Why don't women like me?

It's true and it is a constant issue for me - women don't seem to like me. Since high school I have become acutely aware of the the fact that most women want nothing to do with me, or don't find me dateable, and in high school I was involved with a 3 year conflict with a female that was difficult and dominated those years for me, involving the police, being hospitalized for a month or more, and a personal vendetta against a staff member at our school which led to the school prohibiting him from being around me…I hate that man.

Truthfully, it seems like no matter what I do, whom she is, where I am, or what I say, I never manage to progress anywhere with women, the usual result being that I met them once and they disappeared off the face of the Earth thereafter or that they didn't like me from the start. In fact, I have never once initiated conversation with a woman or approached a woman and it end positively for me, it literally always leads to rejection and other negative experiences.

Whenever I attempt to understand these issues, women, and relationships all I seem to encounter are contradictions and vague non-explanations. The weird thing is that when I was bitter, mad, frustrated, rude, and wanted nothing to do with women and relationships is when women were most attracted to me and I was doing the rejecting, but now that I want to connect with someone and have a relationship, I am universally and unanimously rejected…@#$%&!!!!

Frankly, I feel like I have lost all hope of being able to connect with a female and have a relationship, having mentally resigned myself to a life of being alone, which describes the life I have now and when I was younger. I've been told I will find the 'right woman' whom is capable of loving me or even liking me after a few days of knowing each other, but my mind runs off statistics, numbers, graphs, and formulas, not inexplainable, spontaneous, miraculous experiences in the future that lack a solid basis in reality, while simultaneously contradicting those same individuals' earlier statements about being unable to predict the future. I believe I am unlovable as much as I believe that I am a failure. Oh, but I am told I need to be confident and if I believe I will fail than I will, but all that is nonsense to me, because I fail no matter what I do.

Seriously, though, why don't women ever like me? Because I am socially awkward due to Asperger's Syndrome? I'm sure there are worst things than that, but women seem to write me off anyhow. I've always felt that if I had lots of money women would like me more. At least then I would exist or be somewhat attractive to women…

Excerpts from a website that describes how I feel perfectly:

"[Some] Asperger people simply do not bother anymore; they have been rebuffed, rejected, excluded or tormented so many times that they no longer try to connect with other people, preferring to avoid opening themselves up to such painful, seemingly-inevitable experiences. It is a sad fact that this can start very early in life; even at a very young age, children can sense differences in others, and can be incredibly cruel. By seven years of age, I was such a social outcast because of my social deficits that I was suicidal, and used to wish that I simply failed to wake up one morning in order to escape the daily torments. While things are not always so extreme as to drive an Asperger person to quite this level of desperation, being an outsider is nonetheless the norm.
"Other Asperger people never give up their search for acceptance, but more often than not those people are simply rejected over and over again in one way or another. More than in any other case, they are not avoiding positive social contact by choice; they simply cannot find anyone willing to be friends with them. It is extraordinarily painful to confront the fact that no one feels that you are worth being friends with, that you have so few redeeming qualities that others reject your initial overtures; that whatever excellent qualities you possess – intelligence, loyalty, a sense of humour, kindness, etc – none of it is enough to make up for your social ineptness. It is no wonder so many give up and withdraw into themselves, abandoning friendship as a lost cause. Even those with initial success may find that friendships founder when they reach deeper levels of intimacy, and their lack of social understanding betrays them despite their good intentions."

I am not formally diagnosed with an ASD, but the possibility is nearly overwhelming. The reason for not bothering with a diagnosis is, so many of my symptoms can also be explained elsewhere that I am already receiving treatment for the problematic parts. My treatment would not change at all with a formal diagnosis, so why put yet another label on myself? I can relate enough to what people on the spectrum go through that I am quite positive I am one also.

People on the spectrum (and I too, whether I actually am or not) have a hard time with social conventions, and need to have things explained to them that neurotypicals would think are intuitive. I don't know how many times I've heard, "Well, good common sense ought to tell you...." when I had to have something mapped out for me. No, it isn't just common sense. Yes, it does have to be explained, at least to me, because I don't have that mechanism in my brain that lets me pick up on it automatically. That doesn't mean I'm stupid, or retarded. As I've been called many times.

On a site specifically for autism/Asperger's, I have seen an ongoing thread set up for that specific purpose. It is the place to explain those things that are intuitive for others but not for us. For example, when I was in school, any time the teacher asked the class a question, I was always the first one to blurt out the answer before anyone else could. I was afraid of being considered stupid, wanted to prove I wasn't, and did this to demonstrate that hey, if I know the answer, then I'm not stupid, am I? I never realized how bloody annoying it was. Yes, the classmates gave me dirty looks. Yes, even the teacher sometimes told me to knock it off. But I didn't make the connection. I thought the others didn't like me simply because I was not beautiful and came from a poor family. It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I figured out, the teacher already knows that I probably have the right answer, and needs to hear from the other students, thank you very much. The more I kept blurting out the right answer, the less effective the teacher could be, since the others didn't get a turn. I was hindering the teacher's ability to evaluate the rest of the class. I wish someone had told me that at the time. But the thing is, most people wouldn't have needed to be told, so it never occurred to anybody that I didn't know.

