[5887]

My 5 year old relationship ended a few days ago. I am feeling devastated and needy but I am trying my best to function. Struggling with no appetite and lack of sleep.

I keep going over in my head the reasons why things turned out poorly. The main one was that I was still married and not until this fall my children will be leaving for college.
My husband and I are ok with a separation but my romantic partner (BF) felt so burned out and unappreciated because we kept things quiet that he ended things now.

I can't really blame him but I also need to stop blaming myself. My kids came first and my work etc had to keep going. So yes my bf got a second class treatment. Maybe I burned his emotional wick, maybe he has changed and wants something else in life.

I love him dearly, and had been my closest and almost only friend. So all my routines and all my "fun down times" involved him. Now that he is done with me I have lost all my support system

We had some strange meetings recently, where he has spent time holding me and being nice. Mostly because he knows I need him and he cares for me, but I am afraid this makes things more difficult for him and even me. I also don't want him to hate me for doing this.

I want to be a better person, but i want to be completely sure that I am doing things for myself and not for him (to get him back ) or I will crash and burn.

I feel I need him so much. My anxiety is thru the roof and I am not doing well at work or home
Thanks for any advice

[IowaFarmGal]

Will you go ahead with ending the marriage do you think? Would that make a difference to him? Do you not feel like the marriage could be repaired so that you could get your needs met with in it with professional help? I think no one else could tell you what is best for you. It sounds like you postponed a decision and have paid a price for it. I could not sustain my own marriage, though in my case he is the one that left, although I ended the marriage because I could not stand to be left in limbo when it was clear he was leaving. I hope you have a good counselor to help you work through this. I'm so sorry you are in pain.

[5887]

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

Will you go ahead with ending the marriage do you think? Would that make a difference to him? Do you not feel like the marriage could be repaired so that you could get your needs met with in it with professional help? I think no one else could tell you what is best for you. It sounds like you postponed a decision and have paid a price for it. I could not sustain my own marriage, though in my case he is the one that left, although I ended the marriage because I could not stand to be left in limbo when it was clear he was leaving. I hope you have a good counselor to help you work through this. I'm so sorry you are in pain.

Thanks for the reply,
Yes I will end the marriage. It is best for everyone. My husband has expressed interest in that, and he has also developed an interest on an old friend. So the irony of it all is that I am the one alone!

I agree with your assessment that I paid a big price for a lack of action. I do regret that, but I am happy to have provided less of a complicated situation to my children until now that they leave for college.

My romantic partner feels close to me, but wants to protect his feelings, so he wants a friendship. We both I think relied on each other for company, chats, movies, and overall fun activities. So the break of those very pleasant routines is hitting us both hard.

Thanks for listening and for compassion It is very nice to have that .

[IowaFarmGal]

I'm wishing you many good things in your future and someone to share it with.

[MIMM420]

I am on the other end of your situation. It's still fresh and very painful for me to accept. My 3 year relationship ended 2 months ago. My BF who claimed how much he loved me never left his wife. They have been seperated for a year and a half yet they never filed. It wore me down mentally and emotionally and our relationship stopped working. I could no longer play the role of happy girlfriend knowing nothing was being done to give us a normal life. I spent 3 years consoling him and being the strong partner to make him feel ok while he was dealing with his emotional baggage of ending a 10+ year union with someone he loved as a person but not as a lover. He wanted me there asking me to stay and wait it out, 3 years of this. He has left me now and says he cannot get over the guilt of our affair. All this time I loved him and cared for him, protected him and I feel as if he took advantage of all of it and then just cut me off. All these years I shoved my feelings under the rug to take care of him, I let myself come second, and now I'm alone and left feeling used.

So I know how your ex BF feels. I also know how you feel too. Maybe your ex needs some time and once you spent some time alone, divorced, you can reunite sometime in the future.

[LadyShadow]

Wow such heartbreaking stories, I hope all on this thread find happiness and joy in their lives in the future, I truly do.

((((5887)))) That is really sad. I am so sorry. You mentioned your "kids come first"... I think I must have misunderstood what you meant because IMHO if that were the case, you never would have gone after someone else in the first place, non?

Please find a good T or P ASAP and start working on yourself. You cannot - and will not - be any good to anyone if you are struggling like this. And you will continue to make the same mistakes over and over at others' expense.

Best wishes. Keep posting. We are here for you!