[doggiedo]

Does anyone else constantly feel like they have anxiety about their relationship? I know I shouldn't be all paranoid thinking he is going to dump me, but I can't stop thinking about the bad stuff. Questioning whether it's right, instead of just going with the flow.

I know it's not normal. Tihngs are going well. Yet, I continue to question things to the point where I feel sick about it, can't sleep, have racing thoughts, etc. My b/f knows I'm like this, and he tells me to stop worrying, etc.

I just don't know how to cope with the anxiety. What do I do to make it go away. I just want to be able to enjoy his company and being together. Any thoughts?

[Leed]

I also have had bouts of anxiety and it used to be really severe. My late husband helped me with that. When it was severe and I was having an attack, he would tell me to ask myself "What's the worst that could happen?" And i'd think about it, and usually the answer to that was something really silly. So i use that to this day -- I just keep asking myself "What's the worst that can happen?"

Maybe you can try this and see if it helps. It does help me. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[NinaNina]

I have this issue as well. I over think things regarding my relationship often, and tend to think of the worst possible things that could happen, which makes me anxious.

When I do this, I breathe deeply to try and relax, and say to myself that I'm thinking of the worst case scenario, now what is actually likely going to happen, or likely happening? This tends to help, because as I said I'm usually thinking of some far-fetched worst case scenario, and what is likely to happen is usually something that is nothing to worry about.

I hope that made sense, I know I was kind of rambling

Good luck, I know how difficult this can be to deal with.

[doggiedo]

That's a good idea. What's the worst that could happen?

He breaks up with me > I look like an idiot to family and friends b/c yet another relationship didn't work out > I am single, yet again > I don't get married and have children > I have no friends and no social network > I am alone.

Yuck. That stinks.

[DLWest]

So now you're at this stage: That's a good idea. What's the worst that could happen?

He breaks up with me > I look like an idiot to family and friends b/c yet another relationship didn't work out > I am single, yet again > I don't get married and have children > I have no friends and no social network > I am alone.

Yuck. That stinks.

Then you get to ask those really annoying questions. The ones that go like this...If I could get in my time machine, what would I change on x day? And then y day?

[Leed]

But you SURVIVE! Life doesn't end. You can go on to something/someone else! Just because ONE relationship ends doesn't mean that's the WORST that could happen. The WORST that could happen is that your BF could beat the crap out of you.

Originally Posted by doggiedo

That's a good idea. What's the worst that could happen?

He breaks up with me > I look like an idiot to family and friends b/c yet another relationship didn't work out > I am single, yet again > I don't get married and have children > I have no friends and no social network > I am alone.

Yuck. That stinks.

No no no! That doesnt mean that breaking up with one boyfriend will end up like this.. It would just be one boyfriend, not the end of all possibilities or the end of the world!

Please learn to relax, as I said in another post, worrying about something that may never happen is pointless. And worrying about something that might happen is pointless too because your worrying will not change anything.

You can not make someone like you by worrying, nor can you not stop them breaking up with you. But you can listen to his words and trust what he says. Please please, learn to relax, to trust (which is what this really boils down to I think) and enjoy the moment. Life is full of ups and downs, which makes trying to enjoy the ups even more important.

Give your new, lovely, wonderful relationship a chance and remember that its not him holding all the cards, but that he's darn lucky to have you :-)

[doggiedo]

True about the worst thing being that he could beat the crap put of me. I just mean I'm scared of ruining or missing a good thing. I know there is always something worse that can happen...cancer, accident, death...this is simply s big deal to me right now. That's all.

[doggiedo]

Trust, interesting. I believe u may have something there...that's what it boils down to. Food for thought on my part. He IS lucky to have me!

Originally Posted by doggiedo

He IS lucky to have me!

Absolutely! Enjoy your next date

[doggiedo]

Idk- have not heart from him today

[doggiedo]

He called But then I think I might have messed it up. Was kinda ready for bed and not really in the mood for talking. He's just so busy, Idk.

Hey, am so glad he called!

Can I say one thing, as a friend? Please dont forget that you are your own person, and that he should complement you, be part of a team, and be your friend. I think you are putting too much importance on him and his actions. He is a busy man, from your other post with his pop and his running, let alone job, other friends etc. And there is nothing wrong with that! So if he is too busy not to phone, or to phone much later, please remain calm. Try giving yourself a rule, ie, if he hasnt phoned in say, 3 days, then start to worry, but not before.

And try and fill your own life, see people, do things. Fill our own life with good things and not only will it be fun, but it will even up the balance in your mind. You're in danger of being too needy, forgive me for saying, and too panicky, over thinking every move he makes. I'd hate to see that drive him away when he sounds lovely, understanding and worthy of you.