I said all that to say this: Maybe there is some little habit or trait you're not aware of. I have benefited from etiquette-for-everyday-life classes and discussions such as this one, to help myself become less offensive to others. There are people out there who will taunt us with the "book smart, but no common sense" thing I've heard all my life, but there are many more who understand and will explain these things clearly.

If you think you might have an Autism Spectrum Disorder, try the test here and see what it says. If it suggests it, then see a professional and be formally evaluated.

Mr. V. I'm sorry you are finding so much contradictory but relationships are messy not neat and able to "run off statistics, numbers, graphs, and formulas". People are not computers. A lot of relationships is being open to the emotional and learning not to see things as completely one way or another.

The all or nothing is like when we are thinking of buying a new car and want a red sports car and suddenly there seem to be a zillion red sports cars on the road. But all those red sports cars we see are not our red sports car and we have been distracted, seeing all of them. Running around trying to catch any old (young :-) woman you see, isn't what it is about; it is about one-on-one with a particular woman and concentrating on her, only.

You comment on all the women who wanted you when you were a "bad boy" and now you comment on none of the women wanting you but how about "Susie", tell me about an individual, what she likes, is interested in, does for a living, kind of pet(s) she has, etc. Where did you meet "her", what were you doing, what was she doing, why did you approach her, in particular? What did you talk about, what did she talk about.

Women aren't "things" that can just be picked up on the fly, either. To get in a true relationship with someone, you have to first be around them a goodly bit of time and get to know them. You sit next to them in a class for a semester or you work with them. You notice similarities or things you like and point them out so you can get a conversation started (after they have noted your presence; you can't just walk up to a person you haven't been introduced to and not scare them a bit, making personal statements). "I see you like Yoo-Hoos, I do too!" or just, "I wish they'd put Yoo-Hoos in the vending machine, they're my favorite drink". One can't really "fail" at that?

If that was addressed to me, I took the test, and I scored well within the spectrum.

It was addressed to the original poster.

Oh. I was confused because I thought he was already formally diagnosed, and then I came along and said I wasn't. My apologies, Mr. Venomous. Please continue.

In fairness, I did not read the original post closely.

I was formally diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder by a psychologist when I was a child - I don't need an online test.

Although I hate to admit this I don't understand anything in your post, Perna .

What does that mean?

Sports cars? I don't see the connection? . I don't have a red car…?

Who is Susie? .

You can't walk straight up to someone and talk to them like that? I do that all the time? What's to be scared of? I've done that several times. One day I approached 3 different women in different places and told them that they are pretty . And what if there are no women around me that I can spend time with? I'm not in employed, in school, or anywhere. Moreover, I find small talk like that to be hard, so, yes, I can definitely fail at that.

There is no Susie. What she is saying is instead of talking about all women, talk about a specific problem or specific situation with a specific woman (a k a "Susie"). This would allow for knowing where you're having trouble.

Unless there are no women around you, what does this question matter? I would wager that unless you live in a cave and never leave, there are women around. And if there isn't, go somewhere there is.

So practice. Small talk is a learned art. You can learn how to do it. It will become easier (but not necessarily easy), but it is necessary, unless you'd rather complain about not having a woman than actually having one.

Ah, I think I see some of your problem. No, you cannot walk up to strangers, especially if you are not of their gender, and just start talking to them; they don't know you at all, can't "trust" you because they don't know you or anything about you; you could be chatting them up to kidnap, rape, and murder them for all they know, they can't make a determination without any information and the unknown is scary.

They may feel they are being spied upon if you tell them something personal, that you think they are pretty; they did not ask for your input and comment about their looks and, because they don't know you, think it an odd thing for you to say to them first, so start thinking you are odd.

Interactions between people, especially people of opposite genders, have to build up gradually; you don't just say, "Hi, want to jump in bed with me and have sex?" and "You're pretty" is up there in the middle somewhere, a personal comment. The other person may/may not agree with you but there's no basis underneath to have that conversation yet because it was an opener, has no where to "sit".

The "boring" little comments form a base to build on, give a little understanding of the other person and what they are interested in and like so you can make internal comparisons and check to see if you are interested in further, more personal conversation.

