[dduck13]

I am a 35 year old guy that has been married for almost 9 years not and we dated 2 years befopre that. We use to be very "into" each other and having sex about 2-3 times a week. About 2-3 years ago my wife lost interest and we may have sex once every month or two. I want more and have told her that I want to be with her more and she kind of just blows it off or gets upset. I don't know what to do?

[doggiedo]

Have you expressed how truly important this is to u? Sex is about so mug more than just sex. Maybe she thinks that u are just looking for more action. I guess what I am trying to say is maybe u can tell her how important it is for u to be close with her and share that intimacy. I mean, if u agree with that, lol.

Have u thought of going to a counselor together? Is she going thro menapause or recently have a baby? Sometimes that can affect a woman's libido.

[xraydiva09]

sorry to say dduck, us women are funny creatures in the sex department....my ex and I were on that once a month path (before I was diagnosed with BPII) so if I felt like I wasnt getting enough attention, he wasnt helping enough around the house, etc. my sex drive just wasnt there....I dont know...women are alot different about sex than men are...nothing is wrong with that...its just the whole left brain/right brain thing....since I have gotten treatment and gotten things in my world a little more figured out as to who I am, my sex life is alot better. We have been together almost 4 years, and although its not as hot and heavy as it started out (what relationship is after time?) it is still good and more frequent than my past....but you also have to remember too....quality, not quanity.....maybe you need to catch her on a talkative day and just sit down and talk about it...its something that is important, and needs to be discussed.

[dduck13]

Thank you for the responses. Just as a reply to doggiedo...I was in counseling and asked my wife to come with me a few times so we could talk to someone to help improve our relationship. We went but before we even got to the 1st appointment she told me "we are not going to talk about our sex life". Also, she is 31 years old so menapause isn't the issue (don't know what I will do then) and we have no children so no recent births. I love her and want to be with her...but I feel like I am unwanted and it hurts me pretty bad to feel this way.

[LightningMan]

It would seem to me, DDuck, that she has something she needs to talk about but is the type that won't talk about the very things that need to be addressed. And if she's anything like my ex-wife, if you ever do get her to talk about her issues outside of a therapist's office, the conversation won't be productive.

I would suggest having her talk about her dissatisfaction in the marriage without directly bringing up your problem with the infrequency of sex. Chances are, the reduction of sex is as XRayDiva suggests, a symptom of something else she's dissatisfied with.

Apparently it is hard for some women to just say what their problem is and what they want. It's an astonishing thing to say, given how much many women like to talk, but blabbing is apparently different then making a request of someone.

LightningMan, Sweeping generalizations, about women. I don't just blab, and I have no problem stating what my problem is, and many women don't. Maybe she is having biological problems, not just has an inability to speak.

I agree that talking communication is key here, so many different things night be going on. She could be having problems with the relationship, or she could be depressed and not know it, hormones could play a role, just so many different things. I gree you should talk to her about the importance of the closeness if that's what you feel.

You said you let her know you want more sex, but have you tried to talk to her about why she gets upset about it, or how she is feeling deep down, she night be confused as well.

[LightningMan]

Originally Posted by Anika

LightningMan, Sweeping generalizations, about women.

Nope.

Originally Posted by LightningMan

Apparently it is hard for some women to just say what their problem is and what they want. It's an astonishing thing to say, given how much many women like to talk, but blabbing is apparently different then making a request of someone.

Not all or most. I am very careful to never say all or most. So, nope. No sweeping generalizations about half of humanity. Sorry.

Originally Posted by Anika

I don't just blab, and I have no problem stating what my problem is, and many women don't. Maybe she is having biological problems, not just has an inability to speak.

I never said you did and I never said all women did. And maybe you're right. And maybe I'm right. But again, I make no generalizations about half of humanity. I know better than that.

dduck, your post is very thoughtful and caring. I am sorry that you are hitting one of those relationship bumps in the road. It's so hard especially when the other person is unwilling to participate fully. In this case, if the main issue is that you would like + physical intimacy and your wife is unwilling to discuss it, then there is definitely a problem.

