[insideout]

I'm attractive, I'm not afraid to admit it.

(Ok, I know this is gonna ruffle some feathers because many people dislike a woman who seems conceited.)

But I have found that men find me attractive, yet do not approach me as often as women who are less attractive. I take a lot of time getting my hair the right shade of blonde, my nails right, certain makeup, clothes, etc...
so am I trying too hard to look good?

Obviously there is the issue of personality and all that, but do you think there is a such thing as being overly attractive?
and does that distract a potential date from seeing past your looks?
Does being very attractive serve as a disadvantage? and why?

I am bit OCD about the way I look so this is hard for me, but would I have more success in relationships if i toned it down a bit?

[Leed]

I sure wish *I* had that I had that problem! LOL (just kidding) Anyway, I've been told by SOME men that such blessed people make them feel intimidated -- make them feel that they'll get rejected so why bother?? How true that is, I have no idea but I can see how they might feel.

IF that is true, I guess I'd tell you to tone it down. Put a wart on your nose. LOL (Ummm, not really LOL)

Best of luck and I hope things turn out well for you! God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Yoda]

I read that people tend to pair up with people of like attractiveness. So if you are drop dead gorgeous you will likely do better with an attractive guy rather than an average one.

But there may be more to it. Like how you respond to people. Do you find yourself often attracted to men or do you feel you could do better?

[insideout]

I have low self esteem...

Really attractive guys intimidate me.

[dailyhealing]

I've been married for almost 15 years and together with my wife for 20. So, it's been a while since I've had to consider dating. But I guess my question is whether you are approachable to the kind of man you are hoping to attract. There is a difference between someone being really pretty and overly doing yourself up. I know plenty of women I find to be beautiful who don't wear make up, do their hair up every day, etc.. There have also been multiple occasions of my finding a very physically attractive woman to be completely repulsive because of her personality.

I think, whether it's fair or not, that if I see a woman who is overly done up with makeup I would get the impression that they may be shallow. That theory has been disproved at times, but not as often as it has been proven to be correct. I'm guessing I'm not the only guy who feels that way. I also think So my guess, and it is only a guess, is that you may be more likely to meet a down to earth, good guy if you were to tone it down a bit. Assuming that is the kind of guy you are trying to attract. Thanks for posting! Good luck with the dating.

[insideout]

ya, I bleach my hair, and I do wear dark eye makeup... it's really hard for me to let myself go natural cuz it's uncomfortable for me. I feel too naked I guess.

I am not sure what kind of guy finds me attractive...
but I would like to be with a guy who is down to earth, funny, smart etc.

[Trippin2.0]

My brother finds women on the beach attractive. Not bcoz they are skantily clad, but make-up is non-existant (atleast here it is) and the hair is natural, so he can see the truth... Overly attractive women, do tend to intimidate certain men AND also, make-up is false advertising (unless when used to accentuate certain features) idk if you have a beach nearby, but maybe you could try going slightly natural on the beach and see if anything changes? Or maybe try taking a walk without looking too dolled up, and see what happens? Sorry if that was of no help, but my brother usually knows what he's talking about. Ps, I had a similar problem, and dressing down got results, but I've subsequently given up on relationships for unrelated reasons.

Originally Posted by insideout

I'm attractive, I'm not afraid to admit it.

(Ok, I know this is gonna ruffle some feathers because many people dislike a woman who seems conceited.)

But I have found that men find me attractive, yet do not approach me as often as women who are less attractive. I take a lot of time getting my hair the right shade of blonde, my nails right, certain makeup, clothes, etc...
so am I trying too hard to look good?

Obviously there is the issue of personality and all that, but do you think there is a such thing as being overly attractive?
and does that distract a potential date from seeing past your looks?
Does being very attractive serve as a disadvantage? and why?

I am bit OCD about the way I look so this is hard for me, but would I have more success in relationships if i toned it down a bit?

