[wi_fighter]

My mom called this morning to ask about my refrigerator problems.

She told me of a recent incident with my brother and dad.

I have no contact with my brother. I talked to him in 2000, right after my S.G. I didn't have any contact with him until 2004 when I went to his daughter's wedding. I haven't had any since. We have nothing in common. He's 7 years older than me. He can't stand his family of origin. I get along with my parents. I live 3 hours away from my mom and dad. He lives about 20 miles away from my dad.

My dad is 78. He lives alone in the country. He has a few health problems but nothing major that keeps him from staying active. He has a very limited income and makes do with what he has. A lot of times he washes his clothes in the sink and air dries them, so they're not always as clean and spotless as a washer could get them.

My brother never goes and sees if my dad needs any help with anything. The only time he sees him is during the obligatory holidays, and he waits until the last minute and calls and asks if dad is planning on coming over or not.

The last he was there was Christmas. He gets there and there are three place settings, my brother's, his wife's and my dad's. My niece and her husband were in the basement. My nephew and his girlfriend weren't there.

Recently, my brother calls my dad and tells him what an embarrassment he is and "didn't you notice that everyone left the table shortly after you got there?" He ridicules his appearance and behavior.

Now, my dad has always been really careful with his appearance. He showers every day and combs his hair and shaves even if he's just going to be at home. His hair is always trimmed neatly. He's got denture problems and doesn't have any top teeth, so he can get a little messy when he eats sometimes.

Dad only has a formal 8th grade education, but he's smart as a whip and is always reading something.

My dad's not abusive in any way. I can remember a few times when he came down hard on my brother, when he had it coming - like after he broke into a convenience store or when he'd start yelling at my mom and shoving her around. My dad even buried his fishing filet knife one time because my brother was getting so threatening.

My dad's not perfect, no one is, but we didn't have some horrendous childhood. He didn't do anything that my brother should be treating him this way for.

My brother's always seemed to have problems of one sort or another. Dropped out of school because it was too boring. Joined the Navy and went AWOL because it was too boring. Went on the road with my stepdad to see if he'd be interesting in being a truck driver, took along some pot and my stepdad caught him. Stepdad could have lost his trucking license if the DOT had stopped him, and my brother couldn't understand why our stepdad was upset, and cut all ties with my mom and stepdad after that, like it was their fault. My brother wasn't a kid at that time. He was in his 30s and had kids of his own.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't have a relationship with my brother, but what's the point when all he does is ridicule us and place blame where it doesn't belong? I don't want to have any contact with him, but it bothers me when I hear about him treating dad like this. He's almost 51, and he still acts like a teenager who's mad at his parents for not letting him go to a party.

[magickal1]

It sounds like your brother is set in his selfish ways, and unfortunately will have to learn on his own the consequences of his actions. Maybe it's best that you DON'T have a relationship with him, at least for the time being. Since your brother makes no effort to treat your father decently, why not offset that with a phone call once a week, a letter, or a nice card? If you already do that for your father, then you're well on your way to making him feel special, in spite of all the stress. ((((wi_fighter))))

[Lexicon78]

I'd have to agree with Magickal. Your brother respects no one and sounds as if he cares for no one but himself.

I know my dad is somewhat like yours. My dad had a good education and a good job and all. But people that grow up in the country are much different than those in the city. Like I've learned that work is more important to those in the country than those in the city. City people are more concerned with looks and cleanliness and what people think. Country people are less concerned with some of these elements. You see, my dad did not shower every day. Actually his hygiene was very poor. A lot of people called my dad names and looked down on him for his poor hygiene. Even his own children. But I never did. I disregarded all of this because my love for him was greater than that. I loved him unconditionally...and respected him greatly.

I think reminding your dad of your love and acceptance of him would help him out. It may not be a replacement for your brother, but it will cheer him up.

[wi_fighter]

Thanks for understanding, Magickal and Lex.

It bothers me how my brother treats my dad, because my dad has always been highly respected in his career. He was a ferrier (horse shoer) and highly in demand. He even did work on race horses at Arlington. He can't do much work any more because his hand and shoulder have deteriorated and the doctor said if he had surgery he'd end up with less mobility than he already has. But he's still asked by the people in his field to come along and help with the horses and give his opinions. He raised the best beagles and people would come from other states just to get one.

Unless I'm in serious denial and have blocked out some awful abusive memories, I just don't understand where all of my brother's disdain for my dad is coming from. My brother was a handful, but my parents always encouraged us in our interests and didn't push us to keep up with them if we outgrew them. They weren't pushy or neglectful.

When I was about 6, my dad had to have surgery on his nose to remove the septum (I don't know why). I think it might have been broken at one point and they couldn't repair it. Anyway. I remember he'd let me lay on the floor and I'd put my big toes on each side of his nose and scrunch his nose all up and side to side. We'd get a big laugh out of that. One time I was riding one of our ponies in a newly combined cornfield, and the pony threw me. I laid there with the wind knocked out of me for a few seconds and then dad said I needed to get back up on that pony and show him who was boss. Those are the harshest words I ever remember him saying to me, and that was because if I didn't, the pony would continue to misbehave. It was just a necessary part of the training.

