[danwynter]

maybe this is shallow, but i feel like as long as i'm in the house with my parents, i cannot do what i really want in life, i cannot be who i really am. i've heard many stories which are worse than mine, but i think with all my experiences with them i can no longer function well. my father beat me up badly before, even threatened me that he would cut off my ear while holding scissors and i also experienced being shouted at in the middle of a compound while it was about midnight and he threatened me with a knife.
my mother, who i discovered last 2010 is not my real mother, i always received tounge-lashing from her. maybe it's nothing for her, but i can no longer stand it. now that i always feel irritated and tensed up for a reason i do not know, i always answer her back which puts me in trouble.
do i have the right to feel like this? i just feel imnot free. i want to live my life happily, but i cant because... im afraid?
uhm, i have financial problem and i do not know how i can pay my school accounts and get enrolled for next school year... so i do not know also how i could start. ive tried working but i messed up because i couldn't concentrate well and anxious in public. please give me some advise. thank you.

[Purple Heart]

Your family is toxic and your dad? Well he's very abusive and be careful oneday he may carry out his threats and cut you somehow. My advice: LEAVE ASAP. If you want to be happy you will have to leave asap.

[Leed]

You're in a tough situation. Are you in college or are you still in high school? I don't know how the educational system works there, so I'm not sure.

I agree that your family is toxic. It does seem that there is abuse going on! Obviously if you moved out, your schooling wouldn't be paid for anymore, and that would be a BIG problem. And I understand your anxiety, because after living in an environment like that it would be almost "normal" to suffer from anxiety! Can you talk to the counselors at school? Many times they are very helpful and are more than willing to speak with you. Give that a try for starters.

When you're at home, try to avoid your parents as much as possible. I know it's not easy, but that's about the only way you're going to "get along" with them. Try your hardest not to "sass" them or back-talk. Be as agreeable as you can --- yes, that's difficult at times but you need to be respectful. Everyone should be respectful of their parents even if they don't agree with them. I NEVER back=talked my parents -- I didn't DARE. I guess kids are different these days, cause kids are much more sassy than they used to be.

I know it's hard for you -- but you won't always be living at home. It won't be long, and you'll be out of school and on your own. So just do your best -- and God bless. Keep us posted on how you're doing, ok? Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

You feel how you feel but that can't help you with your financial problems? I would make a plan, if your father normally pays for your schooling, then accept that from him with respect but otherwise try to study/stay away from home except when you are required there. Treat your adopted mother with respect, no matter what she says to you, just practice hiding your feelings from these two, doing what is required but working on your plan to get out. If you have no other support you must accept money from them and do so with a modicum of thankfulness and acting like a dutiful son but then you can go out and find a job to support your own life.

[danwynter]

thank you for the words pals. i just went from school and learned that i have failed grades. i used to be an eager student, but now i can hardly concentrate. i don't know how to describe this but i always procrastinate and fantasize and think of a thousand and one things. i even act out my fantasies. when i dont do that when i feel the urge, i feel tensed up. and yea, im in college. but in every way i still act like a child.
now that i have failed grade, i do not know how to say this to my father. a part of me just wants to perish, i've been feeling like this for the longest time but no luck comes. that's why i feel like i just want to perish. i no longer know where to turn, every road has a block.
i dont know if i must share this but i try religion- they say this is the old form of psychotherapy.. i try to follow doctrines instead of following my subconscious pulls but at the end, i always lose. i think i must resolve my subconscious problems first. and please, i dont mean to scam, im just seeking reference... i am in dire need of financial support. i just want to change and experience life more... change my loose clothes, cracking shoes and go out once in a while. sometimes people look at me because of my looks... so please, will you give me advise where to look? i just want to feel a little more free... im having a hard time describing it, but as i passed by a shop a while ago, i felt like i miss going out like before when i still look better and had money.
now, it's not that we just have financial troubles, but i feel we scarce even the everyday needs. we're now buried in debts because my father's wage isnt enough to support all our needs, but my father doesn't know taht because even my mother is afraid when my father is angry.