[Joannof3]

3 yrs ago I moved across the United states to be with my fiance,,for 6months I slept on the couch because my fiancee lives with his parents,,6 months later my 3 kids moved here also.Ever since they have been here {1 1/2 yrs} the kids and I have moved and moved but now have a place of our own,,during this time the fiancee still lives with his parents and he is in the process of building a home which is just about done...now for my problem..the fiancee's mother would love nothing more than for me and my kids to go back where we came from..she tells me everything the fiancee says about me when him and I arent speaking,,,she tells me not to tell him that we talk or what she says ,,she acts like she likes me and is on my side ,but the truth is ,she is causing problems for us because she only tells me the bad things that he says and tells me that her son wont accept my kids and if we move in with him ,he will be controlling,,,I believe that if she would stay out of our relationship and not tell me things him and I would be just fine,,,lastnight I told him everything that she has been saying to me ,,he seemed to not believe some of what I was saying and left shortly after I told him .HE asked me not to tell him anymore of what she has been saying,,is this fair to me that I have to listen to it and him not to stand up for us? I feel torn between the question of will it get worse once we move in with him ? or should I just give up and go back where I came from.?..or do I stay? I love him with all my heart but I feel that his mother will win in the end..sorry this is so long ,,I need some advice please help me..p.s my finace is building his house just behind his parents home ...do you think He should step up and tell his mother to butt out ? or do you think he will ever stand up for us?..also ,during this whole time ,Finacee has never spent the night or has even had dinner with me and the kids..thanks for listening ,,,Bee

[inthedark]

That was part of what broke up my first marriage. The in laws wouldn't mind their own business. I would definitely think things through before deciding to marry this guy, especially if he tells his mother everything and talks about you behind your back. Your children should be accepted, also. After all, kids don't have a choice with what happens when parents aren't together. If it were me, I would probably turn and run the other way, also. There shouldn't have to be "sides" in relationships, especially when dealing with your fiance's mother. Just my 2 cents
inthedark

[Sam]

Hi Bee and welcome to the forum.

Ahhh, there's nothing like love ... and one certainity in life is that few mothers can resist sticking their noses and mouths into their children's love life. I guess, that mothers in general believe there are no women good enough for their sons, or that is often the way it seems, and then again, I wounder if it isn't just a power thing for the mother.

Please don't take this the wrong way, for it is not how I think, but it may be that she may like you, but would perfer her son to make his own family instead of gaining a ready made family. And again, since you have children already, she knows you have been with other men too.

But the bottom line here is this - she is somewhat controlling and apparently has an agenda to keep her son close. You say he has never been over to even eat dinner with you and your family, and I say THAT is your biggest hint. The fact that he is building his new house right behind his parents - I can understand perfectly how one could write that off as they may have given him the land, but I can and will tell you he is a mommies boy and should you continue your relationship with him - be prepared to date his mother and his father - his family.

He isn't a man, but a puppet of his mother. Yes, you may love him and I am sure losing him would hurt like Hell, but the cold hard facts here is simply this ... If you marry him, you will also be marrying his family; especially his mother.

If you elect to remain with him for the ride (and yes, I do think this will be just a ride, or else he would be spending time with you and your family - for dinner here and there if nothing else), I fear you will have short changed yourself.

You deserve a man that will make you his focal point, a man that is a man and not a boy answering to a stonger woman - his mother. And your children need a man that can look at them and know this man wants them for who they are.

If you stay - I wish you and your children the best of luck, but sweetie? I would strongly recommend that you take your children and move on to better things. If you don't, you will always have to account to his mother. I think, you will have to settle for second fiddle and you deserve better.

I do wish you the very best of luck and hope that you will keep us informed on how you are doing. I do agree with Ozzie tho - you really should go the other way.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

[Joannof3]

wow! Thank you all so much for listening to me vent and responding to me..He is great at making me think that it is all me and it makes me feel better to know that it's not just me ..I am going to live one day at a time because that is all I can do..maybe someday I will meet a man that will want to be with me and my children ,,thank you for giving me strength..take care ,..Bee

[Sam]

You're very welcome Bee (((((HUGS)))))

I love your positive attitude! And yes, I think that your soulmate is out there, and he will not play games with you, but enhance your every being.

One day at a time sounds great to me too - it is the best any of us can do I think. Live in the present, not the past, nor the future and take care of you - You are so deserving!

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."