I would continue to go and discuss just that with my T. Hopefully, you will be able to find a way to communicate how incredibly important this is to you with your wife in a way that she will understand. It could be one of many things. Actually, it is not uncommon for women to go through m-pause early or for hormonal imbalances to cause lack of drive; however, the fact that she is so adamant about not discussing it would be cause for concern (for me). That defeats the whole purpose of going to T.

***

My best friend(s) had the same exact problem in the intimacy dept. They both practice medicine, and actually one of them IS a T.

They went to T, together and individually. They have 2 wonderful children. Ultimately, they divorced

But they were both able to get out without being abusive, cruel or harmful (verbally or physically) with each other. Divorce is hard enough on its own without adding bad-decision making during the marriage to the pain of it all.

I wish you the very best! Please keep us posted.

Originally Posted by LightningMan

Apparently it is hard for some women to just say what their problem is and what they want. It's an astonishing thing to say, given how much many women like to talk, but blabbing is apparently different then making a request of someone.

Lightning, really?

From what I've read thus far, you are an intelligent person. You know the word "women" and "blabbing" in the same sentence is going to get you in the doghouse, FGS.

What you've written just sounds so angry. and bitter. I hope it's temporary, though. If you get to know us, you'll see that we don't all "blab".

And I honestly don't need to explain to you what the word connotes. You know what it means and the etymology of the word.

(unless you just read Charles Dickens or something, and you were so influenced by his brilliance, it's the first and only word that came to your mind ... but you can still offer an apology.)

[LightningMan]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

From what I've read thus far, you are an intelligent person. You know the word "women" and "blabbing" in the same sentence is going to get you in the doghouse, FGS.

No. I didn't. Had I known, I would have used another word.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

What you've written just sounds so angry. and bitter. I hope it's temporary, though. If you get to know us, you'll see that we don't all "blab".

Again, I never said all. And considering I just finished a hostile divorce, please forgive me if my characterization of the vacuous talk of some women struck you as mean.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

And I honestly don't need to explain to you what the word connotes. You know what it means and the etymology of the word.

And I also didn't think it would arouse such ire.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

(unless you just read Charles Dickens or something, and you were so influenced by his brilliance, it's the first and only word that came to your mind ... but you can still offer an apology.)

I apologize to any and all women who took offense at my saying that some women blab.

Originally Posted by LightningMan

No. I didn't. Had I known, I would have used another word. Again, I never said all. And considering I just finished a hostile divorce, please forgive me if my characterization of the vacuous talk of some women struck you as mean. I apologize to any and all women who took offense at my saying that some women blab.

I am truly sorry about the divorce and especially the hostile part. That's awful.

Do you mean the "vacuous talk" of the women in your former circle?

Group hug

[RomanSunburn]

I'd like to recommend a book I"m reading, though take this with a grain of salt -- I haven't finished the book yet (and actually haven't had time/energy to pick it up lately...).

Anyways, my last T highly, highly recommend "The Dance of Anger." It's actually a book directed towards women and helping them voice their anger in healthy ways that lead to communication and positive growth, but I think the message could still be applied to your situation. One example that came to mind is when the author discusses an adult daughter and her relationship with her mother. She talks about how the daughter has to make changes in her own life because she is only responsible for herself, not for her mother's thoughts and actions. But by changing her own actions, the relationship with the mother is changed as well. What I'm trying to say is that you aren't responsible for your wife's feelings, actions, etc, but you are responsible for your own. Perhaps changing the way you interact with her or communicate with her will lead to changes within the relationship.

I find the book very interesting, and I would really like to get back to reading it. I can't promise it'll make everything better, but it's pretty easy to read and as enjoyable as a self-help book can be.

Good luck! Sorry things have hit a rough patch between you and your wife.