[sunkissed327]

I'm far from perfect. I've lived with my nuclear family, plus three different living situations with three different groups of roommates. Now I live with my husband. I've known that I'm difficult to live with. I'm high strung, type A personality and am a very stressful person. I love living with my husband, and normally his type B personality helps destress me, and I help motivate him. While we sometimes clash, we primarily balance and even each other out. Lately though, we just simply clash. All the time. We aren't one of those couples that fight a lot. Normally we get along great and I've always considered us to have a great relationship. For the last few weeks though, maybe longer, I'm just exhausted.. we bicker so much. I feel like he constantly critiques me. I have a full time job, he has a part time, yet my type A personality drives me to do more even when I come home after a long day at work, I still clean up. We clash constantly over being equal partners. I resent him for not doing more around the house when he has more time to. He resents me for getting on his case. He critiques the things I overlook, and I don't feel like he has the right to critique me when he isn't being an equal partner.

I have to let go of my resentment towards him. Whether I'm doing 90% of the work and working full time, I can't say "I don't care how you feel cause I work harder". That's not okay.
But at the same time, I don't feel like I can really I take what he feels into account because everytime he says a 'stupid' complaint like "you didn't wash the wine glasses right" I feel like he has NO right to say that, when he could have just washed them himself.
How do we get over it? Change needs to happen on both ends, but I think that we are both so tired of fighting and going back and forth that we aren't willing to make the effort. Where do I find the energy to make the effort, when I believe it should come from him first and then me?

[Leed]

Ouch. Sticky situation, huh? I agree that he needs to do more. You shouldn't have to come home, and then work your fanny off when you get there.

Why not draw up a list of "chores" that need to be done, and "assign" them to each of you? Naturally, he's going to have a 'few' more than you, and PLEASE give him the wine glasses to wash and dry!! LOL But give him the chores that he gripes about the most. Maybe this will help a little.

And/or -- you two might benefit from couples counseling. I'm not sure you're communicating very well. You may "talk" but that's not the same as communicating. In counseling, you can get some tips on that. Plus you may need to learn how to "fight fair." lol Alot of couples don't know how to fight -- low blows are thrown, and things get said that shouldn't be. It wouldn't hurt to try a few sessions.

I hope you two can get things worked out. I think you can -- it's just gonna take some work on BOTH your parts. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[PsychGirl123]

I agree with Leed. You should try to try and create a list of responsibilities for yourselves. You can do the things you are good at, and he can do the same, plus the things he is adamant about

Oddly enough, I have the opposite problem. I am the type A and my boyfriend is the type B! I work part time, he works full time.

Personally, I just want him to put effort into the few things he says he's going to do, because I can't do it all, and for most things, they can't fall by the wayside. There are times that we say, "Oh to hell with it. the dishes can get done tomorrow!" but most times, if things don't get done one day, they start to pile up and there's a day's worth of work to be done by the end of the week, and no one wants to do it. If I am too exhausted to make dinner and he doesn't want to, we end up tossing ripe fruits and veggies that we bought to make the dish. My opinion is that if we do a little every day, we can maintain things. As a rule, I don't believe in avoiding or ignoring anything that matters, and in our small apartment, cleanliness and order is very important to me. The clutter and disorder makes me nuts!

We try to do a little each day, and what I don't like to do he does, and vice versa. To make things easier, I have him choose the chores he doesn't mind or likes doing, and I work on the others.

We work daily on trying to communicate better and trust me dear, it is a struggle, but it does get better with work. We try to hear eachother out, voice our concerns and clarify instead of making assumptions and accusations.

I can be critical of him, but try really hard not to make him feel that way, and not to do it in the first place. Sometimes I don't realize what I'm saying until after the fact. And if I do make him feel bad, I apologize and ask how I could have voiced my concern in a nicer manner that doesn't make him feel bad. He tells me, and I work on it the next time around. We have this problem alot because I often find dishes with food stuck to them...and I have to bring up that he missed spots on the forks, bowls... Arg.

Just not cutting each other off mid sentence can be a challenge for both of us! But we keep at it. The one thing I know is that both of you have to be on the same page and have the same goals to make progress. It takes two to be in a relationship! And two to fight...but you have to learn how to fight, fight fair and believe it or not, fight effectively.

Work on being on the same page first, and work on telling him how you feel about this in a non-confrontational way. Be honest and open, and tell him what you feel like when he talks to you the way he does, and what you ultimately want or what your issue or concerns are. One thing I have learned is that guys are not great with subtleties so he may just need to hear things in straight and to the point.

Just remember to be responsible for your own actions as well. Listen to his concerns equally and if you don't understand, ask him to clarify. And if you can't get the dialogue going to begin, try to go to counseling and see if you can break through his shell. Nothing will get better until you do.

You can do it!