[DiscreteSecret]

I written on this site only once. Unfortunately I cannot look up what I wrote previously. I'd like some feedback and some tips and maybe insight in this situation. I hope u dont find the post to long and it may have some grammar problems. u can just address a question with a response. Thank u in advance if u read and can give me a response.

-The problem-
*My gf has been through a lot in her life. Things i will mention and other stuff u can infer. Even from a very young age till now she suffers continously from her home to the people that have "been" there for her. She has been mistreated, used, tormented and her stress does not end till this day. I do all I can do to help her and keep her up. I try to put her before myself, and attempt to cheer her up and keep her happy. I've been through a depressing stage, and i look outside and inside the box. I listen to what people have to say, and take the advice into a thoughtful consideration, so i know i can communicate well and try to help without having a clouded judgement of what i say, but of course i am not perfect.

-Me and my gf have been going out for 6 months. We're both age 22, and old classmates from HS. We are different nationalities, she being Polish and i being Mexican. Unfortunately its a hidden relation between us for her parents.
She also has a brother that she cannot trust to keep this a secret. She also has a child thats 3 years old from a relationship gone bad i'll note in a bit.

-Her Parents are very selfish and cruel. I say this with confidence.
-Her mother was also an abused child, father was a drunk and mistreated her and her sister. Now she has become an aggressor towards her own daughter. She calls her ungrateful, pig, lazy, useless and these are just simple occasional things that are said. She blames her "miserable" life on my gf. Has told her she wishes she was either dead or never born. My gf, cannot run away from this, and is her tormentor all morning. And her mom expects her to live with it like its nothing, like nothings being said. The lastest thing said was over how my over a morning conversation, my GFs dad and mom were bickering over the young child. My gf added as a joke, for some humour that her mother had given coffee to the child when she was much younger. Her mom instantly scolded her and verbally abused her, to the point that she called my gf judas and started crying. Despite me telling my gf to call me when she had the urge to hurt herself, she went through with cutting herself.

-Her father is a truckdriver and works until friday or saturday. He treats his daughter like a a scertary with zero gratitude. No matter what, he sends her out to do his own paperwork because he refuses to learn english. He has her handle everything from lawyers to his taxes that he didnt pay for a year. its ALL HER OBLIGATION. His own medicine for diabetes needs to be refilled every two weeks or so, and he wont mention it to her until its the last day, and tell her off because he didnt have any. Its very self centered and unjust. The miscommunication between Him and the mother causes her to recieve the yelling also. Someone forgot to tell My GF something, because X reason, its officially her fault regardless of her being aware or not. Even if she was on top of the whole house, she will never receive a thank u and still is "****ing" something up.

-She has been in bad relationships with plenty of abusive bfs. At 18 she left her to move out with someone she thought she could trust. He wouldnt let her leave, she had to sneak out and stay elsewhere, and yet she would come back because she had no choice. Unfortuantly this particuliar individual gave her no choice but to have sex with him. He left her pregnant with a child and could care less for the child. Put her through hell to take the child only because of his parents wanting custody and it turns out, he got another girl pregnant now with a year old child. U can see the type of trash we have as neighbours. She won the custody, least i think, but she refuses to tell me with her final hearing.

-She has been through a lot... she is happy somedays, utterly destroyed other days. I love this girl, and I understand the responsiblites that come with out relationships. They are not burdens to me. I do feel stressed and weak days i cant help and days she lashes around, but we have good times, and i wanna continue having those days with her. I know its possible. I just need some help, and a direction to take. Even if our relationship doesnt work, i want to help her as a friend still. She doesn't deserve this pain.

[Bella01]

Can your gf get a job so she can move her and the child out of that house. It seems to me that it is unhealthy for both her and her child. Or couldn't she get finanical help from the state or county?

[DiscreteSecret]

Originally Posted by Bella01

Can your gf get a job so she can move her and the child out of that house. It seems to me that it is unhealthy for both her and her child. Or couldn't she get finanical help from the state or county?

Her parents on top of that limit her oppurtunities to go out. She has to either beg to go out on a week end or 21 questions why she went to the store. If shes out more than 10 minutes what is she doing and why is it taking longer than it should. She has been able to come out, but most of the time its, "why would u need to go out at all, instead of staying here." They wont allow her verbally to get a job and its at the point where she refuses to try anything because its always landed her in trouble. She only goes to school, but what shes doing wont matter if she doesnt leave the house or decide to get defy her parents and find a job but come the issue of her daughter. Her parents say the life she has is as good as it gets, and she should stop daydreaming of moving to Washington. She told her with deep consideration to even tell her of what she wanted to do with her life and they dont care. They want her to work for them and nothing more, thats why they break her down like this.

[Leed]

This is too bad. I applaud you for being so supportive of your girlfriend. But you know, she's 22 years old and she's of legal age! I don't know if you're in the United States of not, but it MOST countries, 22 is old enough to be on your own! She doesn't NEED her parents approval to do ANYTHING. She has the legal right to LEAVE her parents home without their permission!!! They cannot MAKE her stay there! They have NO power over her.