Admittedly I haven't read through the entire thread so maybe someone has already said this, but you've stated that you spend a lot of time to look perfect (paraphrasing here). I wonder if some men feel like you're unapproachable? I mean, the impression I always got from my guy friends was that people like Victoria's Secret models (perfect hair, makeup, body) are like a painting in a museum: look but can't touch. In reality they like a little bit of imperfection...you know? Hopefully that came out the way I meant it to. If you're attractive by nature, then you're attractive whether every hair and bit of makeup is in place or whether you're just wearing a little lip gloss and hair in a ponytail.

Eh, Trippin2.0 said it and just before me! That's what I get for not reading all the way...

[Harley47]

As a guy, yes, it's entirely possible to be "too attractive." Not necessarily a bad thing on your part, but a lot of us see women like you as automatically out of our league, or "taken" by someone. Just a sort of automatic assumption...and likely not much different from your intimidation of handsome men.

You don't necessarily have to "dress down" or anything like that...but just be you. The key is breaking the notion that you're "out of league" by simply breaking the ice.

Take care, and my best to you.

[athena2011]

I had a boyfriend who said his previous girlfriend was a knockout. He also said she felt that she was so beautiful that she deserved to be taken care of. I don't know how common that is, but if it is, that sure would scare guys off unless they're made of money.

My other thought is that I think the expectations are higher if you are beautiful. ie: Perfect on the outside...therefore must be perfect on the inside. If you disappoint in that respect then I think it's a huge letdown for them. Better to tone it down a bit. Underpromise and overdeliver kind of thing.

[shezbut]

The men that I've known over the years are more attracted to a woman who holds her head confidently but is unafraid to get a little dirty. That's what they like.

So, it's terrific that you know that you look good. The part of the puzzle you seem to be missing is allowing yourself to loosen up. Play, or work-out, show them that you sweat. Know what I mean?

Best wishes sent your way....

[insideout]

Thanks for the replies. I'm SO GLAD nobody has jumped on me for saying I'm attractive. I hoped it would come accross the way I meant it.

It's nice to be able to talk about things because it helps me think things through, and to hear other opinions helps me figure things out.

I know I have some things inside to work on, but I'm a good person. I am a bit too obsessed with the way I look and I think it's making me seem unapproachable.

I think guys would probably assume I'm high maintenence, and I have been hit on by men who have money but no personality, and that's NOT at all the kind of guy I'm into.
I'm thinking maybe an interesting guy who plays a guitar in a coffee shop or something.
Or a general contractor who likes to ride a harley... or even a hospital nurse who has tattoos under his scrubs.

Know what I mean?

[insideout]

shezbut,

I like what you said about showing them I sweat.
I used to work out and I met some cool people that way.
I might have to take that up again.

I keep referring to men here, but I actually have dated women... The last one I dated was not into wearing makeup except on special occasions, but she prefered me to wear makeup all the time and be girly. That wasn't very comfortable to have that expectation to hold up to and to always feel like I had to fit in a certain role 24-7, and I imagine that I have had boyfriends who had those same expectations.

[SolutionIsProcess]

insideout,

It sounds like you don't think a man could appreciate you for the person you are, and so you obsess about your looks because you feel that it covers up (literally) the insecurity inside.

Have you thought about communicating more openly with guys you like when they are nervous around you? You could say, "I don't know about you, but I'm feeling really nervous right now because I like you" or something equally as plausible. Sometimes that is enough to put us guys at ease. Many women will not take initiative with saying something like that, because culture teaches you to be passive and wait for men to be assertive. Don't buy into that. We're all people, and people are impressed by honesty/bravery/soul.

Additionally, I don't know what kind of guys you usually go after, but if you find yourself basing your dating choices more on looks than personality, then it might be a good time to think about what matters most to you in a partner. I know the cultural pressure exists to be attractive and acquire an attractive partner, but listen to your gut/heart and think about what matters most to you.

We are all insecure beings. All of us. And we all want and deserve love.

[Irreplaceable]

Well, because I myself also have a problem with being too attractive (giggles) lemme give you a few pointers woman to woman:

1) The man may think you are too high maintenance. He looks at all of the fabulous things you listed and he may think you are too high maintenance.

2) He may be intimidated.

