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#1
May 23, 2012, 10:23 AM
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Hello everyone. I have been friends with my "best" friend for about 17 years. We met the first day of kindergarten, and other than a few years in public school where we didn't see eachother much, we have been friends ever since.
Especially all through high school and since then, we have been best friends. We would talk several times a day, see eachother several times a week, talk about anything etc. Whenever we fought, which was not often, it would last about an hour before one of us would apologize and we would laugh about it saying there was no point in holding a grudge since we would just make up anyways. Last summer, I went through a tough time, and she was really there for me. In the fall, I met my current boyfriend, and we began spending a lot of time together. In my previous relationship, my ex and I would hang out with my best friend all the time, and it was not an issue. But for a reason I'm still not sure of, my best friend completely changed when I started seeing my boyfriend, and has been completely unsupportive of anything I have done ever since, in relation to my relationship or not. She honestly has seemed to have a hate on for my boyfriend ever since the beginning, even though she refused to get to know him. For the past seven months, our friendship has deteriorated. She has been so hurtful to me and degrading, and just plain mean for no reason at all. She gets mad at me for everything, and has been completely immature. She hasn't supported a single thing I have done the past several months, including moving into my first apartment, which she hasn't asked about or shown any interest in coming to see, and I've been there for about a month. She has had me in tears countless times the past several months, and after speaking to mutual friends and my mother about it, I have decided I cannot continue to be friends with her, at least not right now. One of our mutual friends, who my best friend has spoken to about me several times, agrees that she has just been downright mean to me for no reason. Her, my mother, and my boyfriend all told me they think she's jelous that I am doing well in my job and life and that I have been so happy. I know she doesn't want to not be friends with me anymore, but I just cannot deal with her anymore, as hard as that is. And I think if we were ever to be friends again, I would need her to, on her own, apologize for how she has been treating me without me having to explain all the ways she has hurt me. Has anyone else had to deal with losing a best friend in this way? Even though I think its for the best and I haven't done anything to deserve the treatment I have been getting, I still feel a bit guilty as we've been friends for so long. |
 Lalatin, Matsudoki, rainboots87
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#2
May 23, 2012, 11:34 AM
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I doubt she's jealous, coz like you said, this change started when you started dating your bf. Idk her, so I can't say. But if you've confided in her about your bf what you have divulged here, she might be mad at you or even dissapointed. Sounds idiotic doesn't it? But highly possible. I had a friend, who now hardly has friends, her own sisters avoid her. All bcoz she confides in them about her crap bf, and honestly the guys a loser. Shadey illegal dealings, verbal, financial and emotional abuse, plus he's a womaniser. Why have we all turned our backs on her? Coz despite her incessant crying and ranting, rapid weight loss from lack of appetite, lack of sleep (that WE saw her thru, N0T him) she still idolizes him, and worships the ground he walks on, won't leave him and bites off anybody's head that dare point out his flaws. Says she just can't be alone. We, found that a VERRY bitter and sad pill to swallow, that she would sacrifice herself like that for a jerk. Ugh. So, I'm not saying your bf is like this guy, but he might be the reason your friend has changed, maybe she thinks you deserve better. Btw that is me being completely presumptious about you telling her everything. If that's not the nature of your friendship, then I'm as baffled as you are. Hope you guys figure it out. XOXO
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#3
May 23, 2012, 03:01 PM
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Lol thank you for your reply- but no she does not know of anything that has gone on- as her changed attitute started before any of it happened.
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#4
May 24, 2012, 02:52 AM
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 maybe she has a thing for your bf? Or feels neglected. Idk, but I hope you guys work thru it, real friends are priceless.
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 NinaNina
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#5
May 24, 2012, 11:54 AM
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It seems to me that this long term friendship is too priceless to just "let go."
Why don't you see if she'll meet you somewhere and you two can sit down and calmly DISCUSS what is wrong?? Ask her NICELY to tell you what went wrong -- ask her what she's mad at. Let her tell you why she's "hurt" (if in fact she IS hurt) but put it that way so that gives her an "out" so-to-speak. You don't want to appear to be accusing her of anything because then she'll get on the defensive right off the bat -- So just ask her why she's "hurt." A friendship of 17 years CAN'T just be thrown away -- you two have shared everything.  You have to try everything you can to save it, or you'll regret it. If meeting doesn't work, at least you'll have the knowledge that you tried the best you could to save it. Best of luck and I hope & pray that it works. Let us know, will you? God bless. Hugs, Lee 
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#6
May 24, 2012, 12:04 PM
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There's a few things that could be going on with her....
