My boyfriend dismisses my spirituality, how can I talk to him?

I have been developing and working on my spiritual beliefs quite a bit more for a while now. I have always been somewhat spiritual and my boyfriend has always known this. He is not spiritual at all, and that's fine with me, not an issue.

The issue is, that I want to be able to be open and share this part of my life with him. I don't ever try to push my beliefs on him, and I actually do not talk about it that much at all. The times I have tried to share something with him, I am met with " haha, that isn't real", " That's just made up" , or "if that was real then (x) wouldn't happen". It leaves me feeling rather invalidated, and I feel like he thinks it's just silly. Honestly it hits me on a level of not feeling respected.

I have already told him that I would like to be able to share some of my thoughts with him, and that it is an important part of my life. I really don't know what more I can do, I don't want this to come down to me having to keep all my spiritual beliefs to myself, and not even be able to talk about it a bit. Which is pretty much how I feel at the moment. I am not fanatical, and I am not religious either. When he talks about his beliefs I do listen to him and ask questions, I am interested in what he believes, even if it is different than my own beliefs. I would like to feel supported in the same way.

Do any of you have any ideas on how I can communicate this ?? He tends to be quite defensive about stuff like this, and I really try to approach things in a way that avoids confrontation, but even then he still perceives it to be an attack. However I feel like when I try to hard to avoid conflict in communication with him, that a lot of times he doesn't really hear my message at all.

Thanks for reading, and any input, ideas, thoughts are appreciated.

It does not sound like he shares your beliefs or is interested in spirituality at all. So, why are you trying to share your beliefs with him; that's exactly what "pushing" feels like?

My husband does not care for or understand fantasy or want to; does not watch Harry Potter/fantasy movies with me, his eyes glaze over when I talk about fantasy novels I might be reading, etc. Why would I talk to him about my love of fantasy anyway when I know it does not interest him? He supports me in my desire to learn more about and enjoy fantasy but it is not his desire for himself. Find a friend who shares your interest in spirituality to talk to.

We can't make another person interested in what we're interested in and that you enjoy listening to his spiritual beliefs is because it is what you enjoy; interests don't transfer, tit for tat. What feels "open" to you and exciting and about you feels like you are pushing him, is boring, and/or he does not "get" that part of you (because he cannot). A man can only get so involved, interested, and understanding of his wife having a baby :-) The spiritual part of you does not have anywhere for him to "meet" you on his part.

I'm not asking that he be interested in my beliefs, I rarely even talk about it. What I would like, is that when I get excited about something I learned, that I am able to just briefly tell him about it, without being judged. That's a whole lot different in my opinion. When he's excited about a hockey game, I don't respond with " oh sports are just a silly waste of time".

All I want is to not have my beliefs put down. He talks about his, would it be okay for me to put his beliefs down? I just don't see how that is supposed to work.

I don't think him laughing at my beliefs is respectful. Which he does do. If am reading and he asks what I am reading about, when it's something spiritual he mocks it. I am not in any way being pushy, asking for long discussions, Or for him to be interested in what I am. If I cannot breifly mention my spirituality from time to time without being mocked or put down, that's a problem.

I hope that gives a clearer picture of what I am talking about. I think you misunderstood me. When you said that your husband isn't interested in your fantasy novels, but that he supports your interest and desire to learn more. Thats exactly all I am asking for.

Here is an example, last night he asked me what I was reading, I told him I was reading about karma and and energy, and how science might apply, that's all I said. He responded by first laughing, then saying karma isn't real, a bit of smirking and eye rolling, and then more coments about why it's silly and made up.

I don't want to argue it, so I just dropped the topic. I wasn't asking his opinion, or asking him to validate mine. I only answered his question about what I was reading.

But I still wonder, why do you open yourself up to his mockery by talking about something he feels distain for?

"What are you reading?"
"Nothing that I think would interest you." (said with a smile).

You know the football/sport advertisements on TV where the guys look "stupid"; why do they sell (beer, teeshirts, whatever)?