3) He may think to himself, "Damn she bad. I bet she already got a man" - This is a hot one

4) They may be waiting for you to make the first move

5) They may be shy

I get this too...You are out and about, minding your own business and you feel someone burning a hole in your back. You look, he locks eyes, but doesn't move or say a word. You both talk with your eyes, but he still won't approach. My biggest two reasons up top would be because A) They think I am already taken or B) They are intimidated. Yes, men can be intimidated. Please don't take this as a brag (a lot of women say this anyway) but I hate that...Why stare and you aren't going to do anything. I'm bold, I will walk right up to him and start a conversation...Eeehhhh...That's me ***shrugs shoulders***

Hope that helps! Wassup Trippen!

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by shezbut

The men that I've known over the years are more attracted to a woman who holds her head confidently but is unafraid to get a little dirty. That's what they like.

So, it's terrific that you know that you look good. The part of the puzzle you seem to be missing is allowing yourself to loosen up. Play, or work-out, show them that you sweat. Know what I mean?

Best wishes sent your way....

Exxxxxxxactly...The poster may not look approachable...

[faerie_moon_x]

Perhaps you should consider the places where you go to meet men as well. If you are going to the local coffee shop, you may seem either unapproachable or very shallow just because you're "over dressed." That's just an example.

Also, do you ever take the initiative and approach a guy you find attractive? Maybe being brave and taking the first step would help. If intimidation is a factor, maybe you should try making the first move to make yourself seem more human.

Also just wanted to add, that when someone is kind of checking you out, that might really be all there is too it. I notice when someone is attractive to me, but it doesn't mean I want to pick them up or anything either. Might even just be looking at someone cool shirt or something else.

You could definitely try approaching them, as others suggested. Women don't do it all that often and I think men kind of like it when they do. I wouldn't worry so much about looks because attractiveness is very subjective anyways. What one person finds attractive another may not and vice versa. Just be yourself, look how you want to look and be confident that you are a good person with many good traits.

You might want to work on your own inner strength but I don't really think changing your looks is necessary. Don't let people place expectations on you or your looks, you are the one who is in charge of that.

Originally Posted by insideout

I have low self esteem...

Really attractive guys intimidate me.

Perhaps you should focus on that (low self esteem) first, and then the rest will fall into place

[Freefall1974]

When I first read your thread I thought you meant that "you" were being approached by less attractive women. I thought I had it solved by recommending you date the women!!!! Guess that is out of the equation.....

[insideout]

I am wondering why this thread is tagged as "borderline personality" and "women as sex objects". This thread really was not intended to address either of those issues.

[Trippin2.0]

Looks like you've got a stealth troll attached to your thread. Ask a M0D to remove the tags...

[lido78]

Maybe you should experiment next weekend. Try getting a make-under at a local Sephora or department store (so, you still feel safe with make up on but you let someone else teach you a more natural look) and go to a coffee shop with music...bring a book if you go alone but make sure you smile and really pay attention to the music....even if you are drop dead gorgeous and spend a lot of time on how you look, if you are engaged in the outside world and wear a big fat smile, I can't imagine that you would not get approached. I would generally say that overly made up girls may come off as unapproachable until they smile and show that they're real...I don't know that you have to change except to show who you really are...make up or no make up...I don't know that it matters...approachability comes from the inside...

[insideout]

today I was talking with a friend at work who said her daughter "has similar features" like me (which I think means big boobs, lol). she says her daughter has a hard time getting taken seriously too because guys can't look past her looks. Like she's a toy or a doll or something. She's frustrated cuz her daughter is a person with feelings. I feel like that sometimes. Like people just see blonde hair and big boobs.
Reading some things you guys are saying has made me think about things though. I know for one thing, I am kind of a loner. Well not kind of, I'm totally a loner. I go places by myself and when I do try to talk to people, they probably think I'm a wierdo because who goes around by themselves starting conversations with strangers?! (I do) but I don't know how else to meet anyone.
People make stupid blonde jokes at work like as if I am made of plastic and won't have any feelings about what they are saying.
I want to be able to be me, ... but to still be approachable.
I think it's gonna start inside.. but Im not sure how to begin.