[cogito ergo sum]

I have been married for over a year now, my wife and I have been very happy overall but recently things have gotten worse and I find myself seeing a pattern in her behavior but maybe I'm wrong which is why I'm here for help.

Before we got married, my wife was an independent woman who had goals and ambitions even more than I did. Because of the patriarchal society we live in and her father's authoritative ways, she became a strong, rebellious woman who everyone (including myself) considered to be a beautiful, intelligent woman with a lot to offer the world. She was truly talented and meant for great things, that is until we got married.

Coming from a troubled home myself, I am extremely passive and averse to violence. I love peace, equality and having fun with the people I love. My mother being a strong, independent woman herself is why I believe that my wife should be given an equal opportunity to success and I have never stopped her from doing anything that can bring her closer to her goals, she accepts this and appreciates me for it from time to time. But, I am no angel. My need to avoid conflict is so severe that sometimes it works at my disadvantage and when I should be firmly confrontational, I give in or walk away from the situation.

Anyway, after we got married things were great even though two weeks after we moved into our new apartment, my wife spat on my face because we got into an argument as I wanted to meet a friend who was moving abroad and it was his last night in the city. After being spat on, I was shocked and immediately locked myself into the living room and slept on the sofa. The next day, she didn't apologize and I let it go in order to not cause any more trouble amongst us. Things went back to normal.

Over the past year, things have been either extremely great or extremely worse. Overall we've made a happy couple but some recurring patterns in my wife's behavior led to a major blow out two days ago which I will mention later. First, the patterns.

Immediately after our marriage, my wife started having trouble with her job so she left it for another one only to leave that one as well and then another one and then just stopped working completely. She went back to studying but constantly missed classes, slept and ate a lot and indulged in self deprecation almost everyday. I knew she's going through a tough time, our country isn't a very egalitarian place for women especially in the workplace but I assured her that we will find a way. I tried my best to cheer her up and comfort her but she continued to get depressed, hate herself an be unhappy.

Eventually, this started to take a toll on her and she began acting extremely erratic. She would start crying for no reason. Sleep late, wake up late and is unable to sort out her routine. She has issues with her weight and smoking habit but she can't find herself to quit and start working out as if she has no will power. This, I thought was a small problem, but for her it is the reason why her life is so horrible. She continuously talks about how life is meaningless and that she is worthless.

Over the year she gradually started picking fights with me for no reason. Whether it is an innocuous joke, a smile, a nod, defending her friend or my own etc. or a minor mistake on my part, she would blow up and start cursing me, throwing things, screaming and hitting herself (at which point I just say sorry for something I didn't even do and she knows it, she just wants me to acquiesce to whatever she says).

She has very few friends who she doesn't like too much as they annoy her. I don't get to meet my friends because they annoy her too. If we ever go out, she would come back hating someone or the other who albeit may be not the most ideal of people but they are mere social interactions who have nothing to do with us or our personal lives but she would continuously berate them and get exasperated by the thought of them to the point that her anger would then be diverted towards me because she needs to vent somewhere.

I am amazed how such a promising, independent woman could become so dependent on me. For instance, if she has to study or is busy with her work and I'm free and leave to meet a friend, she would call me for something or the other, to come back to her and if I take a while then she would text the following:

• She wishes she was single, free and able to meet whoever she wants (although there aren't any restrictions on her, in fact she even talks to her past flings without me saying anything but I can't do the same and I don't because I don't want to)
• She says she hates this marriage
• She makes personal attacks on me, things that prick me
• She threatens to tell my family and friends about how bad a husband I am and how uncaring I am.

This has happened at least a dozen times in the past year. I would receive these text messages and rush home, frustrated, and she would be totally normal so I would let it go so we don't fight.

It was a couple of days ago that the exact same thing happened for the umpteenth time and I just totally lost control. I went to her and told her off, she insulted me further and said I deserved it because she couldn't concentrate on her studies while I was out and when she wanted me to be around her while she was studying, I came 45 minutes late. She insulted me further with the aforementioned points and then I just came out with it. I called her a bully, abusive and controlling, told her that when she spat on me during the early days of our marriage she was merely setting the tone of her control over me. I then did something shameful and will regret it for the rest of my life, I reacted. I was so taken aback and ashamed I just left the house and for an hour just roamed on the streets. Then I got drunk and met a friend to get my mind off of things, I didn't tell them anything and we were talking about random stuff. All this time, my wife was calling me and I wasn't picking up. My phone accidentally got picked up without my knowledge and she heard me talking to my friends and I don't know what she heard but she facebooked my friends' wives that we were talking about lecherous things and that they are all (including herself) married to lecherous men who can't be trusted. After that I went back to her and yelled some more and we have been fighting ever since.

