[Screenager]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I'll just go ahead.

I'm 22 (female) and I've never had a relationship, and my self-esteem suffers greatly because of it. I used to think I was ugly and just not worthy of being loved because everyone around me had a partner and all I ever had were unrequited crushes. I still often feel that way, especially because of my looks (I'm a bit overweight and certainly no beauty queen), but this is often replaced by a somewhat angry feeling of "Why do others have love and I don't? I deserve this, too!" Most of the time I just feel desperate and lonely. I'm also diagnosed with depression and this is certainly one of the big factors contributing to it.

I guess the main reasons for the problem are that I'm a lesbian and most people I've had feelings for were straight women, so there was never a chance for a relationship; as well as the fact that I'm very very shy (I might have social anxiety), and yeah, maybe it matters as well that I'm not that attractive, like I've said.

Yesterday I read a Wikipedia article on "Incels" (involuntary celibacy) and it just made me further depressed. Among other things it spoke of the pressure of society on people in their 20s/30s to have sexual experience and that serious psychological consequences can arise if that isn't the case for someone (other people looking down on me for whatever resason is one of my biggest fears). The other part of it that especially got me down was the mention of how valuable and important sexual experience and "learning" is for a person's personal development, and how "destructive" it can be if one doesn't have that.
All in all, the article just made me feel like I'm lacking something crucial and that others might not accept me like this.

So I guess my questions are... Do you think it's weird/odd that I've never had a relationship and barely any sexual experience at my age? (I've made out with a few people over the years and almost had sex once) And do you think it's really a crucial problem for my personality that I'm lacking this?

[dailyhealing]

Thanks for posting this, and I think you posted it in the right spot. I had similar issues in my teens to what you talk about, though I am a guy and straight. But I don't think that part matters, the feelings were the same. I felt very unlovable and had low self-esteem because of my issues in this area. You mention that you are depressed and may have social anxiety. Have you had any treatment? Therapy? Meds? For me, talking about these things in therapy helped a lot. I'm sorry you are suffering and hope you find some comfort. One last thought, have you looked into online ways of meeting people. Not sure what they have in Germany, but in the U.S. they have sites that match people based on preferences. I would guess these sites have areas for gay people as well. Take care!

[SSaysRelapse]

Hello, thank you for posting.

I can definitely understand where you are coming from, as I have walked in your shoes. At 26, I am still working on myself. You have to work on YOURSELF before anything else. I have been told this many times just on this site and am only slowly realizing this fact myself. We may yearn for a relationship, or someone's feelings in particular, but the simple truth is, nothing will ever work if you are not in a good place. We cannot look at a relationship as a solution to our own personal problems, depression, anxiety, etc. Any relationship would only be sabotaged if either person in it is not stable and on their own two feet. Best of luck!

[Screenager]

Thanks for your replies.

dailyhealing: Yes, I'm currently seeing a therapist once a week. I've thought about meds, but I'm a bit skeptical towards them and my therapist never really mentioned/recommended medication.

I talk to my therapist about these issues, and she assures me that I'm a valuable person etc., but often it's just hard to believe.

As for dating websites, I've looked into that and even signed up for a few, also ones specifically targeted at gay people, but without much success. However, I've been e-mailing back and forth with a nice girl for a few weeks now who I also met online. It's just that we haven't met in "real life" so far, so I have no idea what will come of that... knowing my luck, probably nothing... but hey, never stop hoping, I suppose.

SSaysRelapse: I see what you mean, but right now this thought just makes me more hopeless. I find it so hard to work on myself and get through these struggles, and to think that I'd have to get all that out of the way before even considering a relationship, the one thing I yearn for so much... That thought just hurts. I always had this perfect vision that I'd find a girlfriend and everything that's wrong in my life would get better through that... but I suppose that's naive.

[Puffyprue]

Hi Screenager,

i agree with relapse, you need to work on yourself first , because if someone truly loves you physical not really matter and its there any gay/ lesbian community that you could join , i know a lot of my friend that are gay they are find their partner from friends of friends

[Screenager]

I talked to my therapist about this today and it did make me feel a little better at first. Now I'm back to being depressed and overanalyzing though. I wish I wouldn't define my worth by how others perceive me.