A little green monster

I have and still am struggling with some severe jealousy and territoral issues in my relationship

I love my bf more than anything, he is my best friend, my lover, I feel safe and happy with him, he treats me right and even after a year together gives me butterflies. I know some of my jealousy issues fuel from bf is my first, my first true love, I lost my virginity to him, and he is the first man I have ever trusted completely.

I do struggle with a lot of jealousy issues though, and they aren't getting better. I get huffy and mad if any women from his past get brought up. I get huffy if other women hug him or say hi (these are mutual female friends that are also in dedicated relationships or married).

I"m VERY insecure and due to a history of childhood sexual abuse from my uncle , some issues with my dad (in him asking for me to hide things and lie to my mother) , and being in an emotionally abusive relationship before being with bf (my ex would tell me all the time I wasn't pretty enough, that such and such woman he knew was so much prettier than me, would cheat on me constitantly etc) it has left me with a lot of emotional wounds that make me struggle to trust men or believe men can treat me well.

I don't feel like I am pretty enough, smart enough, etc for my bf, none of which these thoughts are fed by anything my bf does, he is constantly telling me how much he loves me, doing little things for me, telling me how beautiful I look etc.

I know my jealousy and trust issues are going to be a harm to our relationship in the long run if I can't get control over them, the thing is I know how toxic they are for me and the relationship I just can't control them sometimes, the best I can do is stuff them down and swallow them.

I hate women I don't know and will never know just because at one time they dated my bf. I avoid a certain store just because I found out my bf's ex works there and I asked bf to never go there either.

Bf lets me have my fits but he warns me they are toxic to me and he won't condone behavior like that, he wants me to see how childish it is and go talk to a therapist to get at the root of the problem.

I don't understand why I behave in such a manner, I am usually level headed and very matrue, but when it comes to this I loose all logic and end up in tears and having a fit. It fuels disagreements between us, and leaves a sour taste in my mouth for behaving in such a manner.

I don't understand it, and it makes me ashamed of myself, I need help, or ways to help control it. I will be hunting for a therapist in the area this summer once classes are out. For now I need suggestions for coping mechanisms or ways to overcome this little green monster so it doesn't destroy me.

You are right, some of this stems from you past and lack of control and not knowing how to gain a control of feeling safe. And yes, you are going to have to work on this in therapy.

Maybe you could have your boyfriend help you with this. Maybe you could have a secret password that you can use when this begins to happen that you could say to him. A word that tells him you are stuggling and need him to put his arm around you just to reassure you that he is there and you are safe.

Open Eyes

That is a great idea Open Eyes! I will suggest that to him. He is really supportive and we are trying our best to face it head on.

I have no qualms about going back to therapy. I guess I am just nervous to try and create a new bond with a new therapist. I would go see a campus therapist but in four weeks it would be summer break and since I don't take summer classes I can't use any campus services again till fall.

I just get overwhelmed and so caught up in it sometimes I don't realize what I am doing till I am too far in and already in the middle of an emotional break down or fussing at him.

Ok, well the good part typo is that you recognize that and now you have something to work on. And with a bf that has given you so much love and understanding you both can have a talk and work on trying to head it off before it gets out of hand.

To be honest typo, that was what you missed in your history. When we are growing up we are designed to learn when we feel unsafe in some way that a parent will help us address this with comforting soothing words and affection. So we gradually learn about calming down soothing and safety. When that is not there we struggle to learn that somehow and what can happen is what you experience, that inability to somehow keep uncomfortable feelings from escalating. I have to work on that too typo and now my husband helps me with that and it really does help.

So considering that your bf is suggesting therapy and he feels that would be good for you, well that is really nice because he is willing to be there while you get help. So, you and him COULD start by seeing if you can establish a safty signal where he takes that place of the soothing supporting parent you never had. And the goal will be to allow you to learn slowly to get to a point where that safety signal can be used less and less. And that is important because you true goal is to slowly gradually learn your OWN self control and NOT to become completely dependant on him, remember that ok? Because you do not want him to think that you will be totally dependant on him ok? Try to show him some improvements in gradually slowly working this troubled area through.
Good Luck, give it time it make not be perfect at first.
Open Eyes