[Evangelista]

I was married for 27 years to a Rageaholic, in a couple of weeks, it would have been 28 years, if I had not seperated from him last year and processed divorce papers...he would have eventually killed me, he had threatend to on occasion, along with himself, he was admitted to Psych hospital and diagnosed with a rage Disorder, but refused to stay on medication, he was in the Military, when they found out about the abusive behavior after 22 years by accident, they caught him in the act finally, they mandated him to enter counseling, but instead he turned in his Retirement papers and he got out, on the night I made him leave, he had hit me as I was calling 911, he was so bad..he would destroy things during his rages, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw food all over the kitchen if he did not like what I was cooking, at time pots of boiling water barely missed me, he hit me, humilated me, took everything of value we had..left me sleeping on the floor..but I was to scared to fight for anything..I just wanted him to go away..and leave me with all I had left, which was my heart still beating..but with the anniversary looming..instead of feeling relief that I can try and work on my broken life, including the reasons I stayed in an abusive relationship, my own dysfunctional coping mechanisms..I feel sudden overwhelming loss..and I don't understand why...it hurts, and I am upset at having painful reactions to something that should of happened a long, long, long, time ago..thank you for letting me express my confusion and hurt..

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Evangelista))))))))))))))) I wish you peace.

((( Evangelista )))

You are grieving.

This article may help you understand.

Try to be gentle with your feelings during this confusing time.

Abuse and the grieving process.

[Evangelista]

[Evangelista]

thank you..sorry..don't mean to be so graphic about stuff..sometimes it's like throwing up, its starts coming out and can't stop it..before I know it..there it is..and hit the send...I guess to much is damed up and I need to know learn to regulate it here so not to cause others to be triggered.. But I do appreciate your thoughts, prayers, and symbols of encouragement..

(((((((((((((Evangelista))))))))))))

My heart goes out to you!

[Evangelista]

thank you all....and Petunia..((Gentle Hugs)) I needed that web site..it really made sense to where I am at with this process..

{{{ Evangelista }}}

I'm glad it helped.

[Sabrina]

My ex marriage, though not as long as yours was also abusive (not to the degree yours was though) and I remember the same feelings after my divorce.

I am so sorry for all that you have been through and I wish strength for you whilst you deal with these feelings.

[Evangelista]

Thank you Sabrina & Petunia

God I can't believe I put up with that for so long...but then I grew up with it....the hardest part I think that hurt me the most was the humilation and shame..bruises heal..but man humilation/shame they go to my core issues..and you know..all those years when I should of been hating him..I was hating myself more and more, and terrified of him...trying to fix what it was that I was doing wrong, trying to make him not hate me so much for him to be doing and saying the things he did...the pattern of childhood abuse overlayed..living the same way..hiding and enduring and thinking that there was no other way to live..I could never possible have or deserve anything else..it almost killed me..and times I wished it had..I remember when it was at its worse just praying "do..it..do..it..get it over with" because then I would not have to go out into the world and put this mask on, and appear okay, especailly in a healthcare enviroment, where "ok" was what you strive for, and then go home...and just have the value of spit in the wind..get up the next day and do it over and over again..felt so trapped and confused..pulled into a police station parking a couple of years ago after we moved to another state, had my golden retriever in tow..my only true friend and confident..my ex at home going balistic tearing up the house..I thought this is it..I will walk in there and tell them I was afraid to go home..what stopped me..was the terrified thought that it wouldn't fix anything they would just tell him to calm down since that had happened before when he got out of control rage attacks...and things would get worse when he got back..so i sat there imbolized staring at the police station entrance..wanting to scream for help..but afraid that by telling them it would make it worse..again that childhood overlay..so I just sat there in my van with my dog..then went home..cleaned up the debrie..and waited for the abuse to start, in whatever form it was going to take.. to recover from this, I know it will take time..but the pit this pulls me into is a very dark place..full of traumatic memories..pretty deep ..but it helps to find others who are fighting from a smiliar bad place or who have achieved a sense of self and can reach into the pit to help me out of the darkness, and at times going into it to find me..so again for thanks for being there..