So if she wants to leave, she can! Why is she so afraid of them? What are they going to do to her if she leaves? Can't you two get AWAY from them? Don't you have the resources to get away? Or doesn't she want to?

If you do NOT live in the U.S., you could move to another city. OR if you got the proper paperwork, and had enough money, you could even move to the United States! They cannot stop you! She's old enough to go wherever she wants!

What is stopping her from leaving? If it's fear of her parents because they'll beat her or something, she NEEDS to get out of there!! If they're abusive, she NEEDS to leave!! That's not a safe place for her. She should NOT be living in an abusive atmosphere.

Again, I'm glad she has you to support her. If there's something you can do about her situation, and she's willing to go, then do it. I wish you the very best. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[DiscreteSecret]

We do live in the U.S.
She left at the age of 18. She was going to stay with her friend, who would have really taken care of her, but her father said she couldn't.... she would have been safe there if it wasn't for stone age ideals and macho fathers who don't care about anyone but themselves. In she end she went with some guy who took her in, but just wanted to take advantage of her. He succeeded because he left her with a child and forced into signing into a marriage to basically own her. She wanted to escape from one place and ended up in another hell hole and right back into her previous cell. Once she found out she was pregnant she asked her parents to take her back in, which at first they didn't but well not shes been there for 4 years.

She has told her parents about the pain shes gone through. She has opened her self to her mother only for her to tell her she should deal with it. She told her about the cuts that shes maded on herself because she feels empty and numb. Her mother is a selfish hag though who thinks her life was ruined because of her daughter.

I've offered her a home with me, and told her she can choose to come here, nothing was being forced. If she took my offer it would be her home as much as mine, and there would be no form of incarceration, no forcing things upon her, and that my family agreed and were sympathetic. My family cares about what I feel about her, and would gladly bring her into the family as a family member, it doesn't matter that she has a child. I love her little girl as much as her. We aren't backwater inbred imbeciles that are one minded. We dont have tunnel vision and are open to suggestions and talking things out. When i told her this she broke up in tears and asked me to leave her alone for the day. I talked with her about this with honesty and truth, but her past haunts her, and i guess she is afraid of taking control of her life.

Recently we got into a car accident while i was driving her car. We were headed towards a graduation party to get her mind off of the previous day her mom made ignoring ehr and calling her Judas. Unfortunately I did not see a fast driver coming zooming by while making a left turn into the woods. We were both sober, i was obeying the traffic signals and speed limits. It was an accident, a very unfortunate one. We managed to get past it, but she was still shooken up. We're both physically fine but she still thinks about the accident since it hit the rear bumper and she was obviously in the passenger seat. We still going through insurance stuff but it wasn't our fault, but she cant tell them i as driving because of the fear of liablities and her parents knowing i was with her. This isnt the worst part, its the fact that no matter how much it was an accident her mom is blaming her right now, and giving her so much trash talk that she cut herself 3 times now. Sadly im at wits ends. I know my goal is to keep hoping and helping her, but i think im failing if i cant stop her. I could before, but now she doesnt even want to apologize to me or herself about doing it. I dont will not call anybody 911 unless i know her life is in complete danger and she decided to suicide because she has a daugher and putting her through that would probably destory her mind.

Im sorry i've posted so much, but as much as she needs to vent so do I. I just wish I had the solution and maybe a magic lamp to change her life around. Right now i just have my presence doing its best to keep her on track. I'd apprecaite any ideas on how to prevent her from cutting her. I tried telling her to put tape with my number and another friends so she could think about it before she did it, but she used several pretexts and excuses to tell me she couldnt. Anything will do, thank u.

[Jan1212]

You can't force her to do anything and it's upsetting that you can't, giving her the options is the most you could do. If she chooses to stay at home with psychotic parent, she needs to deal with it somehow, and all you can give is emotional support. She is severely scarred for life and she will need lifelong emotional support and coping and I agree taking her in would be so much better. This situation is so bad, just being anywhere else in the whole wide world would be better. Just keep doing what you're doing, but don't let it get so bad you start hurting yourself

How far do you guys live from each other?

[pretty_me123]

Tough situation but I think if your girlfriend really wants to change her situation, she will. I mean think about it, she's a 22 year old mother. She's not a kid. How much longer will she live under her parents? She will have to stand her ground, get determined to get a job and start a new life of her own, her parents would have to understand that. All you can do is help her realize this. She has to be brave and stand up for herself, and try to do it without alienating her family but there are no guarantees there. And I'm sorry that you have to hide your relationship because you are of different ethnicity. That is just so pathetic in 2012! It's sad that two people who love eachother have to deal with that. I think she's way too afraid of her parents because she has allowed them to control her for years. She needs you to help build her courage. The rest is up to her. Good luck!