[Gunalli]

I already wrote the same here at ask-the-therapist but since I couldn't find my question and thus a way to track if it's been answered... I thought I'd ask people at the forum...
So here is my story...
Me and my wife have been married for 3 months only and before that we dated for 3 years and been friends since 14 years old. So we married. She wants to have kids (I do as well, but I'm not that obsessed with it) We've been trying even before our wedding but have no results and she won't do any tests herself or allow me do so to find out the reason of her not getting pregnant. So... Month ago my mother(42 y.o.) became pregnant. And my wife hates her ever since (obviously because my mother will have a child wile my wife will not(at least she thinks so)) So my wife told me not to talk to my mother anymore and after I've done that things looked ok, but then my mother called me and asked to borrow some money (20 dollars to be precise) and after I gave the money to her(without my wife knowing and made it so that she believed I spent it on some other stuff(after which she shouted at me for wasting money)) my wife asked me if I gave the money. I told her I did because at that moment it was obvious. After shouting at me for about 5 minutes she stopped talking to me. She cooks, does the house work, but just ignores me. If I ask her something shewon't answer or just nod or shake her head. But... When our friend(the one who introduced us to each other) comes to us she starts talking (though keeping the conversation with me to minimum) So here I am with my wife not talking to me for 5 days already and without any chance of visiting my mother(who is mad at my wife for such isolation) at the hospital where she waits for the birth of my brother...
(few extra details to add to the picture - I've never cheated on her and I'm the main source of money in the newly found family but I rarely do house work, she cheated me twice just after we started dating, finishing her education at the university and is overall depressive. And she broke up with me several times wile we were dating, but I always brought her back. And we were neighbors before we married if it matters...) Now I think that's all...
Hope to find an answer to my situation somewhere...

[Irreplaceable]

It's unreasonable for her to expect for you to never talk to your mother again. That demand is ridiculous. She's not talking for 5 days? She needs to get over it. 5 days? I understand the whole silent treatment thing but what she is doing is counterproductive. She thinks she is hurting you by not speaking to you. I would ask her if she is ready to talk. If not, give her time. Let her come around when she comes around. I understand her being hurt by being not able to conceive. Instead of ignoring you, she should talk about it and go to the doctor to see why you aren't conceiving. Maybe she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to find out the truth. She's afraid of the truth. Kinda like how people don't go to the doctor when they suspect an illness because they are scared. Not being able to have kids hurts women on a level that it doesn't hurt men. Because, well, that is partly why we are here on earth. To produce. That is what we, as women, do. And if she can't do it, it may make her feel lesser than.

Her approach is immature. I am not without fault. I have taken the silent treatment approach. This is just what we as women do to make you men suffer in silence and wonder (like you are doing now) why she is upset, what can you do to get back in her good graces. And it doesn't help. You stay angry and upset with the other person. The more grown up thing to do is to talk it out. If you're upset with the other person, talk, come to a resolution the best that you can. I hate going to bed upset with my partner. And I hate the walking around the house upset thing. You two sound young. No offense. I'm doing calculations from when you said you met, etc etc. Plus, younger couples/people tend to flow a bit different than someone who is older.If you are young, things like this should get a bit easier. Hopefully your communication will get a little better. Stick in there. Check on her, see if she's ok and ready to talk. If not, step back, give her her room and occupy your time.

[pegasus]

Hello Gunalli, sounds like a really unfair position to put you in. I'm presuming that you have had a fairly good relationship with your Mother until your wife demanded that you stop speaking to her. Not sure how your wife has that much control of you that she can stop you speaking to your Mother and she controls how you spend your money! You are your own person and need to have freedom. You have a baby brother on the way, that is such an exciting time and you are needed by your Mum and your new brother needs to know you. How would your brother feel in years to come if he knew that you were stopped from seeing him because of your wife? I suggest that you do what is right for you, do you really want to be controlled like this by another person?

You have a lot to think about. Is this marriage what you want? If you want to continue I think you need to get therapy for yourself so that you can raise your self esteem. Or maybe go to couples counseling if you feel you want to continue the marriage and talk! Communication leads to a healthy relationship. Maybe you could also suggest she goes (and you) and has some tests as to why she cannot get pregnant but do you really want a child with someone that tries to control you like this? I know it's very hard to make life changing decisions when you have been with someone for a long time.

I do wish you the best.

[Leed]

I have to agree with Pegasus. Has your wife always been this demanding and unreasonable? Has she always been able to control you like this? Insisting that you cut ties with your Mother is ridiculous -- you should NOT comply with that demand! You only have one mother -- but you can ALWAYS get another wife!! Your Mom needs you right now. And i'm sure she will need you in the future. Tell your wife she made an unreasonable demand and you shouldn't have agreed to it, and then go see your Mom!

You need to start sticking up for yourself. You need to be the MAN of the family. That's not to say that she doesn't have any rights -- but she does NOT have the right to set down any LAWS for you to follow either! Marriage is supposed to be a "partnership" and yours certainly is NOT.

You two need some marriage counseling. She needs to learn that she's not a dictator and you've got to build up your self-esteem as someone else mentioned. You should do this BEFORE you attempt to bring a child into this marriage. You two have a lot to think about, such as is this marriage going to be saved?

I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[faerie_moon_x]

It is wrong to ask you to never speak to your mother again. No one should ask you to choose between your family and them (even your wife!) That's very poor and even abusive bahavior.

Next, your wife is behaving very immaturely. She can't get pregnant to instead she is acting jealously over your mother who did get pregnant. If it is such a huge concern to her, then she should bring this issue to her doctor. There is a saying "better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

[Gunalli]

Huge thanks everyone! Problem solved by asking our friend (the one who introduced us 8 years ago, who is btw a social worker) to talk to her. And he talked her into being more reasonable :-)

[faerie_moon_x]

It's good you have a friend who can talk to her about things.

Congratulations on your new baby brother.

[Gunalli]

Thanks)
All the best...