1) She is jealous of your relationship. Is your man attractive? Is he her type. Is she single? 2) She wants your man. What have you told her about your relationship? 3) She's jealous of the fact that you are spending time with someone else more than her and maybe she feels that he is taking her place. 4) She could be single and miserable. These are all obvious guesses. I need to know what she said in order to give a better response but it's most likely one of the above. She started acting funny AFTER you started dating your bf? Yea, gotta be one of the above. On a side note. It is never wise for a female to voice her objections about her best friend's man. NEVER good. In a lot of situations it will end badly. The fact that you said that she dislikes him for no reason. Are you sure there is nothing that he has done? The fact that she dislikes him really makes me believe it's jealousy. Why else would he bother her so much? He is abusive towards you? Is he mean to you? On a side note, are you sure that you are really done with your friends? You two have been friends since kindergarten (that is too cute by the way. I wish I had a friend I knew that long). If the relationship is truelly over, then it's over. Try to get closure. If she was really hurtful towards you then let her go. Maybe she will come back around.
__________________
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, & Wisdom to know the difference. To live is to suffer, and to survive is to find meaning in that suffering |
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#7
May 24, 2012, 01:59 PM
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#8
May 24, 2012, 02:43 PM
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The only actual fact she has stated about her disapproval, is that she once told me she thought he was too old for me. (He is 7 and a half years older). I have thought, and many have told me that she is likely jelous, maybe not of him in particular, but of our relationship. I always tried to continue to do lots with her. Obviously I spend a lot of time with him, but I always tried to still do lots with her, but our schedules conflict and she always blamed lack of plans on me. When I say I'm done with her, I don't mean that it I never want to see her again. I know more than anyone how amazing our friendship has been, and I do not want to lose it. It's like she has become a different person. I have been in tears countless times because of her the past several months. I just feel like right now, there's nothing I can do, and I do not want someone in my life that is causing me constant hurt and stress. Of course I hope she comes around eventually. Thanks again for your support 
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#9
May 24, 2012, 08:12 PM
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The first thing that struck me was the timing of her attitude shift. I don't think it unreasonable to think that she had a thing for this guy, and you "stole" him.
I think you should, as Leed said, try to sit her down and talk about this. There has to be a reason, and if there's a reason, it can be fixed. If she won't have that talk with you, THEN it might be time to look at letting her go, sad as that is. I am sorry. I hope things work out for you.
__________________
The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
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#10
May 25, 2012, 07:43 AM
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#11
May 25, 2012, 07:52 AM
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If my bff changed that drastically in such a short time, and not just toward me, but toward others too, I'd honestly be very worried about her...
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| dailyhealing
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#12
May 26, 2012, 01:59 AM
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Well I am thinking this might call for an old fashioned, handwritten letter. Sometimes trying to talk with someone puts them on the defensive, but a letter would allow her safety and privacy. Don't make assumptions that she is hot for your man, because that may not be the issue at all. Try to take the middle road, while you should tell her she is hurting your feelings, also express concern that something is bothering her and how much you are worried about her. Express how valuable her friendship is to you. Give her the option of sending a reply, or calling you. The hard part will be accepting that for one reason or another she may choose not to respond, or engage in dialogue with you at this time. Well that's my two cents
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| NinaNina
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#13
May 27, 2012, 07:41 AM
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All bcoz she confides in them about her crap bf, and honestly the guys a loser. Shadey illegal dealings, verbal, financial and emotional abuse, plus he's a womaniser. Why have we all turned our backs on her? Coz despite her incessant crying and ranting, rapid weight loss from lack of appetite, lack of sleep (that WE saw her thru, N0T him) she still idolizes him, and worships the ground he walks on, won't leave him and bites off anybody's head that dare point out his flaws. Says she just can't be alone. We, found that a VERRY bitter and sad pill to swallow, that she would sacrifice herself like that for a jerk.
