[marytriquetra]

Today was my first day at my first new job. I worked a 5 hour shift with some really nice people who I was able to get to know and everything was great. It is a job so it isn't the most entertaining thing in the whole world (its only part time, shop job), but I think I'm going to really like it there. One thing I did notice today though, is that two of the guys I was working with, my supervisor and a colleague, they are taller than me and because it was my first day had to help me out a lot.

The point is that as any person might I felt kind of helpless and vulnerable, they are both older than me although only be a year or two, and they were really nice so I didn't feel endangered in any way, the thing that made me feel a wee bit... off, was that they seemed to really want to take responsibility for me. I felt small and weak and they were always there to help me with a grin on their face and a warm greeting ready and waiting, and this feeling of vulnerability I got kind of felt NICE. It's that which made me feel kind of weird.

The abuse I went through as a child was horrible, I hated it with my entire being because I hated being so helpless and vulnerable and it made me sick. That's why it felt so weird today. I was getting nice feelings to have them take care of me and make sure I was happy but yet feeling vulnerable to their power because of their form and their influence over me, but then I couldn't understand why I should feel that way... so confused

[rosesarered]

I think its reasonable to expect those feelings. I think, though, that you should use
this as an exercise in getting farther away from the memories of your abuse.
Continental on in the belief that they aren't going to hurt you, because they won't,
and teach yourself that it is okay for people in authority to help you, that it is okay to feel safe.
You DESERVE to feel safe. Try not to analyze and think too much. Just let your feelings
come and let the bad ones pass while holding on to the good ones.

You'll be just fine

I would have to agree that this is totally normal. For someone who looks at the world through damaged glasses, we have a distorted view of everything. Because of past abuse you were taught that authority and power are negative things. This world is cruel, but not everything about it is. You learned to distrust before ever knowing the feelings of trust. I would imagine that having a negative experience before a positive one could lead to very confusing feelings...similar, in example, to feelings first felt by someone who has awesome parents and then experiences some kind of deep hurt from an authority figure later in life.

It takes time, but it is very important in life to hang on to the few precious moments in life that do feel good and comforting.