[odoyle]

A few weeks ago I found out that my wife recently ended an inappropriate online relationship with another guy. As far as I know, it never got past the X-Rated Facebook messaging stage, but it's possible she is not giving me the whole story so as not to hurt me any more than she already has.

We've only been married 8 for months. I love her very much, and I am completely devoted to her, but I am tormented by fears that this will happen again. I have nightmares, I am not sleeping or eating properly, and my mental health is deteriorating.

We have been working very hard on our relationship since I found out about the other guy. I believe that she does want to make things right, and she has been very open with me; she does not try and hide her Facebook, Hotmail, phone, etc.

The problem is, she expects a level of trust that I simply cannot give her yet. Trust, ironically, is what caused this in the first place. She started talking to this other guy because she felt that I did not trust her "enough".

The thing is, I always trusted her. Until this.

The few weeks of rebuilding have been amazing. We haven't been this close or tender with each other since we first met. But it doesn't take away the sting of finding out that you've been betrayed. It doesn't make the nightmares go away.

I want to trust her again. And I do, to an extent. But I don't know how to let my guard down. Or if I even should.

[odoyle]

It's been 7 months since I made that post. For a long time, questions would keep popping into my head about what happened, why it happened, stuff like that. I was able to push them out of my mind, mostly, but even now those thoughts sometimes still creep back.

We don't talk about what happened anymore. She would get angry anytime I tried to bring it up after the initial confrontation. Talking made me feel better, but made her feel worse. She didn't like being reminded of the guilt and the humiliation of me finding out. So to spare her that pain I've had to bury a lot, and try to move past it. I do it because I love her, but I don't think she understands how hard it is. I think she expects me to just shrug it off.

Something I don't think I'll ever be able to get over is the fear that it's going to happen again. Not so much if, but when. She doesn't communicate very well, and I think she uses varying degrees of cheating as a way of lashing out emotionally. She did it several times to her ex, but I never imagined it would happen to me. I'm not him. I'm not the jerk that he was. I guess I should have seen it coming.

I'm not sure if I'm just overly sensitive now, and have an increased need for communication, or if our ability to communicate with each other has been damaged by this mess. We don't talk like we use to. It's a struggle to get her to talk about her emotions and feelings. That's hard for me, because I'm a very emotional guy.

I feel part of me slipping away, not caring anymore. Ever since it happened I've been thinking about moving back to my hometown. I don't want to give up on us, but sometimes I feel like I'm in this alone with someone who wants to pretend that everything is fine. It's not fine. Things have changed, and to me that's a tragedy.

I just want things to be the way they were before. Sometimes I feel like she's faking it; being happy with me. To what end, I've got no idea. There's nothing in it for her, except maybe saving face in front of her family.

I feel like damaged goods; like part of my psyche has been permanently scarred. If I did end it, move back home, find someone else, would the fear still be there?

[NinaNina]

I don't have any advice for you, but I just had to comment because everything you wrote about how your feeling is exactly what I'm going through right now. And everything you wrote about how your wife acts about everything is exactly what my boyfriend acts like in regards to the situtations that led to my trust issues with him. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and there is someone here that knows EXACTLY what feelings you are going through. If I ever figure out how to deal with it...I'll be sure to pass it along. I wish you the best in this hard time.

[odoyle]

Originally Posted by NinaNina

I don't have any advice for you, but I just had to comment because everything you wrote about how your feeling is exactly what I'm going through right now. And everything you wrote about how your wife acts about everything is exactly what my boyfriend acts like in regards to the situtations that led to my trust issues with him. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and there is someone here that knows EXACTLY what feelings you are going through. If I ever figure out how to deal with it...I'll be sure to pass it along. I wish you the best in this hard time.

Thanks NinaNina. It's comforting to know that someone understands, but I'm sorry that you're going through the same thing. I wish you all the best, as well.

[sweetandsour]

Originally Posted by odoyle

Thanks NinaNina. It's comforting to know that someone understands, but I'm sorry that you're going through the same thing. I wish you all the best, as well.

i thought i was one case in this whole world too but now i find out there are so many similar cases everywhere. but what i don't understand is why God gave us the wrong partner who will just fill our life with soooo much suffering.
i'm going through same situation with my husband. he cheated and expects me to forget and forgive as he said sorry but ITS NOT THAT EASY. you are always on your gardes for fear you find out something else.
at the beginning when i found out the relationship as you mentioned odoyle was great never as before but then the cheat would always come to my mind and now i'm on a point where i don't want to continue. i just want him to be around for the sake of our daughter and not to expect anything from me emotionally because i can't trust again and i'm hurt deep down.
If anyone of us three find out a way please do share because i feel i'm going down now near to deppression and of all its not easy when you are alone..

[pretty_me123]

I wish all 3 of you the best and hope things work out for the best in time. Just goes to show we all have our crosses to bear, but we must also know that whatever difficult times we may face won't last forever. A good quote is "weeping may endure at night but joy comes in the morning."

[Harley47]

I...actually very recently went through something quite similar, though in my instance, it turns out I was the other guy...never even knew. Good God does it hurt.

I offer that to tell you I do understand how you feel. It is incredibly hard. The fear of it happening again, I think, is going to be a constant factor until you two really sit down and talk about it. She cannot rightfully expect you to brush this off. She needs to understand that while you're trying to work through this, she has to help you.

I would recommend you two sit down, and explore this from every angle. Why she did this, how you feel, how she felt and feels...everything. Only then, I think, will it subside.

I offer you my PM box if you need me, or any perspective I can offer. I wish you my best.

[Leed]

It just sounds to me like you two need couples counseling. One of the big things couples have trouble with is communication and trust --and counseling can help immensely with both those issues. How about giving that a try? It sure can't hurt. And if at the end of the counseling, you two still can't make it work, you at least have given it a GOOD try and will have no regrets.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope things work out. God bless! Hugs, Lee