[tamir34]

Hi all,

We have been together 4 1/2 years, and have lived with each other for about 3 1/2 years.

We met in college, and fast became friends; there were definitely some dependency issues and we spent too much time with each other. I fell in love and pursued her; she resisted for a long time but we were best friends throughout. She was going through a lot of issues, she had been through a bad breakup, had been promiscuous in a destructive way. She had issues with being by herself as well. She led people on, manipulated them, used them etc.

Regardless, I fell in love and was a huge support to her in her life. She healed her traumas for the most part and became a stronger woman. I was helpful to her as a friend. What I got out of the relationship, was my own healing, excitement, love, and the joy of having a best friend I felt really understood me.

After we graduated, we went our separate ways. I went on a month long trip, and I was completely devastated because I wanted her. It hurt too much, and I didn't know if we could still be friends. A few months later, she suddenly had a change of heart and was turned on by me, she tells me how it was a choice she felt resistance around but she thought the idea was good and worth trying out. She described how she had a deep orgasm interacting with me through webcam, without actually touching herself...

I moved to New York to find work and be with her. We struggled for a while to connect as a couple, and the first time we had sex it was very awkward and she felt like maybe we shouldn't date after all (it was my first time).

Things got better, we both grew as lovers and we shared in deep passion for at least some moments. We have always stressed complete honesty and openness in our relationship.

She tells me now, how she can't be in touch with her heart and have sex with me without it feeling very wrong to her. She has developed a close friendship with someone and she feels very strong, romantic excitement with him. She loves me too much to cheat, but can't ignore the 'wrongness' she feels with me.

On my part, I feel like I've had my heart closed to the world where my passion is concerned. I would mostly do stagnant things like playing video games, going to work, eating, browsing reddit etc. I wouldn't try out new things, I didn't follow my creative passion (which I have had trouble connecting with)... I'm in a job I don't really want to do that much, because it pays well. I'm an artistic and creative person, and I want to be my own boss. I haven't taken steps toward this.

Ever since dealing with all the pain around this issue, dealing with the emotions has helped me to open my heart again but I feel like it's too late. No matter what, I don't want my heart to close and I will keep being more social, interested, proactive...

I've never been with anyone else, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone else, or to have sex with a different person. This pales in comparison to my desire to stay with my girlfriend, but I know I could be OK and eventually happy without her.

What happened to us? We still love each other deeply, but is our relationship doomed? We don't know what to do, and are working on not living together anymore and having more distance but not yet separating (She has resented me taking care of financial issues and has felt like she can't contribute fairly to the lifestyle we've had... nice apartment, cats, various amenities ).

Any thoughts and perspectives would be much appreciated, let me know if you have any questions...

[Open Eyes]

Hi tamir34,

Welcome to PC, you have a heavy hearted first post my friend. I am sorry that your heart is in such turmoil right now.

Well, from what you are discribing, it sounds to me like your girlfriend has some comitment issues. This is not your fault you know. These people can be heart breakers because they are simply just not ready for any real commitment to anyone really. This involves in her history somehow, how she grew up etc. This is something she has to learn about herself, not something you can fix. Oh, please don't let this close your heart to finding another woman that may be more ready to truely commit to you. You sound like a really nice caring honest guy and you can't help it if you fell for someone who is not truely ready or needs to figure herself out more.

It is never wise to truely push this, because it can lead to further pain down the road.
This need for her to tease and then push away is a sign of some deep personal struggles she needs to get to the bottom of. And it bothering her that you provide so much, well, it sounds like she perfers to have more power, her ego seems to need that which is also in the way she dated before you. That ego was messaged a little when you left and she woed you back. Now she has you and no big deal anymore.
There a problem, it is hers and as I said, you can't fix this no matter HOW nice you are or even HOW GOOD a lover you are.

Men tend to want to see the black and white of things, well it is there if you look.
And you should remember the signs because you want to avoid this down the road in other potential mates. Oh, I know you were friends and all that but that changed and she began thinking about her ego again and whatever it is that she seems to need to take care of that somehow. Yes, she cares enough not to hurt you (cheat) but she does have her sights on another conquest. For some people, this is what they thrive on.
I am not a therapist but from what I have read here, this is my impression of what is taking place.

I hope you do not take this out on yourself in any way. I can't blame you for being a bit broken hearted and you do deserve to grieve. Just so you know, I dated a guy for several years and I was young and he was like that too. We broke up and I met someone else and guess what, he tried to come back for he ego again. It was too late the other man was better and it was clear he wasn't the same way. We have to be careful sometimes and yes sometimes we do get hurt learning.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by tamir34

She had issues with being by herself as well. She led people on, manipulated them, used them etc.

Welcome to Psych Central tamir34,

I agree with Open Eyes. It sounds like your gf hasn't discovered who she is and what she really wants yet. Not for lack of trying ~ it's just where she is emotionally. Her lack of desire towards you is heart-wrenching, I know.

I'd really recommend that you go on with your life and let go of your gf. If and when she does come back to you with her love and affection, don't give yourself to her again. Keep your distance ... emotionally and physically. That's really what you need to do to protect yourself.

My advice comes from personal experience of being like your gf. Leading men on, manipulation, and using them is a pretty accurate description. Not because I'm some sick pig, but rather I've been searching for the man that understands, accepts, and excites me. I've been on the search for over 20 years! I haven't ever cheated on a man. I was married for 15 of those years, and really suffered a lot of guilt & self-hate for not being a "good wife" who's in love. I really tried hard! But, I still have not come to acceptance of my childhood and the woman that I am. That is an ongoing struggle for me.

The problem, for me, is that I never accepted myself as a child. I always had to put on masks to make my family more tolerable. Even as a little girl, I hated myself. I meet a nice guy & the next thing I know, I've become a mirror image of him. I do everything that I can to keep him happy. My happiness isn't an issue for me ~ for awhile anyway ~ then I become depressed because I can't stand the thought of losing him. Just thinking about how I'm hurting another man tears me up inside! What if he is the right man for me and I lose him because of my indecisiveness??!

A heck of a lot of thought and anguish go into my romantic relationships. It's hard. I have been in therapy for 30 years now, trying to fix myself. So, your gf becoming healthy and strong reasonably soon isn't very likely. Hopefully, we will sometime soon find ourselves and accept the past. That would be nice! But, don't standby waiting for her. You deserve some happiness in a healthy relationship.

Best wishes to you and your gf!