Don't know how to handle this situation

I have been in a long term relatioship with a man who I thought was perfect. I thought our relationship was perfect. 10 years is a long time. We do not live together but alternate weekends at each other's house. We go away every year on beautiful vacations etc. Now here is what happened...I have never met his daughter and the reason that was given to me is because the mother does not want any other women around her. So I respected that. After calling him and talking to the daughter, she told me that her father is still with her mother and that there is no way I could be his girlfriend. She said my dad lives with us. My heart fell right to my stomach. I thought I was going to pass out. I confronted him and asked him what is going on? He denied everything his daughter said and told me every child wants their parents together and she is making it all up. Now the problem is I do not believe him or trust him anymore. Should I just let it go and believe him when he tells me that his daughter is a liar? Or should I get rid of him?

Wow, I'm very sorry this has happened to you, I can't even imagine what a shock it would be to hear something like that, especially after being with this man for such a long time.

How old is his daughter?

No, I do not think you should just let it go and believe him saying his daughter is a liar. There are some red flags popping up here for me....I understand that the girl's mother may not want other woman in her child's life at first, but you have been seeing him for ten years! At that point I really do not think its reasonable that you've never met her. I'm not saying its necessarily true, but don't just let it go- try and find out the truth. Ask to meet his daughter maybe.

I wish you all the best

Where does he live? Does he have his own place? He could just be going over to see his daughter and the daughter could be trying to instigate things hoping her parents work it out . My parents got divorced when I was 5 and I always hoped they would get back together and when my parents started dating other people I would get upset and try to break it up.....I bet it's the jealous daughter causing trouble but keep your eyes open for any clues that something may be going on...

The daughter is 13yrs old...so it makes me think why would she make this up. I did tell him that I now NEED to meet her and if I don't I don't think I can ever trust him. I am so confused. I love this man so much. I am still in shock. I don't want to do the wrong thing and ruin what I "thought" was a great relationship. If this is true what the daughter is saying I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life with a man who betrayed me.

He lives with his mom...long story. His mom is sick and he is taking care of her. I just can't figure out if he is involved with the mother how does he stay with me on weelends and go away for 1 or 2 weeks for vacation. I've always trusted him...never thought anything about his daughter's mother. Now I am not so sure

coatofdreams,

I agree with Scotty204. Just because the daughter is 13 years old doesn't mean that she has come to terms with reality...especially because the mom & dad aren't introducing other romantic interests to her for so long. Imo, that only increases her natural hope that her parents will someday get back together again.

In case you don't recall, 13 yr-olds can be little stinkers sometimes in defiance. I would advise you to believe your bf, but now would be a good time to sit down and have a talk about how he and his ex's techniques to relieve their daughter's pain may be mis-firing. Perhaps they should seek the professional opinion of a child psychologist on how to help their daughter adjust to reality.

Hopefully, that idea will be accepted by him and his ex. If not, then maybe it is time for you to let go of the relationship. Because you shouldn't have to be his invisible gf for so long! Best wishes to all of you

Can you only see him on weekends? If so, why? Is it because of his job, or is it because he lives with his wife? Just wondering.

Seems to me that if he can see you on weekends, he could see you during the evenings too, couldn't he? Or does he live too far away? He COULD stay overnight at your place, couldn't he -- during the week? Where there's a will, there's a way, huh?

I'm just a little doubtful about this guy, but maybe he's ok. I'd find out for sure. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee

I see him on the weekends because of his work schedule. He does stay over my house. He used to be off during th week and I would see him then. I call him when he is at work...so I know he is there..not his cell but office phone. I never thought not to trust him. Until his daughter dropped this bomb on me. He keeps telling me not to believe what she said. That after all of our years together I should trust him...but I don't. I told him we should end this...he said I am crazy because I believe his daughter over him. Why would she lie?

This...sounds very painfully like what happened to me with my ex. I understand what you're going through, and you are not alone.

I do agree it is a huge red flag that he's kept you away from the daughter for so long, but at the same time, he's been a) with you for a decade and b) you've been over to stay with him. I feel like within a decade you'd have been caught by the wife, you know? Cheaters can be good, but they inevitably fall. I feel like 10 years is a little too long for there not to have been a hitch or two.