She accepted that her life isn't going well, she is unreasonably dependent on me and takes her frustrations on life out on me etc. But she thinks what I did was worse and that I am a man not to be trusted, that I am a bad person, that I have insecurities which made me do what I did and that she will never be the same with me again. In the end, she became the victim and I the oppressor. When I tried to defend myself, an argument ensued and she did the same intimidation routine. She screamed, threw things and even took a knife and poked my chest(heart area) and when I moved back she threw it at me. She then kicked me out of the house, then sent text messages to me about how she is a horrible person and selfish etc. I then came back and she then all of a sudden blamed it all on me, that I'm a violent man who has insecurities and she can never trust me and that I am a lecherous person etc. etc. I just apologized in the end and have been wondering if I'm crazy or getting there.

Has this ever happened to anyone? Maybe I have some condition and it's making me not handle situation too well. Any help would be highly appreciated.

[adam_k]

To me it sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. She wants your undying devotion and love and when she doesn't get it, (or even imagines she is getting it) she goes into a crisis and makes a lot of issues to keep you close. Such as when you leave she calls you back for some reason. When she freaks out and doesn't get attention she goes into full hate mode and you are the worst person in the world.

It takes two people to make a marriage work. Not everything may be her fault, but she definitely has some issues she needs to work out. You have to find a way to maintain your respect and well being if you want to stay happy with her. She needs to find a way to get her emmotions under control. Good luck too you.

[healingme4me]

What Adam wrote, could very well be on target, as this is a board filled with regular people.

Reading up on this disorder, would help you see a little more clearly her inner struggles and you'd be able to see how you play a role, and how to better communicate.

Sounds like she's been going through a very depressed state of mind. And I hope you are both able to find a way to get some professional help, guidance and support.

[Perna]

It does not sound like your wife is abusive, just petty and childish. It sounds like she is not happy with the marriage and I don't see why you do not discuss that and her bad behavior with her and decide if you want to stay or leave.

Abuse among adults has to come from force, in my opinion, as everyone is an adult and entered into the marriage contract as an adult and can leave the same way if being a part of that couple is harmful to one's self or otherwise too much work/unpleasant. You cannot change your wife, who she was, is, is becoming, etc., that is her job. It does not sound like she will even accept help from you.

The only way you can really know how to move ahead for yourself is to discuss all this you have raised here with her, see what she says, what her thoughts are and how she feels. I would let her know what you would like (for her to get a job and help support the two of you and herself) and for her to be happier and less inclined to pick fights and be unhappy with other people. If she needs/wants therapy to help with that, you might want to help in that way. But if she insists she has no problem and it's you or the "rest of the world" that does, I would decide I did not want to be around someone like that who could easily hurt my own mental and physical health with her attitude.

@Perna: She doesn't sound abusive? If this were a woman saying this here, people would tell her to leave or some such thing.

Quote: "wife spat on my face,throwing things,screaming and hitting herself,makes personal attacks on me,insulted me further and said I deserved it,threw things and even took a knife and poked my chest(heart area),and kicked him out"

She's clearly abusive.

It sounds like abuse. There are websites on the topic of domestic abuse that may shed some more light on the topic if you care to take a look. Whether you do or don't, I recommend divorce.

Originally Posted by cogito ergo sum

Maybe I have some condition and it's making me not handle situation too well.

If you responded to being spat on without extreme rage, I'd say you handled it well.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Michael D.

It sounds like abuse. There are websites on the topic of domestic abuse that may shed some more light on the topic if you care to take a look. Whether you do or don't, I recommend divorce.


If you responded to being spat on without extreme rage, I'd say you handled it well.

I agree you handled it better than most. Maybe you could stand up for yourself more and demand more respect, but most people would have lost thier cool.

If my wife did that I would have lost it and said a lot of things I would regret later. I don't do well with being attacked by people I care about. I am also not very forgiving once someone has crossed the line.

[LASR22512]

I do agree that there is some abuse. I would try to see if she'd like to go into counseling, or maybe even go in with her and do couple's counseling. If you can try to talk to her to work out your problems that should go far. She's clearly having her own personal issues, so those need to be resolved as well. I wish you guys the both of luck.

[Bill3]

I believe that both of you could benefit from individual counseling.

For her: I agree that Borderline Personality Disorder is a distinct possibility.

For you: To address the family background issues you identified. These issues seem to be playing a large role in your life generally and specifically in your interactions with your wife.

[Phreak]

Originally Posted by Perna

It does not sound like your wife is abusive

You said abuse had to be physical - may I suggest that you do some reading on the topic of verbal psychological abuse?

@OP you're clearly being abused. She needs help I.e. Meds and therapy

[turnall]

Seems emotionally abusive to me, and as others said, possibly due to BPD.

[lynn P.]

I agree your wife is abusive and you've also reached a bad stage. Not sure what you did referring to this statement

I then did something shameful and will regret it for the rest of my life, I reacted.

You've both come from abusive family backgrounds - she ended up turning into an assertive person and you went the other way, into a passive person. Spitting on a person is extremely disrespectful and her putting a knife on your chest is scary. You both need to figure out if this marriage is salvageable and get into counseling - to address how both family backgrounds contribute to your adult behavior. If you both aren't willing to do equal work then agree to separate. Sorry you're in this tough situation and I hope things get better.