[CherryEcho]

Hey everyone! I’m very happy right now….well was. I have had my fair share of losers in my life, romantically speaking anyways. But I think I have myself a keeper. Well I want to think of this post as a 2 in one, my first boyfriend and my present boyfriend and how I treated/treat them. First let us start off with my first boyfriend, Aaron.

Aaron was a very sweet boy, I met him in an outpatient center for mental illness. I was fresh out of inpatient (more on that later) and I was really looking to heal. I met Aaron because he was sitting down in a table and he welcomed me to the center. I thought he was sweet but a little bit strange at the same time, he seem very socially awkward because he said certain things that made no sense what so ever and were inappropriate for the conversation. I get to talking to him and I found out he was very funny and creative. Two things I loved very much about him. I soon found out he was diagnosed with Asperger’s (thus being kind of socially awkward at the age of 17) and he in the center for anger management issues, something that alarmed me very much. He explained that his anger was directed to step-father, not to anyone else. We got together one day and established that we should go out and so we did. The problem was that me and him lived a good hour apart from each other and the only days we could see each other was through the center on Wednesdays and all we could do was talk on the phone all other days. He was discharged soon after we started dating and I began having irrational fears of him cheating on me, so thus the verbal abuse begins. I began calling him up cursing him out and crying then before he could get any significant words in edge wise I would hang up. Then a few hours later I would call again and I would act as if nothing happened and that he was lying about me crying and cursing him out. He would be confused but he carried conversation with me anyways. This happened very often in fact, even more toward the end of the relationship. There were a few times that my brothers drove me to his house so we can hang out, then that’s when the physical abuse began. One time during our hang out sessions he said something that made me mad so I hit him in his face. He was hurt (emotionally) that I would hit him but he didn’t complain about it. Then it became a cycle, he would say something I didn’t agree with I would hit him. Then I just started hitting him for no reason what so ever. I would like to think I don’t hit very hard but sometimes he would stagger as he tried to walk away. One day after a good 2 months of this happening I called him and he said “I really don’t want to talk today, I’m sorry. We can talk tomorrow” I said okay and we hung up. The next day I called him around the same time I had called him the day before and he said “I think it would be best if we broke-up” honestly I wanted to laugh, matter of fact I giggled a little bit and said “Okay, what do you want me to do about that?” he was confused and asked why wasn’t I heart broken or anything. I said “I don’t know, but you expect me to cry over you or about it or something?” he proceeded to tell me that I should keep his number and be friends. When I hung up with him i continued my own way. A few days of not calling him, I deciced that it would be best to just delete his number because I wasn’t really using it so why have it take up space in my phone? I did care for him but I was really young, I thought that was how a relationship should have worked. I was 14 and I always saw relationships were one was hurting the other and I refused to be the one getting hurt, so I hurt him before he could hurt me.

This now brings me to my current boyfriend which I love very much . Gordon is 19 and very sweet. But let me take it back. When I had just turned 14, I was admitted into an adolescent psychiatric ward (inpatient). While I was waiting, to get evaluated (I was in a hospital that had no type of psychiatric waiting room, just a few beds outside of rooms with people with a medical problem) I was hearing some doctors talk about a boy. This boy was Gordon. Gordon was a "high risk" case, said to have taken too many anti-seizure medicine causing him to go into a coma. He came out of it about a day before and that for his first day in the ward he would have to be closely monitored to make sure that he was fine. I took interest in him because of what he was trying to do. I wondered if he would be in the ward with me. So when I arrived into in ward it was 4 in the morning and I was scared beyond belief. When I thought of inpatient I thought of a bunch of crazy people trying to fight each other and angry people. Around 6 in the morning I heard a bed roll into the hallways (I was so scared I couldn’t fall asleep). By this time I am freaking out because I don’t know anyone in here and a bed rolling into the ward….not good. Anyways at 8 I was told to get out of bed for breakfast and I sat at a table by myself while everyone else was crowed around the other table that was there. They all hung out and talked while I was just sitting lonely at the other table. I didn’t eat breakfast, I more or less just sat there analyzing everyone and everything. Then I saw this boy with a blue hoodie. He was sitting away from both tables just looking at people. Then get got up and walked to my table and sat down and asked me if I was going to eat my breakfast tray. I said no and nonchalantly gave him my food. He was adorable in my eyes , but I wasn’t there to get a boyfriend, I was there to go get help for my issues. He tried talking to me but I was far too shy to say much. He sounded spacy, as if he smoked too much of something. Anyways in group I took a liking to him because he was a jokester , always trying to make the people who ran the group therapy session mad. He made me laugh a whole lot . Me and him shared some very special moments in there together. For instance I had never eaten ice cream with chocolate cookies in it. So one night when we were allowed to eat ice cream and we were given chocolate cookies, he immediately broke them apart and put it in his ice cream. I looked at him and asked “what are you doing?” he said “eating cookies and cream ice cream. Haven’t you ever ate it?” I responded “no” and he stopped eating his ice cream and crushed up my cookies and sprinkled them on my ice cream. He told me to eat it, that it tasted very good. So I did and....well you guys get the idea. Me and him hung out 24/7 in there. We were almost inseparable, he was older than me so we were rarely ever in the same group but when we were we would sit either across from one another or next to each other. But one memory I keep deep in my heart is when I left inpatient. When I went to leave I asked him for a hug and when we hugged I felt everything was right in the world and that I could never be hurt by anything or anyone.
Well me and him lost touch after inpatient, but me being bored thought I should look for him on a social networking site. And I found him, that was the beginning of last school year. Me and him began to talk and we forged a stronger friendship up until Saturday. We started talking and he asked me out, out of nowhere. I said yes, and here I am now. He has problems however because I found out the reason why he always sounded so spacy, was because he does indeed smokes…well you already know. And this is my 2nd day without talking to him. I write him where ever I can and he doesn’t respond. I like to think that he is working but at random times of the day the social networking site says he is on and when I say hi, he doesn’t respond. I am a highly emotional person so when I see something like that I get fears of like “He hates me” “he is using me” “he is cheating on me” and so on and so forth. I know you guys are thinking that I shouldn’t be feeling this way since this is just the beginning but when I fall for a guy, I fall very hard and I jump head first into relationships. Another thing is, Gordon is very sweet just like Aaron was and I’m scared I will drive Gordon away just like I drove Aaron away. I don’t want to physically or verbally abuse Gordon, he always makes me smile and he always has a way to make me feel beautiful, I really don’t want to hurt him. I don’t know how to really avoid another Aaron situation but hopefully you guys can help. I know I write a whole lot but there is always a reason for writing a lot in my case. I have to tell you the whole story so you won’t be confused and lost. Anyways thank you for listening and I hope you have an amazing day/night and I hope you are safe and take care.