And yes, 13 year old's can be little PITA's when they so choose to be, bless their hearts. Her age doesn't necessarily mean that she's okay with you dating her dad or that she's okay with the divorce. It's still going to hurt. The only reason I was ever okay with my mother dating my stepfather was because I KNEW my mother and father had ZERO chance of getting back together. That was made clear. My father also remarried when I was young (5 or so? I dunno. My stepmother is a (INSERT WORD HERE), so I'm not throwing too many anniversaries for her, even if I'm starting to get on good terms with my father).

While I will admit I'm giving you the same advice I gave myself in my situation (which worked out less than well), don't give up just yet. You need solid evidence in either direction before you can act. Meet the daughter, and go from there.

Please know I'm praying for you, and please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. As I said, I understand where you are now.

Hugs,
Harley

Thank you Harley for your prayers...believe me I need them. As of today he told me he took his daughter for lunch and told her about me and she said she would let him know when she is ready to meet me...WHAT!!!! I have to wait for a 13 yr old to decide when she is ready. I told him as her father he should tell her she is going to meet me. I told him until I meet her I will not believe anything he says. I have really let this girl ruin everything. I feel like the trust is gone. I keep telling myself there has to be something more to this story that I do not know about. My mind is now in overdrive...and all the thoughts are negative. I know...not a good thing.
I am so angry and hurt by the whole situation.

I am sorry for your troubles. My heart goes out to you...

Although there are a few people here so easily stating that the 13 yr old could be making it up, I would hesitate to make that assumption. It is true that kids do this, I'm sure but after raising 2 kids (now 20 and 18, girl and boy respectively) and having 10 and 12 yr old boys currently, I don't easily assume kids would lie about things so quickly. Although my kids are kids and can "fib" about things, to tell you the truth, they are all pretty darned honest about real serious things. A little more background. I have been married and divorced once, and separated now, awaiting divorce now (both times the exes left me for other men) -- just a background about me.

I'm not saying that it can't be true but just make sure you do everything you can to get to the bottom of this. What I'm saying is, whatever decision you make and how you handle this, please make sure you are sure of what's going on. I don't want you to lose the love of your life because you assumed he lied and was cheating with you, and I don't want to see you get hurt because you quickly believe what he's saying and find out he is a cheater.

I do agree that in 10 years, it's probably unlikely that he's been cheating all that time, it is true, eventually cheaters get caught and it's usually sooner than later. Don't let up on this til you know for sure either way! This is life changing stuff!

*hugs* Hope this works out for you!

Still trying to get answers...doesn't look good for me

Hi coatofdreams - first things first

From reading all the information you've provided i personally think its unlikely this girl is lying. 13 is a tricky age - she is not quite an adult and yet not quite a child either and yes she may just want her parents back together but if her father is spending as much time with them as she says he is i think this unlikely. There are a number of other things which ring alarm bells for me - the fact that you don't actually live together means you can't be for sure how else he is spending his time. Also, the fact that he went and had dinner with his daughter recently suggests he could be trying to hush things up on that end. Whats to say this girl doesn't already want to meet you? i wouldn't just take his word for it that she'll meet you when she's ready - again it sounds as though he's trying to cover things up. I would be very very suspicious. I would also demand that he tell you what it is really going on and if you are not convinced i would cease all contact until he can prove to you how the situaiton really is. This may be a difficult thing to do in some respects but the whole set up he had with you sounds a little too convenient for my ears. These are just my thoughts. I hope this situation resolves for the best. Good luck.

Thank you for the hug! I really need one. I agree with everything you are saying. The problem I am having is if this "daughter" situation hadn't come up I would still be happy in this relationship. It might be a good thing that this has happened and I finally found out that he has been living a double life for 10 years. However, he is denying everything...of course he is.
OMG...I am devestated and angry and sad. I am also mad at myself for being a fool. I know that no relationship is perfect but I honestly thought ours was. He treated me wonderful for 10 years. I keep trying to figure out how does he spend weekends away (he' with me) and we go on vacation every year...how did he pull this off for 10 years? I have to stop asking questions because I am driving myself mad!!!
I thank you for sharing your thoughts with me...it helps.