[Lily2]

I am on anti-depressants. My hsband & i have been arguing daily. Yesterday i got upset I trashed my room & my kids who were visiting from 300 miles away left. (i trashed the room after they left). Today i am SO ashamed of myself & would appreciate some feedback. I am sorry & am very disappointed in myself.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, best to start by cleaning up the room as best you can. Then, appologize for your behavior.

You are on anti-depressants but are you seeing a therapist also?

If you're arguing daily then perhaps make a list of things that are upsetting you and start making a plan to resolve some of the anger internally. If he's the one starting the arguments, then try to consider why he's getting angry. It may or may not be soemthing you're doing but something he's dealing with internally.

[shezbut]

I'm sorry to hear that your situation hasn't improved, Lily2.

You've posted more than a couple of times about how unhappy you are in your marriage, and that you feel stuck. Was this brought up when your children were visiting yesterday? Is that what brought out your anger?

The answer to that Q is key. Something triggered these high emotions that you've been suppressing here & there. Just taking anti-depressants isn't going to help you feel completely better. What really helps is being honest and sharing these thoughts and emotions with a professional ~ someone who can help you put things into better perspective. Then, you can work on how to make your life better.

I agree with dark heart, about apologizing for your behavior. That can help you feel a little better too, because you're accepting blame for the blow-out & that lets go of the guilt inside.

Best wishes to you!

((((Lily)))) One of the things we are really good at is taking 100% of the blame. For everything that goes wrong. we are also really good at feeling ashamed for just being human. Try to be gentle with yourself and try to see yourself as a work in progress. You are here. You are posting. You are reaching out. Those are great steps. We all fall. We don't have to be perfect. And the fact that you also recognize that you wish you had managed things differently is great! (yesterday is how you managed. and you learned from it. tomorrow you can do it differently)

Also, many of us tend to try to be perfect and lovely and wonderful all the time (especially in public) until we just cannot take it one more second, and then it manifests itself in other ways (in private).

Either as an external outlet: yelling, arguing, acting out, trashing things, slamming doors, etc.
or
internal outlet: we become physically ill (headaches, stomach problems, joint problems, depression, anxiety...the list goes on and on)

In your post, the first thing you mentioned was that you are taking antidepressants. Do you feel they may have something to do with your actions yesterday? Definitely discuss with your doctor! Perhaps you can try something else.

I am also wondering if you are going to talk therapy, as well as taking meds (for me, talk and meds helped tremendously; while just meds seemed to mask the pain temporarily for me).

You also mentioned you are arguing a lot with your husband. Perhaps you can discuss this with your T so you can get to the root of it. Usually consistent "arguing" and "fights" are a much deeper issue than what we are struggling with at the moment.

Please keep posting and sharing and let us know how you are doing! I know you are hurting a lot today and punishing yourself (punishing yourself better than anyone else could ever punish you for what you think of as "behaving badly")

Please try to be kind to yourself...I learned a tool from my T, I ask myself "what would I tell my best friend..." and then I pretend I am my best friend and tell myself something nice and supportive (cuz I am ALWAYS so much more compassionate and empathetic with others than myself. That is so hard for me still. But I am getting better!)

[Lily2]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

well, best to start by cleaning up the room as best you can. Then, appologize for your behavior.

You are on anti-depressants but are you seeing a therapist also?

If you're arguing daily then perhaps make a list of things that are upsetting you and start making a plan to resolve some of the anger internally. If he's the one starting the arguments, then try to consider why he's getting angry. It may or may not be soemthing you're doing but something he's dealing with internally.

thank you!

[Lily2]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I'm sorry to hear that your situation hasn't improved, Lily2.

You've posted more than a couple of times about how unhappy you are in your marriage, and that you feel stuck. Was this brought up when your children were visiting yesterday? Is that what brought out your anger?

The answer to that Q is key. Something triggered these high emotions that you've been suppressing here & there. Just taking anti-depressants isn't going to help you feel completely better. What really helps is being honest and sharing these thoughts and emotions with a professional ~ someone who can help you put things into better perspective. Then, you can work on how to make your life better.

I agree with dark heart, about apologizing for your behavior. That can help you feel a little better too, because you're accepting blame for the blow-out & that lets go of the guilt inside.

Best wishes to you!

Thank you for input! I do believe that seeing a therapist would be beneficial, but mdi-cal doesnt cover it.