[Sojourn]

Heyas Cherry,

I applaud that you enjoy writing. You provide a lot of details and you enjoy sharing which is a good quality.

I am sorry to hear about what happened with Aaron. It seems you became rather harsh with him over time. I understand, however, that you have struggled with some serious issues of your own. It seems you didn't understand how abusive your behavior might have been towards him at the time. It's a shame that you had such a skeptical view of relationships too. It's true that relationships have their ups and downs and sometimes we get hurt. A healthy relationship tho is not based on intentionally hurting each other as I am sure you have learned by now.

I'm glad that you are excited to be in contact with Gordon again. He sounds like a fun guy. You made some good memories together during a tough time for both of you. I especially like the part about discovering the yumminess of cookies and ice cream together, hehe.

If I were to offer some advice... for the present time it might be more advantageous for you to concentrate on yourself. It sounds like you could use more self-esteem and finding some peace with yourself in your life at the moment. You are still quite young and have a lot of life ahead of you and there will be plenty of time for relationships as you get older. From your previous posts I get the impression there are still quite a few things you are struggling with but you are making good improvements (like your dieting issues). I think some of the anxiousness you are experiencing in your relationships relates back to the anxiousness you have with yourself. If that bleeds over into a dating relationship it can complicate things which can lead to difficulties and heartache. And you probably don't need that right now.

Again, I think it is fantastic that you are opening up here and sharing. That is a really positive and courageous thing to do. Thank you for sharing your life experiences thus far. I look forward to hearing more about your journey and how you continue to improve as you move forward.

[Confusedinomicon]

Sojourn is 100% right.

I've been dating a guy since the last year of hs (when I was 18 and he was 19) for about 5 years. It's not pretty and it's not easy at all. It's probably one of the most awkward and painful time periods because we're still growing up and finding out own person. You have to put extra effort in to make sure you're growing the same way and find hobbies you can do together. You don't "stay in love" you "work at staying in love" after the initial 'cloud nine' passes. It's even harder if it's online and you can't see the person. (And more difficult if you're still in hs and he's working...then you have to be careful about statutory rape laws if you aren't 18 yet)

Do you see Gordon in person?

[CherryEcho]

Thank you, both of you for taking the time out to respond to me it means a whole lot. yeah i am making improvments and im trying to keep making them. Sojourn thank you for the advice i will be sure to include it into my life some how and make certain adjustments to get better.
Confusedinomicon: yeah i understand what you are saying, and me and him plan to see each other durning the summer because he lives a little bit away from me and yes i know about that law, i hate it but what can i do about it? But me and him should be fine because i am over the age of consent in NJ which should keep him pretty safe but im not 100% sure. but thank you
to both of you thanks again for taking the time out to write on this thread and giving me a little bit of advice it means a whole lot

[Confusedinomicon]

If you are thinking about having sex, you should look into taking birth control and buying condoms before you see him....or some kind of safe-sex measure.

Don't have vaginal sex without any kind of precaution. Talk to your parents to see a gyno and be safe/prepared. ONLY participate in sexual activity when YOU feel ready. Don't do ANYTHING if he says "I'll love you if you do this." (Or anything that sounds like this) Please be safe!

[CherryEcho]

Yes i know, i have condom money stashed away in my room, however i refuse to tell my mother about my sexual activities. i was raised to save sex until marriage but since i have already had sex i dont see the point of saying no now because i really do have feelings for Gordon. I will be safe and thank you this means a whole lot