I don't know. Maybe what I respect in my dad are the things my brother sees a failings. I don't get it at all.

[LMo]

Wi_fighter, I don't know what crawled up your brother's butt and took up residence, but it gives me warm fuzzies to read your stories about your dad. You sound like you have a very sweet relationship. I am happy that you have each other.

[wisewoman]

Someone told me just yesterday that some people can grow up in a nurturing environment and still estrange themselves from family. We all have brains that are wired differently. I am glad your dad has you. By the way, he was correct about the pony. Maybe I should start a thread on naughty pony memories! Take care.

[Sabrina]

Reading this made me feel for your Dad. He sounds like a wonderful man. Wish I could say the same about your brother though. I am sorry for this divide in your family.

[FleeingFox]

Right there with you on this wi_fighter, people tend to make no sense to my head anyway.
Your brother sounds like a real charmer, all I can say is I wish I had a father in this world, not having parents is a test of inner-spirit.
Your brother is a fool, and a darn selfish one at that.
Peace be with you Wi........
Fox

[wi_fighter]

Yes, I'd say we had some good times when I was little. Pumpkin cake donuts and apple cider will always hold a special place in my heart, along with Slim Jims and Juicy Fruit gum.

We used to go out for donuts and juice at Donut King and I couldn't wait for October to roll around when they had pumpkin donuts and cider.

We went to another restaurant a lot and I'd always get a Slim Jim and a pack of Juicy Fruit when we were paying the bill.

Some of the horse and pony memories, I could do without. LOL Like the time Cocoa decided he wanted to take a roll in a sand pit, with me still on him, or the time he wanted a drink while we were crossing a stomach-high creek (his stomach, not mine) and I went flying over his head.

There's a dozen sleepy beagle puppies and the smell of wet dog food and oatmeal, mixed with smells of hay and molasses and horses and leather tack. I loved being out in the barn or in dad's blacksmith shop.

Oh, and going out for silver dollar pancakes when we went fishing for bluegills at the Afton Pits. Or getting super cold toes during smelt season. I didn't go ice fishing too often.

Maybe my brothers memories when he was that same age are different. I don't know. But I wouldn't trade my childhood for anything.

Oh, I can't forget hay baling season either, when Pat Dooley and his boys would drive over with their equipment and we'd have a whole weekend of Gray's soda pop in glass bottles and every kind of yummy summer food you could imagine, and his cute sons dressed in nothing but tight jeans with no shirts, tossing hay bales into the wagons.

[wi_fighter]

WW, see post above RE naughty pony memories.

But when I was just a baby, he'd let me climb his legs to get on his back. I think mom said she found me sleeping in his box stall one time. I wouldn't be surprised. I practically lived with the horses, if not in the barn, then out in the pastures.

[wi_fighter]

Sabrina, I don't know what's up with my brother, I really don't. I guess I should just be thankful that I don't feel the same way, and let him live his bitter life.

[wi_fighter]

Thanks FleeingFox.

Yep, my brother is a selfish fool, I have to agree.

I'm a little scared. He refuses to help my dad, so it's going to be up to me, and I've always had other people do the really important things. Like, my dad wants to sell his farm because it's become too much work for him, and my brother refuses to help because he insists dad's going to sell it to an acquaintance for a lot less than it's worth. I don't know the first thing about selling a farm. I hate the idea of seeing those 20 acres of hay fields being turned into subdivisions with McMansions or cookie cutter houses. If I could do it, I'd move down there and take over the place. It's the one constant I've had all 44 years of my life.

My mom and stepdad are going to help as much as they can. My stepdad is going to take him out on the road trucking for a week or so, and I'm going to meet my mom at my dad's and we're going to start hauling some of the clutter out of the place.

And my therapist wonders why I care about trying to have an amicable relationship with my ex? It's what I grew up with, watching it with my mom and my dad.

[ovidblue]

I agree with everything everyone has said. I cant understand your brothers actions, maybe he has his reasons, or maybe he is just selfish and self absorbed, who knows? Its strange, I love my little brother, but he is far more selfish than my sister and myself even though he ended up with a far better childhood than us. But he is young, he will probably grow out of it and turn into a lovely young man. Your father is lucky to have a caring daughter like you. I think you should carry on doing what you are doing, parents deserve to be respected, most of the time - I know there are exceptions like my sons father, but if you lose a parent at a young age you soon realise the value of them. Best wishes.

[jmo531]

Sometimes people will spend their entire life blaming others for their problems and I suspect your brother may be one of those people. They do not want to take responsibility for any of their actions. It's what I call the "victim syndrome", I named it after my sister.

There comes a point in time when you must cut these people from your life, family or not. You and your father do not deserve such treatment. I am so sorry your going through this.

((((((((((((((((((((((w_i)))))))))))))))))))