[malebolge]

I'm very happy I found this site and am hoping to receive some good advice from someone. I am having several issues but am optimistic about receiving a little help and/or peace of mind. The issue that prompted me to seek out advice is as follows. My girlfriend (whom I've been with now for almost a year) revealed to me last night over the phone, in an off hand way, that she's had sex with upwards of 30 men. Which really is no big deal. I figured she'd been with as many just listening to her describe her past experiences, although I belive the number is much higher. Still I don't have the standard feelings of insecurity about (what I consider to be) such a high number of partners. During the conversation she let it be known that she had taken on two men at once when she was a teenager. Now, that coupled with the fact that's only what she's told me literally made me sick. I had the imagery stuck in my head. It caused me to gag and then throw up. And continues to make me sick and now, sadly, regretful that I've let our relationship go as far as it has. I love her, we've entrenched each other in on anothers lives to the pont where it seems and most likely is, petty for me to feel this way. I haven't chosen to feel this way. I was sickened involuntarily by it and still am. I don't blame her or wonder about measuring up. I'm just not sure I can bring myself to make love to her again or even kiss her. She's a wonderful woman. I don't like feeling this way about her but thoughts of her being railed by to men at once and then on top of that all the other likely possibilities disgust me. I've had 5 sexual partners and was married for 10 years. She's 29 I'm 32. I guess I would like to get over this as I don't want it to be a problem but I don't believe I can let it go. I have thoughts of horrible thoughts about her now. I'm not sure I can put my lips on hers again without being sickened. I can't lose her we have to much going on with each other. I still feel the same about her but am not finding this to be something I can shake off. I appreciate any advice and am willing to elaborate as we have several other issues as well all relating to sex.

[Trippin2.0]

I honestly don't know the ingredients to the magic potion that would eliminate your sickness, I feel so bad for you. Honest I do. But this is exactly the reason why I tell people that their partners don't NEED to know EVERYTHING. It saddens and angers me that she shared this with you, coz I don't see how it's relevant or helpful in your relationship... Really sorry you had to hear that. I hope the next poster has some sound advice.

[missbelle]

I wonder why she thought she should tell you all this......did she want to get a rise out of you? or what? I for one would never tell my spouse or boyfriend those things. I mean, what is the point in bringing up the past other then to make someone jealous, to get a rise out of someone or hurt them etc. Sorry but I don't get it.

Why after a year also would she want to say these things like NOW!!

I can imagine how you are feeling a little. You need to really talk with her now and see if you can save what you have. Good luck and I will be thinking of you!!

[Harley47]

I wonder if she revealed it because she felt like she needed to "come clean" to you before things go further, sort of like confessing to ease her conscious. It seems a strange thing to just randomly bring up.

What were you two talking about before this came up (IE how'd this topic come up?)? In what manner did she talk about it?

I don't think you have any reason to feel bad about how your feel. With the utmost respect to you and your girlfriend...her "record," so to speak, is a little on the extreme end of the spectrum, and I understand this is disheartening.

Give things some time, and allow yourself to digest the information fully before you act on anything. Why not talk to her about it? There has to be a reason she told you...you two might be in agreement more than you think on the matter.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I wish you my best.

[Wants2Fly]

Very sane answers. What they said.

[malebolge]

First of all, thank you for the comments I've received so far. And please as I am on a tug boat and typing on my phone, excuse the typos. Now, as to our conversation at the time. It started out regular and pleasant enough considering the topic. She was asking my advice on how to break it to her 10 yo. Son that his nearly nonexistant father was shot in the face recently and that he's most likely going to die. From there it rolled into relationship issues she had with him and past infidelities on both their parts. Now I never would have asked this question, as I know it's not something that I really need or want to know, but she had told me in the first few months of our relationship that she had 7 previous sex partners. And from some of the information I was gathering that she had not been truthful with me and that 7 was not the number of men she had been with. So, then she told that she had averaged 1-2 a year since losing her virginity at 14. But this was a guess. So then she tells me around 30. Okay, that's fine. I was upset she had lied, I hadn't really ever caught her in a lie before. I could see how that would be embarassing and why a person would lie. Okay, still really not a problem. Can't blame someone for their past although if she says "around" 30 it's probably more like 50 who knows maybe more. Typically I wouldn't doubt her but she's being vague. Still I think I can get over that. But, then as she's speaking about her son's father she off handedly mentions that she had a threesome with him and his friend. Alright, now I'm getting sick to my stomache and have definitely heard enough. I know more debauchery and most likely to a greater degree has gone on than this. I'm a fairly rational person I'd like to think. And am not particularly conservative with sexual matters, although this was a bit much and the imagery and unknowns are making have some extremely, to put it mildly, unkind thoughts and feelings about her now. I'nm doing my best to check my language. I spend half my life with guys on tugboats. Unkind is really not how I would describe these thoughts and feelings. I am on a boat right now and will be for awhile yet before I see her again. I would cut her loose most likely except other than this I really do love her she is a great girl. I don't believe she was trying to make me jealous. I know what that's like.

