There's days where I want her back in my life (the majority of the time) and there's times where I just want to know why. Why it all ended so quickly. Why her feelings changed. Why she could go from talking about getting married and having kids, from living together for the rest of our lives to having nothing to do with me.

You have to realize that she was my best friend. I talked to her every day and saw her more frequent than anybody in my life and that just was halted instantly. I go back on myself all too soon thinking of how it all ended and I just wish I hugged her. I wish I said I was sorry for everything. But I didn't. I tried to stand my ground and act tough. I walked away from her. The last thing I said to her was "I love you and I always will, though I wish I could stop right now." And now I have nothing.

I've weighed my life on pen and paper today. What I've got going for me and what I don't. The only thing that I've got going for me that I could come up with is seeing my little sister grow up. That's it. The negatives completely outweighed the positives.

[Bmee2]

Originally Posted by Lexie82UK

I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. My boyfirend of 3 years has broken up with me telling me he doesnt love me and never did. He told me he wanted it to work so badly but knows it wont. I'm a total mess too. I've only been in Canada for 7 months (im from the UK) and I moved here to be with him. Now im the one having to move out, ive just started a new high preasure job a week before he split with me and all of my family and friends are 1000's of miles away from me. lean on your friends as much as you can - they will love you and want to help you. just know you're not alone; i understand exactly what you are going through and the pain is unbearable.

Awe i am so sorry Lesie8.
i imagine you are feeling very alone with your family so far away. i hope your job can help you gain a friend or two;if not i hope it provides a little distraction. i have no helpful advice...just a lot of sympathy for you and the author of "She's gone...."

[Open Eyes]

Well johnny, maybe you should get a pad out and write down some possible changes you could make in your life that may add to that positive list. What could you go out and learn? What kind of hobby could you take up? Could you join some kind of support group, or social group, or book club?

Was your only interest this woman? That is not healthy, puts too much presure on the other person, you may have been depending on her too much and she got tired of that.

Geez, your only 24? That is still so young. And your writing down the negetives in your life? Well, you have not really lived yet johnny. You havent give yourself a chance. At 24, whoa, I didn't know who I was really, that is too young to really know that yet. You need to put yourself out there more IMO.

Open Eyes

[seeker1950]

Oh...been there/done that, Jonny! I actually joined Psychcentral after a major heartbreak, several years ago. Like you, I had tried some therapy, and felt much as you did, that it was fruitless and the counselors didn't really care...but, hey, they were doing their jobs to try and see WHY I was so fixated on one person and SO obsessed. I didn't want to hear! In the therapy defense, they have to take time to set the groundwork, and only those dedicated to it can reach improvment. Instead, I just wallowed in my grief for an inordinately long, long time, putting one feeble step in front of the other, then taking two steps back, moving around like a zombie, thinking I would see him on campus where I was working on my M.A. etc, etc.
I suspect you are rather young. Don't take offense when people tell you that you will get over this. You will, but maybe it will take a long time. The amount of time is up to you. You can allow yourself to grieve as long as you feel the need. Be kind to yourself!
There are relationships I still look back upon, and from which ....at the time...I thought my life was over. It was NOT! And those were very traumatic at the time, some impacting my lifelong decisions, some of which were wrong ones. In retrospect, I see that all the bad hurts made me who I am, a mature woman with insight and compassion. Being alone for while is not the worst thing to happen. This can be a time for personal development and true growth.
Patty

[Blondboy44]

Jonny, I know you are in a tough place and I understand that because when I was a young man it happened to me and I was distraught. I just suggest you start looking elsewhere--big time. Go places where there lots of women! The more you meet, the more likely you will find someone else and get her out of your mind. Good luck.

[jonnyHOPELESS]

You know, my roommate was telling me the same thing, Blondboy44. I'm not a social bug, so I don't go to bars or socialize very much. So I joined a couple dating sites. A week later and several messages sent, I've gotten nothing back. NOTHING. And all of this leads back to me wanting to be back with her more.

Why can't I get better?!

[jonnyHOPELESS]

I couldn't stay asleep this morning, so I decided, instead of fighting sleep, I might as well just wake up. So I got up and figured that since I was up, I should do something productive and started cleaning the bathroom. Among going through the cabinets, I happened to stumble across a baggie of her hairpins. They were light bronze, just like her hair and I remember how she would put them in. I started sobbing instantly when I held them.

Something so stupid as hairpins and they still make me sob like a little baby. And what's worse is, now I don't know what to do with them. I wrapped them up and threw them back into the closet because I couldn't force myself to throw them out. Truly hopeless.

[Hoppipolla]

It's little things that creep up on you and smack you in the face isn't it?

8 years together. It's been 4 months for me, since she just stopped contacting me, then I found out she was seeing my friend, didn't even tell me, she put it on facebook...hurt like nothing before has.

4 months down the line, both our birthdays, the festive season and vals day and...nothing, haven't heard a thing from her, though i have not contacted her...couldn't handle the pain of speaking to her....and...I think about the detective columbo today, she loved him...god knows why,ha, but it's stupid things like this that haunt me. You are not alone in how you feel. Like i say, it's been 4 months for me and I realize i'm nowhere near over her and that I will never stop loving her...even though she betrayed me...it's about patience, self preservation and time...if it takes 8 months for me, so be it, I will wait and try to live day by day...you must do the same, don't be hard on yourself and let the pain wash over you...it will pass in time my friend.

[jonnyHOPELESS]

Hoppipolla, I can understand what you're going through, but eight years together is unfathomable to me. I think I would have killed myself if she were to leave me after that time. You're a lot stronger than me, friend.

I broke down in the shower this morning. It's such stupid things that make me sob. I ran out of my medication and it's hit me real hard. I'm constantly dizzy, I can't sleep, and I've been having these horrible lucid nightmares. The 19th of next month would have been our third year anniversary and the 18th is her birthday. I need advice. Do I call her? Do I send her a letter? Do I show up at her place and try to talk? I'm really afraid of what I'll do to myself by then (especially since I've become so effing dependent on my meds).