How to support a partner in therapy?

Hello,

I am looking for a woman's advice one what my GF needs as she goes through emotional therapy. After the newness of our relationship wore off (about 4 months into a 15 month relationship), my GF started to pull away from me specifically when we weren't together. She recognized it (mostly) and acknowledges that she does it, but doesn't understand why. She says she wants to be with me and fall in love with me, but just can't for some reason. We both suspect it has a lot to do with her childhood and being neglected emotionally, and she is in therapy with a psychologist to find out what is going on. She has also recently stopped drinking as she acknowledges she covered up her emotional issues with alcohol.

Unfortunately, after a recent incident and in the heat of the moment, we sadly but gently broke up as a couple and I feel like I encouraged a wrong decision and that I'm failing to support her. If I thought she just didn't want to be with me, I would've left the relationship a long time go. She is sincerely confused and concerned by her behavior and wants to fix things within herself. I've told her I'm willing to talk to her, to see if we can sort this out together, but I also said the priority is her therapy right now and I am happy to be there for her when she needs me.

From a woman's emotional perspective, am I doing the right thing by backing off? How much should I be involved right now to maximize her healing while preserving what we have together?

Hi Wants2Help4 - this is a tricky situation. I think you've handled it reasonably well but my take on things are - if she's experiencing things personally which undermine an already difficult relationship, i think backing off for a bit is the right thing to do. I think offering her support emotionally as a friend is where things get difficult - are the boundaries clear? Do you still hold feelings for her? I think its a somewhat different scenario for folks who otherwise have a great relationship yet its made difficult by the illnesses they have. Perhaps just try phone contact for the time being and see what progress she makes with her recovery - if she feels she's getting better and wants to talk about her relationship with you then by all means meet with her but in my view, getting into relationships whether they be new or old when someone is in therapy isn't the wisest thing to do. Her emotions will probably be all over the place and she may not really know what she wants. I think you need to decide if you actually love this person and think you have a future with them. Are you prepared for when and if things get really rough? I hope ive been of some help and this situation resolves positively for the both of you. All the best.

Hi ~ This is my opinion only ~ But as I see it, I would want my partner to back off. If I was truly confused, I surely wouldn't want the stress of a relationship to worry about too. I wouldn't want to worry about the "newness" of the relationship and how my illness was affecting the relationship, etc. I would want to ONLY focus on myself and how I was going to get better and heal. That would take all lthe energy I had! Dealing with the past can be very draining and painful -- you don't need someone else to confuse the issue.

Just my 2 cents worth. Having gone thru therapy and dealt with alot of pain, and then having to go home to my husband -- UGH. Didn't fare well with our relationship, and he was an idiot besides. I KNOW you want to be supportive, but she's better off just having plenty of space right now until she can sort things out and heal.

God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

(((Wants2help4)))

I think that you've made a wise move in backing off gently. Reassuring her that you'll always be there, if she ever wants or needs to talk.

I've been in the position that your gf has been in a few times, but I never had the strength to push my hub (and then bf) away. I was confused too! Seriously confused as to what I really wanted in life, who I am, what I want, etc. A big consequence of me resisting letting go of them was making the pain and confusion last longer. My bf has offered a few times to back off, if that's what I need. To let me find the answers and the hope that I need. I'm still too scared to take him up on the offer. Maybe someday.

So, I'd advise you to be there for your ex-gf emotionally when she does come to you. But, be careful. Don't bring up your emotions or sexual desires until she's gained a lot of strength and independence. She really needs to know who she is, and how she honestly feels, before moving on to a deep commitment. Trust me on this one ~ I've got too much experience in this department! You will both be much happier if you back off and allow your gf to simply live without pressure to fulfill your desires.

I wish you both the very best!

I sincerely thank all 3 of you for taking the time with your insightful replies. One of the good things I have done is take my emotions out of it (well, at least in front of her) for now and have made it very clear that her health is my absolute first desire. I find myself in a good place, knowing that I'm doing the right thing, but I can't help but miss her and want to support her more. But, I do see that More means a lot Less right now, and only desire to be her trusted and platonic friend as she heals. With the Holy Spirit by her side and therapy, there is no doubt that we can have a future together as there are so many things I do love about her. Love is patient and always hopes, trusts and perseveres. I will be patient, I hope for her healing, I trust that space is a good thing for both of us (I'm learning about my part in all of this!) and I will persevere until a time that it is clear to me that we don't have a future for whatever the reason. Thank you all once again!

I thought I'd pass on a current update to see if any of you helpful ladies have any further comments or recommendations.

We met for coffee last weekend and it was a good meeting. I left my emotions at home. I told her that I wished we had handled things differently, but I also encouraged her to take the time to figure out her internal/emotional struggles, and I let her know that I really wanted that for her....to become healthy for a future relationship. I let her know that I am available to talk to her, to see if we can sort things out together.....basically there for her when she's ready. I told her I was in a good place in allowing her to do this (and I am) for now and that I would be led differently if necessary.

I sensed a struggle inside her which makes me wonder whether we did the right thing by breaking up: It seemed like she thought (perhaps due to my word choice the evening we broke up: "I need more" essentially after she remarked "I shouldn't have been self-centered and I don't understand why I was") the break up was mostly to allow me to be free while she works on understanding herself and healing. She has never once said that she doesn't want me and has always said "I want to feel more for you, but I just can't for some reason......I don't understand why I pull away from you." She also said that she's trying to understand why in our relationship she pulls away, but in a previous relationship she was in my shoes.

A few days after our meeting, I sent her a bouquet of flowers that simply said "I'm proud of you, I know it's been rough lately, but may these flowers remind you of how special you are." We spoke that night, she was incredibly grateful, and I only encouraged her. We've been texting occasionally as well, but only when she initiates the exchange.

So, here is/are the questions I have:

- Would it be helpful or not-so-helpful if I were to make it very clear that I am still committed to her alone while we take some time apart? Would she view this act as reassuring (i.e. building trust and demonstrating commitment if her childhood emotional wounds lead her to believe otherwise), or would it produce an added pressure that she doesn't need right now?

I think I've just caught myself wanting to do more, when I should simply take a virtual chill pill and let things unfold, as I think this is the only way it can healthily unfold for both of us.

The challenge for me is giving her what she needs right now, and I think my fear of rejection invokes a need in me to help her do that. Interesting.

Still, I'd welcome any comments!