We have just moved in together into a new house. Her children basically look to me as a father figure. I'm 99 percent sure that she is faithful, no one's 100 percent sure of anything when it comes to others.

The lying worries me a little and angers me somewhat. The rest makes me sick and changes how I view her quite a bit. I know there is probably nothing more than to get over it or don't. But I feel like I need to do or say something. I'm really don't know how I feel about being with her in a this sort of relationship anymore. It still makes me physically ill to think of it and when I get home and have to look at her or even go to bed with her. What's going to happen then? Even if I held down the vomit and tried to put on a pleasant face I'm not going to be able to have sex with her. I know it.I am not typically a dramatic person quit e the contrary actually. I'm very concerned about being sick and disgusted part. Ugh not sure what to do at all or if there's anything I can do.

[Leed]

One thing I think I would insist upon is that she be TESTED -- unless she already has been, but I'd want to make SURE!! Anyone who has had that many partners NEEDS to be tested! And I do agree too that those numbers are pretty extreme! But whatever blows your skirt up, I guess. LOL

Personally I would never have brought all that up, but i imagine she did to clean the slate with you -- I cannot THINK of another reason she'd bring that up. If she thought that would make you jealous, I think she'd be mistaken -- most men would probably be more shocked and dismayed than jealous!!!

Since I'm sure she DID want to start "clean" with you, try not to judge her too harshly -- I think she meant well. Since she "shamed" herself for you, you should TRY to put that out of your mind and just focus on the two of you. It might be hard at first, but only think of HER when you're together.

I hope the two of you can make a go of it. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[malebolge]

Thanks lee. She is being so sweet in conversation onthe phone right now and taking care of matters so adeptly at home that while speaking to her that its not that difficult to put it aside while talking to her. But while working and trying to sleep ,which I'm getting very little of and is hard to come by anyway at work, its very sad for me because I feel as though this is becoming ever increasingly the focus of my thoughts and as I've stated I'm actually dreading seeing her now. Also she has been tested and she definitely does not have any std's. Once again thank you for the comments.

[Harley47]

Based on what you said, yes, I think she was trying to clean the slate with you. I don't think she's going to expect you to take this in 100% full stride either.

Sans mentioning the physical reaction (not to lie by omission, but I think you're in the inconvenient situation of if you do mention "it makes me sick," it's going to be perceived as a cliche insult over what actually happened), why not talk to her about this? Explain how you feel, ask why...etc etc. I do agree with Leed in that she (and, not to scare you, you, if you two have been together) should get tested.

I am forced to wonder though...what was her childhood like, do you know? Losing her virginity at such a young age coupled with the high volume of partners...to me, it hints at a red flag of some sort. Does she have a record of any type of mental illness such as depression or bipolar?

I think her "offhanded mention" was her compromise to herself on coming clean to you while trying not to make an overt issue of it. I don't think this is something she would mention if she didn't feel remorseful about it and didn't seek...not your approval, per se, but...I think she needed your recognition of the fact that it happened and your acceptance in spite of it. Keep in mind, her ex husband is likely going to die (which I might add, I am sorry to hear ). Even if she doesn't love him now, she did, and there's always the issue of breaking it to her son. She probably isn't in the best of places right now.

For now, be supportive of her and her children. Please try to give this some time. This was an offhand mention. You don't have any facts aside from that it happened. You don't know why, how she feels...anything like that. That may help sway your mind one way or the other.

At the same time, your feelings are understandable, and I wouldn't fault you for them. But I think it is in your immediate best interest to get all the facts that you can and have an open dialogue with her on how you feel before you do anything.

Please take care. Know I am praying for you.