"You're pretty" has nowhere to go, stops any hope of conversation because it is both superficial (I have brown eyes, too, so what?) and too personal; your judgment about my looks. No matter what I think or say, you don't appear to care (I can't "disagree" with you because that means I would have to negate myself and I can't agree with you because it's "my" looks and I get to decide how I look and here you are trying to tell me how I should think/feel about myself). I don't know you and yet you appear to have taken no time to think about how I think or feel, are busy telling me about how you think/feel about me, before you even know anything about me. It can't work. The "polite" response would be "Thank you" and then the woman scurries away, having learned you are out there with yourself and not thinking about her for herself at all.

If nothing else is going on, "you're pretty" is a non sequitur, doesn't come before or after anything. It is like the joke, "Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?" it does not make sense to the hearer for you to have said it to them. A woman might look around and see who you are talking to since it comes out of nowhere (your head/imagination) and is not based on anything that has been said or done; it's not warranted.

At the beginning of a relationship you talk about yourself but not in relation to the other person. That's why we ask questions of one another or talk about the weather. When we talk about the weather, everyone can relate and it doesn't feel like the subject is coming out of the other person's head.

One can say to a female checkout clerk at the grocery store, "I hate all this wind; it's too cold!" but not, "I like pretty women" because the checkout clerk was probably not thinking about women, pretty or otherwise and can't see what it relates to. One has to say, "I love all this wind; it makes the women's hair stream out around them and I like that look".

The clerk has seen women's hair in the wind and knows it is windy now and, because you say you like that look, she can infer you think such women pretty. She can reply, "Yes, I love the way my hair looks when it's windy" to let you know she's "with" you or she can say, "Ugh! You men may like women's hair in the wind but it's a pain in the butt for women!" to let you know how she feels about windy days and that she probably thinks you were insensitive and not thinking about real women, but just about what you like.

Mostly the reason you cannot be direct is because what you are thinking and feeling is not what the other person is thinking and feeling and one cannot "converse" unless one lays groundwork for what one is thinking/feeling and checks to make sure the other person understands and that one understands what the other person is thinking/feeling.

The trick in a conversation is to respond to the other person, not to one's own head or feelings. One uses one's head and feelings to make that response but "You're pretty" is basically talking to yourself; it's about the other person and they're the one in charge of themselves. Even, "I think you are pretty" doesn't work as an opener very often because it's too general, the other person doesn't know what you consider "pretty" and so the response is just "Okay, thanks (for telling me about yourself and what you think)."

Your post was a bit long for me, I have trouble reading, but I have a few suggestions.

First: the type of woman you initiate these conversations with. Sometimes I believe that everyone has a type of person that they are attracted to, but that type of person isn't necessarily attracted back. Sometimes you should step back. Review the women you've tried to connect with and find similarities in them. Certain attitudes and behaviors of the women may be the reason they reject you, and actually has nothing to do with you.

Often times I find that men are say "no women find me attractive." But really what they are saying is "no women in this catagory find me attractive." I bet there are women who find you attractive and they are invisible to you. Sometimes to find someone you have to broaden your horrizons. For a basic example, if you always go for blonds, look at the brunettes. Maybe if you always go for "preps" instead look at "nerds." You know, things like that.

Next, your behaviors: It's true that women like "jerks." Why? Because the qualities of being a jerk often go hand in hand with the qualities needed for survival at a cave-man level. You already said when you ignore women they tend to be more interested. This is true. Women are more attracted to men who aren't overly clingy. But being too aloof is also bad.

That doesn't mean you need to be a jerk. But it is true that being confident in yourself (just in being yourself, whoever you are,) and being caring but not overly clingy are the qaulities you want. When someone says "Be confident" it just means, be comfortable with who you are. If you're socially awkward, then be proud of it. That's who you are.

Let me give you an example. Have you ever watched "The Big Bang Theory"? One of the main characters is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. He's a genius, scientist, and completely socially awkward. He's not the most handsom man on the planet. Just a nerdy guy. Yet, he's not unattractive and in fact is attractive. Why? Because he's very confident about who he is. He can be a jerk at times, yes, but he also responds to things in a caring way, too. In fact, all of the guys on there are attractive despite being hopeless nerds who are socially awkward. Another great example off that show is Raj. He can't talk to women unless he's drinking alcohol. But when he is drinking he becomes extremely charismatic and confident. His problem is he lacks the confidence to speak up otherwise. It has nothing to do with being "unattractive" and everything to do with confidence.

My opinion as a female is that if a man I had never met walked straight up to me and told me I was pretty I would politely thank him and then promptly find a way to extract myself from his presence. It causes me to feel very uncomfortable. I don't care for small talk (as I don't really know how to do it well myself) but in polite society, it is necessary. Also, and in the context of small talk, there are more subtle ways to compliment a woman's beauty. Tell her she has beautiful hair or that you like her earrings. Something simple such as that. For example, I have red, naturally curly hair and am quite used to strangers of all sexes commenting on it. I've had men walk straight up to me and tell me they thought my hair was beautiful and I don't think that's strange at all.