If he is immature in that area, don't express your vulnerability there? It's kind of like my girlfriend's dog; she took it to a dog park (large, friendly, Golden Retriever) and a big, mean dog attacked her and her dog did nothing! She decided to take it to training. The first task was to take a strap and "snap" it at/in front of the dog to sort of threaten the do so he growled. The trainer went around and demonstrated with each dog and when he got to her dog and did it, her dog put his paw up to "shake" If you are being disrespected, don't hang around in that "area"?

When he is being disrespectful, I would call him on that, let him know where your boundary is:

"When you said, 'chakras are silly,' I felt disrespected. I believe in chakras and if you are calling what I believe in 'silly' then I feel you are saying that I am silly [to believe in them]. I will not discuss my personal beliefs with you anymore if you do not treat what I have to say with respect." This gives him the option of explaining himself (as opposed to defending himself, which he cannot do because how you feel/felt is how you feel/felt and not something under his control or that he can dispute), apologizing and pledging to do better next time but also puts him on "alert" as to what will happen when/if he slips again.

The next time you are talking and he makes fun of what you are saying, of you, you instantly state, "I cannot allow you to treat me with disrespect, this conversation is over" and you get up and go somewhere else, away from him. Hopefully he apologizes and eventually learns to mind his mouth when later you are talking to him about what is important to you.

It is really hard to be with a person who does not respect you and your spiritual beliefs. I have had a struggle with my husband over a similar problem. I am becoming a more committed christian while he is not. I tell him that he is an independent human being and he is entitled to make his own decisions about things, but if he expects me to respect him, I expect him to respect my spirituality as well. Lately he has been much more open and interested at least and we are able to have a rational discussion.

Respect if fundamental to any relationship and I find there is serious damage to communication when it is lacking. I think it is important to establish a boundary here or you will find yourself in for more trouble down the road. If he really loves you, he will respect you. If he is self-centered and arrogant he probably will not.

"I just don't see how that is supposed to work" shows wisdom not lack of insight on your part.If you have meaningful spiritual beliefs they need to become an important part of who you are.Anyone who shows disrespect for and mocks even your superficial beliefs is displaying characteristics of an abuser,verbal and in time possibly physical.Why would anyone want to maintain any type of relationship with someone who consistently shows disrespect for them unless they want to be turned into intellectual putty?

He definitely is being immature and disrespecting your interests, but how is he otherwise? If he is like this in other ways, maybe you are upset because this is a symptom of a bigger underlying issue in the relationship. If he is otherwise respectful and loving, I say to just brush it off...take value in what you are and who you are becoming and don't worry about the naysayers...spirituality is intensly personal...maybe he had a bad experience with it growing up or has even confused it with religion. My boyfriend is intensely anti-religious (he grew up in a Muslim country)...I'm not religious either but would call myself somewhat spiritual. When he makes fun of my yoga classes or calls me Polyanna when I try to see the positive side of things, I just laugh inside and feel a bit sorry for him...He's otherwise a good guy and this rarely comes up, so I don't find it all that important....Besides, I make fun of him for playing video games and watching soccer....and it doesn't bother him at all.

I've been in this exact situation before, Anika, and it's brutal. I felt like every time he looked at me while I was reading, or tinkering with something, or if my friends were over and we started talking he would treat me like a child. Like he was better than me, and like I was an idiot for what I believed. It hurt, deep.

The way I solved it was I eventually broke, and just yelled at him every time he did it. I would go ballistic and tell him exactly how I felt and how it hurt whenever he brushed it off like it was nothing. How I felt like I suddenly became the stupidest child in the world. How I felt betrayed. How I felt belittled, and judged, and that would make me feel worse about myself. In hindsight, probably shouldn't have started yelling, but it got my point across.