[Lily2]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

((((Lily)))) One of the things we are really good at is taking 100% of the blame. For everything that goes wrong. we are also really good at feeling ashamed for just being human. Try to be gentle with yourself and try to see yourself as a work in progress. You are here. You are posting. You are reaching out. Those are great steps. We all fall. We don't have to be perfect. And the fact that you also recognize that you wish you had managed things differently is great! (yesterday is how you managed. and you learned from it. tomorrow you can do it differently)

Also, many of us tend to try to be perfect and lovely and wonderful all the time (especially in public) until we just cannot take it one more second, and then it manifests itself in other ways (in private).

Either as an external outlet: yelling, arguing, acting out, trashing things, slamming doors, etc.
or
internal outlet: we become physically ill (headaches, stomach problems, joint problems, depression, anxiety...the list goes on and on)

In your post, the first thing you mentioned was that you are taking antidepressants. Do you feel they may have something to do with your actions yesterday? Definitely discuss with your doctor! Perhaps you can try something else.

I am also wondering if you are going to talk therapy, as well as taking meds (for me, talk and meds helped tremendously; while just meds seemed to mask the pain temporarily for me).

You also mentioned you are arguing a lot with your husband. Perhaps you can discuss this with your T so you can get to the root of it. Usually consistent "arguing" and "fights" are a much deeper issue than what we are struggling with at the moment.

Please keep posting and sharing and let us know how you are doing! I know you are hurting a lot today and punishing yourself (punishing yourself better than anyone else could ever punish you for what you think of as "behaving badly")

Please try to be kind to yourself...I learned a tool from my T, I ask myself "what would I tell my best friend..." and then I pretend I am my best friend and tell myself something nice and supportive (cuz I am ALWAYS so much more compassionate and empathetic with others than myself. That is so hard for me still. But I am getting better!)

You're so wise! Thank you! & thank you for making me feel welcome to keep posting.

[Open Eyes]

(((Lily2)))),

I am sorry you had such a bad day and you have been struggling and unhappy. While I know that your insurance doesn't cover therapy, you really need to get therapy for this, if you don't you wont get better and may get worse. Antidepressants don't solve problems like what you are discribing, Shezbut is right on that one.

When I looked at your profile I see some red flags that need to be addressed. You have been surpressing things that most likely stem back to that domestic abuse and even further back to possibly your childhood that you don't see yet. The only way to resolve that is to look into it with a trusted therapist.

You have daily regrets about yourself and your life, that is another red flag and now you know that you cannot take that out on your family. But you do deserve to be validated for having feelings you struggle with, that doesn't mean you are a bad person or a failure you know. It means YOU NEED TO GET HELP.

I had to do that myself and I cannot say enough how much that has really helped me.
I found a therapist that works on a sliding scale and he also specializes with my issue which is PTSD. It can be hard for me to get the money together sometimes but it is well worth it. I only pay $60 per session and he is worth so much more, but he could see I was struggling and had very little resources to pay more.

There are good therapists out there. Can your husband help you to pay for this therapy? Can you sell something? I did both.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

(((Lily2))),

The other thing you could do that doesn't cost anything? You can get involved with and attend AA meetings. My husband has been involved in that program for 20 years now and it has helped him so much with HIS issues. They do so much in those meetings and they are VERY unjudgmental and you will feel so welcome after a while.
That program is KNOWN for being incredibly helpful. AND, while you are there you also may get to meet someone who may know of a good therapist that is affordable.

Open Eyes

[Lily2]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((Lily2)))),

I am sorry you had such a bad day and you have been struggling and unhappy. While I know that your insurance doesn't cover therapy, you really need to get therapy for this, if you don't you wont get better and may get worse. Antidepressants don't solve problems like what you are discribing, Shezbut is right on that one.

When I looked at your profile I see some red flags that need to be addressed. You have been surpressing things that most likely stem back to that domestic abuse and even further back to possibly your childhood that you don't see yet. The only way to resolve that is to look into it with a trusted therapist.

You have daily regrets about yourself and your life, that is another red flag and now you know that you cannot take that out on your family. But you do deserve to be validated for having feelings you struggle with, that doesn't mean you are a bad person or a failure you know. It means YOU NEED TO GET HELP.

I had to do that myself and I cannot say enough how much that has really helped me.
I found a therapist that works on a sliding scale and he also specializes with my issue which is PTSD. It can be hard for me to get the money together sometimes but it is well worth it. I only pay $60 per session and he is worth so much more, but he could see I was struggling and had very little resources to pay more.

There are good therapists out there. Can your husband help you to pay for this therapy? Can you sell something? I did both.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

THANK YOU for your reply ! I spoke with my previous Dr (hes 300 miles away) yesterday. He suggested i try to find a "rural clinic" because i could get counseling there that medi-cal will cover. He will be calling me back today. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO TOOK THE TIME TO TRY TO HELP ME! YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL PEOPLE!