Im going through this with my sister.Eversince I told her to leave him and did not attend a dinner with her bf she has ditched me. Do they ever get out of this? I dont want her feeling lonely but what is it with women like these? |
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#14
May 27, 2012, 08:43 AM
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I was glad to read towards the end there that you do not want to entirely give up on the relationship. But throughout reading all these posts one thing became clear, your friend is struggling. You stated it's not just with you but also other people notice it. You also stated you have tried to talk to her about these things with no luck. I wonder though if you shouldn't give it one more try, perhaps from a different perspective. I can tell from your posts that your feelings are hurt by what she has done, and I think that's an appropriate reaction to how she has treated you. BUT, I don't think this is about you.
I mean no offense, but one thing in there you stated hit me a bit wrong. You said "And I think if we were ever to be friends again, I would need her to, on her own, apologize for how she has been treating me without me having to explain all the ways she has hurt me." I think if she is really hurting (which I have no doubt she is from what you say) that maybe it would be good for you to meet her halfway with this. I like the idea stated earlier of a letter if in person contact has been unsuccessful. Perhaps you could share with her why you are hurt, even though I'm sure it feels as though you shouldn't have to. I really do understand THAT feeling. However, in her state of hurt she likely cannot see how she is affecting others around her. And I also think to express real concern for her, and to share with her how important your friendship is with her. I don't mean to presume you haven't done some of these things, but it sounds like not all options have been explored and I think your friend really needs help right now. She may still reject it and not be ready, but at least then you will be able to feel as though you have done everything you could to help her and your relationship with her. Sorry for the long reply, but your post really grabbed me. Good luck, and I hope to hear more about how things turn out.
__________________
dailyhealing "Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." - Helen Keller Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than those who are most content. –Bob Dylan “If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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#15
May 27, 2012, 10:26 AM
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#16
May 28, 2012, 09:02 AM
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#17
May 28, 2012, 09:04 AM
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#18
May 28, 2012, 10:43 AM
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It might be you two are just naturally drifting apart. Unfortunately, that does happen.
I do think she deserves the opportunity to redress what she is doing that upsets you, but outside of giving her that chance, if she is upsetting you more than she is being your friend, it might mean things have simply run their course.
__________________
The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
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#19
May 28, 2012, 11:09 AM
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#20
May 28, 2012, 06:40 PM
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I'm completely on board with irreplaceable. I think it's definitely one of those options.
While it's a little less than direct, I suggest you write out a short, direct list of things you need her to know, and what you need answered. Likely, How you felt about her before, how you saw that her actions changed recently, how you feel about her now, and what you want or need, which is clarity and some kind of resolution. Tell her that you guys can't move forward in the current state of your relationship, which is hostile, confusing. Try not to accuse or blame, but just tell her that this is how you're seeing things. Then, write out an email or letter to her and be sure to address those points. Don't write it at a moment when you are angry or bitter, but calm. Try to write it out in 1 shot while you are in the same mental place, put it away for a few days, and come back to edit it when you're mind and eyes are fresh. If you can't speak to her and get the answers you want, writing a letter will at least allow you to say everything you need to say with interruption, her walking away, whatever, and you know you've done what you could to salvage the relationship. At that point, it will be in her hands to decide what your fate as friends is. Hopefully, she'll put her passive behavior aside and will tell you what her problem is. And if she doesn't, at least you'll have tried, won't have any regrets about how you handled things, and can put some end to this madness. Good luck xo! |
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#21
May 29, 2012, 09:54 AM
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| PsychGirl123
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#22
May 30, 2012, 04:37 PM
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Good luck! Keep us posted. It's always great to see how things pan out. Let's hope this turns out for the best.
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| NinaNina
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#23
Jun 07, 2012, 12:01 PM
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I finally was able to write all my thought to her in an email today. It feels like a weight off the shoulders.
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| PsychGirl123
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#24
Jun 08, 2012, 03:54 PM
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Without reiterating what everyone else has said, I think she is actually just jealous although she might not act it, but she may be scared of losing you as well. But you've been friends so long, your boyfriend isn't worth ending your 17 year friendship with. The best solution for all would be a way to make all three of you happy her, you and the boyfriend. Are you spending enough time with your friend? If you're not perhaps she feels "replaced".
Here is a quote I recall from someone, I think it's true... "Girlfriends/boyfriends may come and go but best friends are there for life" Edit Eh late response, but still ...
__________________
 "It's only after you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything" |
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#25
Jun 11, 2012, 10:29 AM
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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