[doggiedo]

That is soooo true, everything you said. I am going to reread it a few times today as I think I need it.

I did sign up for a spin class tonight and I am going to the library on the way home to pick up books for my vacation next week.

I do need to find myself - that has always been a problem in the past - I fill that void with a b/f. I need more friends I think. Thanks for the post hun.

[Wyrd One]

You sound a lot like me (See my post about my wife falling out of love with me to see how that's turning out...). I tend to give myself completely over to the other person, to the point that my happiness and emotions depend on them. I basically lost my own sense of self in the process and now I'm trying to rediscover myself, and hopefully save my marriage in the process.

As for worrying all the time about the relationship and how it could go sour, did you have a previous relationship that ended badly? That was my problem, and now in relationships I cling to the other person hard it repels them, and I worry that if I don't keep them happy with me 100% of the time they'll simply up and leave.

That's not a strong individual, and that's not what someone wants in a partner. Take time for yourself, as you say above. Become strong and confident and able to stand on your own 2 feet, and then if you choose to be together it's because you choose to, not because you need them to lean on and support any insecurities you may have.

Thanks for not being mad at me!! I just wanted to say something as I'd been a bit like you when I was younger - the ones I was keen on anyway. Seems to take over everything huh?

Enjoy spin class :-)

[doggiedo]

Do you think I should share that info with him. He probably thinks I'm looney. Maybe it would bring insight if he knows I have anxiety in general. To be honest, I think he already has an inkling.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think you should look into dbt therapy.

[doggiedo]

Idk if I'd be comfortable sharing with other people. it's sort of a private thing for me. My mom was doing outpatient DBT for a few months and she had to stop it - she was becoming too involved with other people's issues and struggles. It was almost like she was too sensitive to them.

I should call my counselor. She is a mental health counselor. I feel like she's good for me when I vent, but not so great when I want to "work on something" per say.

Have you done DBT? How has it worked for u

Depends on how you think he would react. Its reasonably early days isnt it? Perhaps wait a little longer, but as you said, he's probably already got an inkling anyway.

I did one session of Cognitive behavioral therapy to help me out with some issues about my anger over health, but she touched on my relationship too, as I thought bad health would drive him away. Just a simple session helped me beyond belief.

She taught me that I worry too much about my partner leaving and making me unhappy. Thing is that my worrying wouldnt stop my partner leaving, (because that is his issue, not mine), and the worrying was making me stressed and unhappy, so I was kinda fulfilling my own fear of being unhappy!
I haven't explained it all that well, but it stopped me, literally overnight, worrying about him leaving. I was so into him, and loved up, that I just couldnt see sense, until she pointed out that all the negativity and bad feelings were coming from me, and not him. x

[doggiedo]

Good point. It is really early still. Although he opened up to me...shares that he goes to AA every day. He is sober now but had an issue with drinking and pot. Takes guts to share that stuff.

[Wyrd One]

I'm definitely no expert, but I think if it's a recent development then you should give it time and don't make any hasty decisions.

Some days you may want to run away, other days you might feel like there's hope after all. Ideally you can figure out a way to have more hopeful days. And talking to your partner and letting each other know how you feel and where you're at with things can make a big difference.

Hang in there...

[Suki22]

you needn't do a group DBT...you can find a DBT therapist that does individual sessions.

[seeker1950]

After my divorce, I dated several men long term, like 2 years. I began to have increasing anxiety, till the last one...a Psych.Ph.D., no less, and my anxiety was thru the roof. I had to stop dating completely, as I never want to experience the anxiety again.
I know this isn't helpful, but I do know what you're going thru!
Love,
Patty

[doggiedo]

Skki, maybe i could do that. how do u know if they do dbt? is it listed on the health insurance or provider website? idk. do i ask when i call around? A lot of places usually have a 1-3 mo wait if I am a new patient. That means I'd have to find a new pdoc too since this one only works with counselors in his office.

So i saw him last night and we had such a good night hanging out. I felt like i had such w great day, like i was on a hi bc i was so happy. Tonight I got a little paranoid and asked him where he think things are going. I'm more confused than ever. He hates labels on things, ie...gf and bf, but he doesn't want to date anyone else. I also feel like I have to hold back with him for fear of scaring him away. Idk.

Now I'm going on vacation all by myself to house sit and dog sit for my parents when they go on vacation. I could also go with them as they are going to a cabin in the woods...a nice resort actually. Anyhow, I just want to be alone I think. But it's prob not the healthiest. Do I cancel and just go to work instead? That way I can keep my mind off of things. Otherwise I won't see him for another 8 days, at least. My stomach feels like its going to go inside out. I hate myself for even caring and making myself vulnerable by liking him.