My advice would be to sit him down, tell him exactly how it makes you feel when he responds that way, and ask him not to. Ask him to say stuff like "Oh, cool." or "oh, okay" when he asks questions about what you're reading. Or to try and be respectful. He needs to realize that it's his girlfriend he's talking to, not some random person on the street (although that's still inappropriate it's more socially acceptable). Try and figure out some basic stuff that he could stay instead. Be honest, and be firm about your feelings. Make it more about your feelings than beliefs.

Most of all, I think it is possible, but will be hard. I hope one day you two get to a point where you can talk about your beliefs and not be at each others throats, or hurting each other by accident or something. I find it scary talking about what I believe in now because of how my ex treated me for so long... but the funniest part is that after we broke up, he started looking into it and is now practicing the very thing he'd mocked for so long... and it annoys the hell out of me! But truly, I think it is possible but it's going to take some work on both sides (his more than yours based on what you're saying).

Another important thing is to find other people you CAN talk about this stuff with. Talking about spirituality is one of the best ways to get insight and knowledge into it, and it brings a sense of support and peace. I've never found anyone with the same beliefs, but I can talk about it with most of my friends, which is really nice. If you have other people who you can talk to, it'll help get the need to talk out a bit, and although it would be nice to talk to your bf about this, it would not feel like you're bursting to do it as much.

I think it's great that you're exploring your spiritual side btw Anika, and I want to tell you it'll be really rewarding. I always get a bit brighter as I study spiritual stuff, and I'm piecing together my own beliefs in a way to find who I am. It's really healing and enables you to reconstruct yourself to who you want to be, especially if you've gone through some tough times. Plus, I love the hunt for one's personal truth!

Good luck on your journey, and good luck with your boyfriend. I hope things work out for the best.

Thank you for all the input, to all of you.

I talked to him about again. And yes we are having other problems. I just talked to him about it calmly and non acusitory. But I did let him know how it makes me feel. He seemed receptive this time and he apologized. He said he understands why it bothers me and that he really didnt think about it, and never meant to hurt my feelings. More impotently he said he will stop doing it and that he doesn't think my beliefs are silly, just that he doesn't understand.

We've talked about my beliefs so little that he actually doesn't even know what my beliefs are. So I feel this talk was good, he actually started asking questions and tried to understand what I even actually believe. That felt rather good actually. Just to be acknowledged.

The biggest thing with my spiritual journey which I think he can appreciate is how much it has helped me in regards to my mental illnesses, and a vast improvement on my outlook on life. I know that the improvements effect him too.

He isn't a jerk or anything, sometimes he's a little immature, or just maybe behind me a little. We've had very different lives and I had to grow up rather quickly, but I think our communication is slowly improving.

I'm happy with the outcome, so I hope it keeps going smoothly in this area. Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply.

Switch, thank you for sharing that. That's exactly what I am trying to prevent. I don't want it to grow into something big. I did ask him to just say something like " oh, interesting" instead if he doesn't know what to say, or to just ask if he doesn't understand. I think this will get better.

I'm really happy for you Anika. I'm glad you guys talked about it. You're boyfriend doesn't sound like a jerk, really. And he sounds like he makes you happy... well, hopefully usually. I hope whatever other issues you guys have gets resolved too.

I'm glad my post helped! I'd hate for you to have to fall into the whole drama that it creates. I'm so glad you got to talk to him and explain to him what you really believe! I think that's awesome.

Best of luck and keep us updated.

I believe is a way to respect other not laughing about it, but did you ever think if you guys come across about other issues for instance, if you have kids and he might not agree with you on raising the kid this way, educate about something you believe and he doesn't what will happens?

Well I have 3 kids, he has no kids of his own. We've been together for five years, however we live separately. He is not spiritual or religious, and I am spiritual but not religious. I have taught my kids about many different religions, and concepts. I'm leaving that decision up to them tho, when they are older and ready to choose their own path. I teach them morals and values, and when it comes to that my bf and I are close enough in beliefs. So we have not had too many issues when it comes to the kids.

Thank you for bringing that up tho, because that is something for people to consider.

Be spiritual inside and love your boyfriend outside. Both of these are complimentary to each other.

Working through a similar issue myself from the opposite side. My wife and I both grew up in very religious homes and met in Bible college. We have sort of cooled off and drifted away from organized religion since then, up until our big marital blowup over the past few months. Since then she has taken a hard turn back into religion, becoming heavily involved in church etc. I'm still working through the "how could God allow this" stage from all the bad things I've seen happen to people who didn't deserve it during my career. With my mental illness I feel like if God is all that I've always been taught, and he controls everything, then he either did this to me or he allowed it to happen, and either way I'm not interested.

It's both a delicate balance and a two way street. My wife isn't pushing her new involvement in church on me, and I'm trying to learn about (or actually relearn things I already learned) her beliefs and why she feels as strongly as she does.

Best of luck to you in this tricky situation. May your spirituality help you to find peace as you seek a solution.

Since I posted this and him and I talked about it things, in this area have been so much better. He really made an effort to not mock my beliefs and it has not happened again. I am really really happy with this outcome. My boyfriend and I are very different and our interests are very different, but it's really nice to be able to talk to each other and both feel respected.

Bowhunt, that's really all you can do, see where the other person is coming from and respect that, hopefully your wife will do the same for you an in return you can both find a balance to this. I was raised in a very religious christian home. I don't beilve in god tho, so I'm really no help there. But we are all entitled to our own beliefs. I am sure because you were once involved in that religion that you have a good understanding about her beliefs. I think it would be much harder if you didn't have that experience.

I am still wishing the best for you! I'm glad that it sounds like you are both trying to work together.

they are your beliefs, so keep them to yourself

Asian,

You know, if I approached my relationship as, what's mine is mine and I should keep it all to myself, why would I be in a relationship at all? Is a relationship not about sharing, talking, supporting each other? I did point out that I rarely talk about my beliefs, to the point where he didn't even know what I believe.

I really do not understand your comment or what your point is.

It seems like some people do not understand this thread. I have never tried to make my boyfriend interested in my beliefs. I was only asking not to be disrespected for them. Apparently there is a belief that if you are spiritual at all, don't talk, don't show and do it in secret. That isn't the type of relationship I want. If I am asked what I am reading I want to be able to answer the simple question without being mocked. Is that really absurd? Do I really need to tone that down. Do I need to lie and say " oh I'm reading the manual for the toaster oven" instead of honestly just stating what I am reading?

Sorry but this seems frustrating. I am very sure if it were the other way around and I was getting mocked for not being spiritual people would be all in favor of having that choice respected.

hes not interested in spirituality, you are. why cant that be your own personal
thing?

I'm sorry. You either did not bother to read the thread, or you simply do not understand that being mocked by your partner is not healthy. If he asks what I am reading and then mocks me for it, that isn't really respectful, nor is it in any way asking for any of his interest. Sorry you can't understand that. I was asking for advice on how to communicate that I do not like being put down, mocked or made fun of by my significant other. It's quite simple regardless of the subject matter. I also mentioned how he does talk about his own beliefs, and I do listen when he talks. It goes both ways.

I am not going to hide my spirituality, pretend it doesn't exist, or any other thing that implies that I should be ashamed of my beliefs. I am not going to be in a relationship with someone who does not want to know who I am either. And luckily that is not the case. There is a massive difference between being who you are, and wanting to tell your life partner something interesting you read once in a blue moon, or forcing your self and beliefs upon them or constantly talking about it.. Which is not the case.

I listen to tons of hockey, video game, technology talk from him which are his interests, I will even join him sometimes if he asks, even tho I really don't like hockey or gaming. Relationships are a "two" way street.

I will not reply to more of your comments.

I have to second Anika on this one. Mockery is entirely different from respectful disagreement. Reasonable people can have differing opinions, but no one deserves to be mocked or forced to keep their beliefs hidden because someone close doesn't agree with them.